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To think that if you are grown man at a swimming pool dressing your small daughter...

(338 Posts)
2cats2many Tue 04-Feb-14 19:09:37 should use the clearly marked, clean and almost-empty family change room rather than the women's change room?

I approached him and said quietly: "Do you know that you are in the women's change room?" To which he replied: "Yes, but she insists in coming in here and the alternative would be a big, screaming fight. I'm actually quite uncomfortable." He then made a swift exit.

Well, guess what- so are all the women who are using the changing room in the reasonable expectation that they would be able to get showered and changed in the mostly shared facilities (just a few cubicles) without being joined by a man.

In his position, I would have the big screaming fight.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Tue 11-Feb-14 11:07:17

Exactly Daykin, I'm not going to saunter around a pool in Saudi with my tits out and say it's OK in France.

Daykin Tue 11-Feb-14 10:55:42

It's not odd at all. Anyway, it's not about prudishness, it's about consent. I go into mixed changing rooms then I am giving consent to be in mixed changing rooms. I go in to female changing rooms then I don't want some arrogant tosser using the excuse that another woman, wholly unconnected with me, will happily use a mixed sex changing room and therefore I am a prude to not want this. I would never call my Muslim sisters odd for wanting female only swim sessions and drag my DH or teenage son along to them because in X/Y/Z country mixed swimming is normal.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Tue 11-Feb-14 10:53:47

Hmm after living in Europe for years, I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit and say that if a bathroom or a changing room said "women" on the outside I have never ran in to a man in there.


Our European neighbors would have on occasion a unisex changing room in which case anyone entering would know what to expect.

maleview70 Tue 11-Feb-14 09:23:36

It's odd that our European neighbours on the who wouldn't even bat an eyelid at this and have communal changing areas yet in prudish old England it's like the crime of the century.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Tue 11-Feb-14 09:11:25

There's a surprise

WaffilyVersatile Tue 11-Feb-14 08:15:09

This is being discussed on The Wright Stuff today...

Inertia Sat 08-Feb-14 12:25:32

OP YANBU, and I would definitely report him if he is the women's changing room next time. Whether he is doing it for nefarious reasons or because he believes his daughter's demands trump everyone else's needs and the pool rules, the fact is that he shouldn't have been there.

In our family if a 4 yo had thrown a tantrum about which changing room to use then swimming would be cancelled.

Perhaps pool managers need to add to the signs for the hard-of-thinking , to explain that children over 8 are not allowed in the opposite-sex changing room, and adults are not allowed in the opposite-sex changing room at all.

If there are no suitable family facilities for children with SN over the age of 8, every pool should have an accessible changing facility suitable for people with additional needs or disabilities , so there is no need for a child over 8 or parent to use the opposite- sex changing room.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Sat 08-Feb-14 12:06:14

At the end of the lesson her husband appeared shouting and threatening DH and saying he was a weirdo. He continued to threaten to beat him up, in front of our daughter.

charming, and wtf didn't he take their child in the changing room if it needed to be in the men's? confused

IDontDoIroning Sat 08-Feb-14 11:40:52

It's simple anyone over the age of 8 uses their correct gender changing rooms. ( I'm assuming both parties have no sn)
If you are over 8 and are accompanying anyone under 8 then you go in the correct room for the over 8 yo.
Dad should have gone in mens with dd. if she didn't like it then he should have either used the family room or not gone swimming.

yes there may be nasty paedos in there but she was with her dad so wouldn't have need vulnerable. Anyway I know that nasty paedos are everywhere hmm but based on the fact he had a child the dad was more likely to be a pervy hetero and possibly enjoying the odd flash of adult lady.

One person not being bothered by letting it all hang out for all and sundry to see does not trump another persons need for privacy whether it's personal due to surgery cultural or religious.

Otherwise it is a get out if jail free card (literally) for any would be peeping tom with a child.

Daykin Fri 07-Feb-14 09:18:01

I swim at 3 pools (for boring reasons)

Pool 1 - council - changing village
Pool2 - council - 1950's style open plan - no cubicles at all - big square shower with unnecessarily close together shower heads - yellow tiles - everyone looks jaundiced - lots of nudity
Pool 3 - private - open plan with 3 cubicles - even more nudity - lots of rubbing lotions on

The changing village one was open plan until about 5 years ago. I'm sure lots of older council pools still are.

indyandlara Fri 07-Feb-14 09:13:20

Completely wrong. A few months ago DH was changing our daughter for swimming lessons. She is 4. He used the open, male changing room which can be used for family groups or individuals. A woman was changing her older child in there too. The women's room is next door. When DH pointed out that she was in the wrong room she became abusive and said she could change her child where she liked. He said that as he was going to get changed too, she had no business being in there. She stormed out. At the end of the lesson her husband appeared shouting and threatening DH and saying he was a weirdo. He continued to threaten to beat him up, in front of our daughter.

