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AIBU?

to think I just don't have time to work and give up on my career?

50 replies

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 12:46

Dh works long hours and is away a lot. As a result he does nothing around the house but is great with the kids and they adore him. Our eldest is 6 and has autism. She struggles with sleep and often doesn't sleep until 10.30 p.m. I've been studying for a degree with a view to training to be a teacher which I've always wanted to do and generally study from 10.30 p.m. til 2 a.m. which is interspersed by dd and dd2 waking and then I'm up at 6.30 a.m.

We get ready and walk to school, dd2 and I get home at 9.30 a.m. I do housework and we play/read before her nap, I study while she sleeps. When she wakes we have a snack then collect dd1. She has activities three days per week and on those days we're not home until 6. On the other two days we play, eat, read and have a bath and have no time for anything else. I iron while they're in the bath, I'm not a clean-freak, I'd say I actually don't do enough housework.

I literally do not rest all day and still don't have enough time to do everything I need/want to do never mind to relax and have a bath or read a book. I just feel like I can't fit in a career as well, as much as I may want to. Aibu to admit defeat and give up on my career aspirations?

OP posts:

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AwfulMaureen · 05/02/2014 12:50

Having a child with Autism places a massive weight on your shoulders...and as Mothers often seem to bear the brunt of any special needs, they are all too often the ones whose career suffers. Do you WANT to be a teacher? Is is a passion? Or are you happy to go on as you are?

if you want it badly then you must pursue it...you must...

WhoNickedMyName · 05/02/2014 12:51

There are very few circumstances in which I'd consider making myself financially dependent on my DH, but in your case I definitely would. You're getting four hours sleep a night?! I literally could not cope with that and I'd sack the degree off for now.

juneau · 05/02/2014 12:52

You have only 4.5 hrs sleep every night? Bloody hell woman! You need more sleep, not a job xx

Pigeonhouse · 05/02/2014 12:53

Much sympathy, OP - that sounds unbearable. If you really want to train as a teacher, then a way must be found for you to pursue it without making yourself ill. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband about how to make this possible - whether that's him cutting back on work hours/travel and doing more childcare and housework, or hiring some childcare for your younger child during school hours so you can study.

Best of luck.

CailinDana · 05/02/2014 12:53

Teaching is a very full on career. Yes the holidays are great but in term time it's not unusual to work 10 or even 12 hour days with extra at the weekend. Will that be manageable?

Is there any hope of your dh cutting down his hours?

WhoNickedMyName · 05/02/2014 12:54

Oh and unless your DH is regularly putting in 6.30am - 10.30pm days in work, then he really needs to step it up at home.

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 05/02/2014 12:56

I know I'd have to postpone it if I were you. I've three small dc and have just resigned as doing it all is too hard right now. Can you take a break in your course, a gap year from it? I have a friend who did that.

Dinosaurporn · 05/02/2014 13:00

It depends on how far into your degree you are.

Would it not be better for you to go to bed at a normal time and then study early until midday on a weekend (say 6am to 12?) whilst your DH has the kids. That gives you 6 clear hours...

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/02/2014 13:01

tbh I dont know how you are coping at the moment.
I am studying for a degree, and working full time but I am only managing because I have older dcs (16,15 and 10) and a dh who starts work early so finishes by £.30-4pm and gets started on the dinner, homework, laundry etc before I get home.

antimatter · 05/02/2014 13:02

I was studying when my kids were little and I needed much more than 4.5 hours
if you can - lucky you!
I was like a zombie!

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 13:04

It's something I definitely want to do and always have, but obviously not at the expense of my family. My degree is nearly finished but teacher training will be even more full on and I just don't see where I can free up any time. I'd have enough time to do the work with the 4 hours in the evening but then when would I do the housework, washing, walk the dog, ironing, clean the pets out etc? There just aren't enough hours in the day.

Dh cannot cut down his hours and we have no family support. I was married before and hated being financially dependent on my exH while a SAHM but then he was financially and in other ways abusive whereas dh is not and I Have total control of our finances. He has great potential in his career so perhaps I should just support him in that?

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 05/02/2014 13:05

Hos old is DD2? Could you stretch to some childcare? When my DD was 2.5 she could do playgroup sessions, 2.5 hours for £6.50.

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 13:05

Dinosaur he often works Saturdays and then has his dc on Sundays.

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 05/02/2014 13:06

I would think about postponing the teacher training until your littlest is in some sort of childcare.

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 13:08

She's 18 months primal. I can fit in studying now, I cope ok with lack of sleep - haven't had more than a 4 hour stretch in almost 7 years! It's if I were teaching that I just don't see how I'd fit it all in

OP posts:

Oodlesofoodles · 05/02/2014 13:11

I'd get the degree but put the rest on hold.

TheGreatHunt · 05/02/2014 13:14

What do you mean "has his DC on sunday"? Are these different children?

Honestly you will run yourself into the ground especially when you take up the job.

Can you afford a cleaner?
Can you speak to your GP about your dd's sleep?

WilsonFrickett · 05/02/2014 13:17

Finish your degree. Then see where you are and how you feel. Your smallest won't always be 18 months - even in a year or so, things will ease of wrt the amount of attention you have to give her when she's home.

I would though have a look at your relationship and how things are divvied up Plenty of men work long hours and still do 'stuff' with the kids - why can't he have all the children on a Sunday, for example?

Dinosaurporn · 05/02/2014 13:26

I'm with Wilson on this. You must finish your degree, but your DH needs to allow you some quality time to study.

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 13:32

His children are three hours away so not fair on ours to spend all that time traveling every Sunday. I'll definitely finish my degree but can't imagine anything being easier beyond that

OP posts:

CailinDana · 05/02/2014 13:34

So is he away all day every sunday?

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 13:39

Yes from 5 a.m. until 11 p.m.

OP posts:

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Poloholo · 05/02/2014 13:45

That sounds awful. Can you get more Childcare so as you can do some study during the days? And/or a cleaner? Be ause you must finish your degree.

CailinDana · 05/02/2014 13:45

Is there any option to move closer to them? Your DDs are missing out on a relationship with their siblings and you must be beyond knackered.

WhoNickedMyName · 05/02/2014 13:46

So when does he see the children he has with you?

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