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Friend's racist boyfriend

(149 Posts)
theskythestonethewaythekey Wed 05-Feb-14 09:30:44

Name change for obvious reasons.

My friend of about 10 years has recently got herself a new boyfriend. It's looking serious but we haven't met him yet I.

AIBU to refuse to meet him given the fact that his Facebook page is nothing but anti-muslim "jokes", racist diatribes and other general unpleasantness?

He posts links from the EDL, the BNP and even less savoury groups. There is literally nothing else on his wall.

My friend seems smitten with him, and excuses his online behaviour by saying that he just has strong opinions.

What worries me is how I am supposed to make small-talk with such a man. He doesn't know me but I already feel that I know quite enough about him. Having said that, at some point my friend is going to want me to meet him.

Melonbreath Wed 05-Feb-14 09:33:34

Meet him wearing a hijab.
Your friend is right, he does just have strong opinions. Shit ones.

You will have to meet him. Meet him, tell your friend you think he's a dick and refuse to see him again.

Joysmum Wed 05-Feb-14 09:34:06

That's a tough one. I'd hope it fizzled out. If it didn't, I try to engineer meeting in a group so you need not speak to him without it being obvious. However, personally, if he spouted and of that shit in front of me I'd pick him up on it and if necessary, leave.

mrsjay Wed 05-Feb-14 09:34:58

I would meet him too tell your friend you thought she could do much better and does she go to EDL meetings too and you never have to see him again,

ViviPru Wed 05-Feb-14 09:36:49

I would agree you probably need to meet him in person (preferably in a group setting as Joysmum says) just so that you can legitimately (to her) uphold your opinion... Although I'd totally do anything to avoid it and bury my head in the sand until it all went away

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 05-Feb-14 09:36:57

It's a bit odd that a non racist person would not be utterly disgusted by someone with such openly bigoted views.

ime, some views must be shared in order to not be repulsed by someone.

I have never met a bnp member married to a member of the anti nazi league, for example.

So I'd say it is probable that your friend does not have totally dissimilar views. It's not really the sort of thing that a couple can agree to disagree on, is it? Oh, you think <insert racist statement here> oh well, we all have the right to our views, come and give me another kissie darling.

You can't 'get serious' with someone whose views you abhor.

For that reason, if it was me, meeting him wouldn't be a problem I would have to deal with because I'd not be able to be close to my friend any more. She would have revealed something about herself that would forever change the way I viewed her.

mrsjay Wed 05-Feb-14 09:38:31

I agree with isee she has to disagree with these strong opinions or maybe not . perhaps your friend isn't the woman you thought,

Dumpylump Wed 05-Feb-14 09:41:00

One of my good friends husbands sounds similar. He is often chucked off FB for posting similar stuff, so he reregisters under a different name and starts again, and I believe he is actually a member of BNP.
I don't know why he feels the way he does, we live somewhere there is hardly any immigration, less than 5% of the population is black/Chinese/ Filipino or anything other than white, so he hasn't suffered from "them all coming over here and taking our jobs" or any of that nonsense.
I knew her through dcs before I met him, and our chat never got political...it was only a long time later, after our families had all become very friendly that his views became apparent. I must admit, it has changed the way I feel about my friend - although she never says anything to suggest she agrees with him, I kind of think to a certain extent, she must do, because I know I could never be in a relationship with someone who thought that way, and over recent years we have become less close.
He hasn't requested me as a FB friend since his last couple of bannings, and there was a lot of talk about people "grassing him up" so I'm assuming he thinks I reported him. I didn't, but I'm quite happy not to have his horrible jokes and opinions on my timeline any more.
As to what you should do about it OP, I have no idea, as I took the easy way out and never mentioned it. blush

mrsjay Wed 05-Feb-14 09:43:45

I met a woman on another forum added her to facebook all fine she seemed nice enough until her husband started joining on stutus chats added him he was involved in all that nonsense had a huge fight he deleted me and then she did shortly afterwards I cant get over the bile he spouted and she must have agreed with it

Pigeonhouse Wed 05-Feb-14 09:46:58

Yes, I agree that the worrying thing here is not a hopefully temporary relationship but that your friend either shares his racist views or is sufficiently brainwashed by love/lust/whatever to discount them.

Should you meet him, pull him up on anything he says. I wouldn't go to any lengths to be polite. In the meantime, tell your friend that 'strong opinions' can cover anything from Marmite vs peanut butter on toast to whether Scottish independence is feasible. Anti-Muslim frothing isn't a 'strong opinion', it's lazy, bigoted hate speech.