Use the right changing rooms people.

bodygoingsouth Fri 07-Feb-14 09:07:00

you know what I think there maybe a difference here between people describing council run swimming pools and private gyms with pools.

and if course the man was a twat/perv.

Daykin Fri 07-Feb-14 08:32:15

showmesaturn you should come to my gym. We even have topless hair drying - usually performed by those who are very proud of their new boobs. I would hate to not have a proper shower after swimming. The same changing room serves the gym and naturally people who've ben using the gym strip off to shower. People do generally drape themselves in a towel when walking about but it would be near impossible to not expose some of your body at some point.
I'm amazed that anyone can use open plan changing and have never seen anyone in the nuddy. I am also amazed by the number of people who have said on this thread and other similar ones 'surely you are in a cubicle' when it says in the OP that it's "shared facilities (just a few cubicles)".

TamerB Fri 07-Feb-14 08:05:40

It is a barmy thread! Lazy, wet parent doesn't want to deal with a tantrum so he would rather upset a roomful of women and people try and justify his selfish behaviour!

bodygoingsouth Fri 07-Feb-14 08:04:32

and yes plenty of women walk around naked in our pool area too. it can be a bit ott actually. grin

bodygoingsouth Fri 07-Feb-14 08:02:22

this thread is Barmy!!

no no under no circumstances should he have set foot into the female only changing area. if my dds had been half naked in there and a random bloke walked in I would assume he was a pervert and, depending upon my mood, slap his face hard and report him at once, or order him to leave at once and report him.

I wouldn't dream of walking into the make changing room either.

whether or not he had his dd with him is completely immaterial.

TamerB Fri 07-Feb-14 07:21:18

I should tell him in no uncertain terms that be could deal with the tantrum and if he didn't move I should report him to the management.

TamerB Fri 07-Feb-14 07:19:30

I have seen plenty of naked women under the shower, every time I go to my local pool in fact so you must have missed my corner!
The father wasn't acting in the best interest of the child, he was demonstrating lazy parenting of 'anything for a quiet life'.

Grennie Fri 07-Feb-14 01:05:23

I have seen plenty of half naked women drying their top halfs with the costume down. Remember there are no cubicles.

Is this the same MN that thinks it is totally wrong for a father to take photos of children in a play, but being in a changing room meant for girls and women is fine?

ShowMeSaturn Fri 07-Feb-14 01:01:26

I've been swimming my whole childhood and adult life and never once seen a naked adult walking around the changing rooms or showers - and I've lived in all four corners of this country.

Personally, I can't see the problem. If his daughter felt more comfortable in the female changing area than in the grown male adults changing area, her dad was putting her interests first.

Is this the same bunch of women who complain about fathers using the milk warmer in the desginated breastfeeding areas? I think so. Pfftt.

Misspixietrix Thu 06-Feb-14 22:52:24

No. I think he was thick. smile to put it politely. But still unreasonable. As I stated many times.

CrohnicallyFarting Thu 06-Feb-14 22:47:02

I did read the thread, and I wasn't entirely sure which side you were on. You seemed to be saying 'he wasn't reasonable, but there might have been extenuating circumstances' or maybe 'that particular man wasn't reasonable, but if a man had done it under these specific circumstances that apply to my sister, that would have been reasonable'

I read your comments about your sister in the context of the argument about whether men would perv on small girls. I didn't relate it to your earlier comments at all.

Dubjackeen Thu 06-Feb-14 22:42:24

OP, YANBU, you did the right thing. Next time, if there is a next time, he should be reported to staff. I don't have children, but tried to picture any of my brothers or brother in law doing what this guy did. Thankfully, I can't picture it, they just wouldn't even think of doing it.

Misspixietrix Thu 06-Feb-14 22:36:52

No. Because I wasn't defending him confused. The only people that would think that. Are the ones that didn't read the thread.

CrohnicallyFarting Thu 06-Feb-14 22:15:53

So to summarise:
Everybody says dad should have taken daughter in family room.
Some people chip in with anecdotes about pools where there are no family change.
Random poster gets confused and thinks there is no family change and therefore says they should have been in male changing.
Argument gets sidetracked a little by people discussing merits of changing small children in opposite sex changing rooms.
You come by and say 'but my sister wouldn't have gone in the men's'.
Although you were talking to random poster, your comment comes in the middle of the argument sidetracking people, so your comment has the undertones of 'she wouldn't have gone in the men's so she would have had to go in the ladies with dad'- don't forget we have been discussing situations where there is no family change, only men's or women's and your comment was read in that context.

Can you see now why people think you were defending the dad?

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