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To kill my DH when he gets in?!

(66 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Tue 04-Feb-14 16:28:28

There has been a wooden garden chair out the front of my house since the first weekend in December when DH put the Christmas lights up...

It is really chunky and heavy and doesn't fit through the gate to the garden, so it has to be carried through the house, in one go so as not to mark everything in its now dirty, damp, slimy legged state. I've asked DH to please carry it through pretty much every day since he left it out there..

Today, I came back home and the bloody chair gives me such rage every time I see it, so I thought, fuck it, it can't be that heavy, I'll do it!

1. Why has he picked the chunkiest chair we own to do this job, and why not simply a stepladder?! Who f***ing knows!

2. Yes, it really is that heavy!

So first, I have to remove a box of rubbish he has placed on the chair which promptly the bottom falls out of due to dampness and goes bloody everywhere. Then I notice an elephant ornament I like is secretly broken in the box so I'm already at quite a heightened level of pissed off-ness.

After I've picked all the rubbish up, I realise the door has blown shut and I've locked myself out.

I manage to get the garden gate open and run the spider gauntlet down the side and slip straight over as I step on the slippery decking.

Into dog shit.

And the back door is locked.

And I've Really hurt my wrist.

And the bloody chair is still out the front!!

I go back to the front door and knock and knock till my 3 year old answers the door.

I carry the chair (with hurt wrist) through my hall, into the kitchen and scrape the whole white wall.

I practically throw it out onto the decking and count to ten.

My wrist is now very swollen and kind of purple.

I have dog shit on my coat.

There is rubbish everywhere.

I've destroyed my kitchen wall.

It's all his fault...

WIBU to kill him?!?!

Ivedunnit Tue 04-Feb-14 16:30:29

LTB

DawnOfTheDee Tue 04-Feb-14 16:30:58

I'll be your alibi if you need it grin

GoofyIsACow Tue 04-Feb-14 16:33:33

Kill him... Fucking bastard!

apologises profusely because i did laugh a little bit, only because this is the very sort of thing that happens to me

Ring him and tell him to bring chocolate lest you chop his balls off smile

redshifter Tue 04-Feb-14 16:35:27

You should have just moved it yourself in the first week in December. Why didn't you? I'm really puzzled.

SumBex Tue 04-Feb-14 16:35:39

Hmm, YANBU if you think he will fit under the decking. Make sure he reprints the wall before you despatch(dispatch?) him wink

clarksonforPM Tue 04-Feb-14 16:35:42

Please, please rememember the following -

Women, if you ask a man to do a job, it will get done - there is no need to remind him every month about it.....

WorkingItOutAsIGo Tue 04-Feb-14 16:35:44

No jury in the land would convict you. Clearly justifiable homicide.

PS do get that wrist checked?

KurriKurri Tue 04-Feb-14 16:37:12

Get your wrist checked out - swollen and purple is not good.

Then scrape dog shit off your coat and transfer to DH's coat.

Then leave him.

shoofly Tue 04-Feb-14 16:39:06

Ignore redshifter and no jury would convict you

thornrose Tue 04-Feb-14 16:39:19

Look on the bright side... Oh no, there isn't one grin

Beastofburden Tue 04-Feb-14 16:40:23

Can you electrocute him with the christmas lights?

Second the need for him to come home early, with chocolate, so you can get your wrist checked out while he puts the 3 year old to bed and makes dinner. With wine.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 04-Feb-14 16:42:18

Yanbu.

This "in my time" point proving shit gets ok my nerves. Just move the bloody thing.

cake wine <- plenty where that came from so tuck in

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Tue 04-Feb-14 16:42:24

First things first, get wrist checked.

If wrist is healthy, make large cup of tea.

Drink it while husband cleans the wall abd your coat.

ApprenticeViper Tue 04-Feb-14 16:42:49

"Then scrape dog shit off your coat and transfer to DH's coat."

Never mind his coat, I'd be putting it on his pillow!

Here, have wine and cake while you plot how to LTB (oooh, my first LTB! grin ).

And definitely get your wrist checked out - hope it's not your drinking arm sad

DownstairsMixUp Tue 04-Feb-14 16:44:17

grin Defintely LTB! I am quite weak and have a bad back a lot so feel your pain re waiting for partner to move things as it generally never gets done! It's so annoying isn't it! Then when you do it and something happens they say, "I told you I was going to do it!" que your face like angry

LollipopViolet Tue 04-Feb-14 16:44:18

I'd hide him under the decking too.

Also second what others have said - get painful wrist checked out.

I did laugh, but only because I can imagine it happening to me

DameDeepRedBetty Tue 04-Feb-14 16:46:53

First, put a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel sort of around your wrist.

Then kill DH, but only after he's taken you to Minor Injuries (if you're lucky enough to still have such a place) to get it checked out. And after he's looked after the children, fed you, given you wine and chocolates, and generally made a vague attempt to make up for being useless.

Report in later, we'll consider an appeal if the chocolates were good enough.

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 04-Feb-14 16:46:59

This sounds like my life .... Really made me chuckle .. Yes to under the deckinggrin

curiousgeorgie Tue 04-Feb-14 16:47:09

Redshifter - I (rightly) assumed that it would be too heavy to carry all the way through hallway / kitchen / around table and carefully manoeuvre the doorways without making a mess.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 04-Feb-14 16:48:49

Why was there dog shit on your decking?

DameDeepRedBetty Tue 04-Feb-14 16:48:58

First, put a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel sort of around your wrist.

This bit is genuinely IMPORTANT.

curiousgeorgie Tue 04-Feb-14 16:49:29

I've sent a picture message of the chair on the decking...

In 3 minutes I'm sending one of the rubbish, the wall, my coat & my wrist wink

curiousgeorgie Tue 04-Feb-14 16:50:41

There's dog shit on my decking because my dog is currently out there running about making such messes wink

I thought it best he waited in the garden while I left the front door open..

Littleen Tue 04-Feb-14 16:58:06

Sounds like it could be me. I'd just burn the chair :P

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