WilsonFrickett Wed 05-Feb-14 09:48:05

I couldn't help but judge my friend in this situation and think that's a conversation you could reasonably have: 'Hey DF, you know everyone on your facebook now thinks you agree with BF's views, will that go down OK at work (for example), do you think?'.

Agree that at some point you will probably have to meet him but I'd keep that within a group setting, don't go asking them round to yours or anything.

And I'd be soooooooo tempted by Melon's suggestion of wearing a hijab when you do meet him....

Jinsei Wed 05-Feb-14 09:48:27

Well, I wouldn't be meeting him. I would explain to my friend how abhorrent his views were to me, and end the friendship with her on the basis that our values were incompatible. I don't have space in my life for racists or those who condone racism.

piratecat Wed 05-Feb-14 09:48:56

hmm, what does your friend actually think of his views?

Misspixietrix Wed 05-Feb-14 09:50:34

Meet him wearing a Hijab. OP you HAVE to do this now! grin. But yes I agree with everything Melon said. Just meet him the once and make excuses in future.

NoodleOodle Wed 05-Feb-14 09:54:05

I couldn't be friends with someone whose partner was racist. I would be scared to be honest.

5Foot5 Wed 05-Feb-14 10:23:33

A number of people have said that you need to meet him at least once. They may be right but I just wanted to try out an alternative POV.

It is very unlikely your friend has views which stringly oppose his otherwise she could never bear to spend time with this man. Therefore she either agrees with him (worst case scenario) or she is someone who has never given it much thought or formed any opinions of her own on the subject. If it is the latter then there is the possibility that being in live/lust with this man she could easily be swayed in to agreeing with and accepting his way of looking at things.

If her friends try to sweep this under the carpet or meet him and try to be polite while avoiding "difficult" topics then she could be mislead in to thinking his views are acceptable and will go along with them.

OTOH if you, as her friend, make it quite clear that you find his views abhorrent; that you have no intention of meeting someone like him and letting him in to your life and that, by extension, it may be difficult to continue the friendship while she is seeing him this might be the sort of response that she needs to start thinking a bit harder about this man and what she sees in him. Perhaps she needs it spelling out by your actions that his behaviour is not just "strong opinion" it is socially unacceptable and wrong.

Latara Wed 05-Feb-14 10:28:34

I had a similar problem with a friend's boyfriend.

Most of the time he kept his views to himself except when he was drunk.
Once he had some mates round and they started being racist so I said I needed to go home and left straight away - they were drinking so there was no point arguing with them.

Luckily my friend split up with him and now has a lovely husband.

Hopefully the same will happen with your friend.

clarksonforPM Wed 05-Feb-14 10:31:40

How do you know he is a racist ? - Just because he posts links to EDL etc, does not mean he is a racist.

ThePost Wed 05-Feb-14 10:36:53

Have we missed something about the EDL and BNP's all encompassing diversity and inclusiveness, clarkson? hmm

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 05-Feb-14 10:44:10

If he posts links to the EDL without realising they are racist then he's thick too. Quite a few of the more prominent EDL members have convictions for violence as well

mistermakersgloopyglue Wed 05-Feb-14 10:45:15

Yes I agree that this says an awful lot about your friend. How the fuck can she want to be with someone so full of hatred unless she leans that way herself?

My friend's dh is a bit racist and occasionally says things that make me go hmm but I just tend to let it go and secretly think he is a bit of a dick in that way. But it's nothing like the scale that you are talking about in your op.

I often wonder how people that fill their Facebook with all that shit can get on with their lives, I imagine they just walk around frothing with hatred all day long.

mistermakersgloopyglue Wed 05-Feb-14 10:48:14

How do you know he is a racist ? - Just because he posts links to EDL etc, does not mean he is a racist.

No the edl are all about diversity, I totally forgot hmm

RalphLaurenLover Wed 05-Feb-14 10:53:22

I had a friend like this we were in school and one year he went from wearing all black to someone who only wears tracksuits and inhabited this point of few. He was even in court for threatening to bomb a mosque and had a restraining order put on him all the EDL thought it was hilarious. He even roped his girlfriend (who was my friend) into the meeting's, after she said she didn't believe in any of it she turned out to be far more racist then him. When I got pregnant it was safe to say I got rid of all of them who spouted that shit and I no longer speak to them. Last I saw of them they had had a child and were raising it with the same views, got engaged and where planning their red, blue and white wedding [hmmm]

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 05-Feb-14 10:54:09

Even if being a supporter of racist groups doesn't make you racist [boggle] I suspect that "racist diatribes" are possible indicators of a racist mind.

CockD0dger Wed 05-Feb-14 10:54:35

clarkson, that is the funniest post I've read for a long time! Hilarious.

You're joking, right? Because, if not, I worry you may be missing the point a little...

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