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No reciprocation from friends re dinner

(55 Posts)
ateddybearfromdelaware1 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:09:06

Has anyone else experienced this?

Me and my partner invite friends round to ours to catch up, make a nice meal and have a nice evening.
We've had several couples over individually and sometimes groups.

It's never reciprocated! I find this quite rude, especially as I have dc and they don't, plus the cost of food, drinks and the effort to cook everything.

I know they don't have to invite us around but surely it's curtious?

ZenNudist Tue 04-Feb-14 11:19:31

I don't give hospitality to receive. It's nice if people reciprocate but between friends it really shouldn't matter. Not everyone likes cooking or is happy to show their house off.

If you have dc they might think they're doing you a favour coming to yours so you don't have to get babysitter.

If you're getting peeved about cost & would like to get out just suggest you all go to restaurant next time.

I also don't cook expensive food for friends.

Do they bring wine? Offer to bring dessert?

Unexpected Tue 04-Feb-14 11:21:43

How often has this happened? Are you NEVER invited back? We sometimes host and don't get a return invite (don't entertain in order to get one) but I know what you mean, in general, you invite your friends and they invite you back! We have busy lives and it might take six months before we can get together again with certain couples but the intention is certainly there!

juneau Tue 04-Feb-14 11:27:08

This reminds me that we owe good friends of ours at least two dinners ... actually more like four in my case as we've had girls nights at hers too. What's my excuse? We've been building a house for the past 12 months and moved in Dec. Before that our tiny, cluttered house was useless for entertaining. Plus, I hate cooking. It's bad mannered of me though, so thanks for reminding me.

teenagetantrums Tue 04-Feb-14 11:27:38

I go to peoples houses for dinner but never invite them here, to be honest i hate cooking and don't really like people in my shabby flat. I always take loads of wine when invited, when i was working i would take friends out for lunch in return cant afford that now. Maybe they think you wont be able to come due to childcare or maybe they never have people to dinner.

teenagetantrums Tue 04-Feb-14 11:28:47

Oh and i never had people round for dinner before having children, wouldn't have occurred to me, we would have all gone to the pub.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:30:45


I don't give to receive, just think it would be polite? Or even invite out to restaurant and pay if you don't like cooking?
But I know that they do like cooking and have suitable flats so just a bit confused.

It's like having a friend babysit your dcs lots and never having theirs over.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:31:37

Guess I'm just grumpy as I always have to cook,
Would be nice to be cooked for for once!

pinkdelight Tue 04-Feb-14 11:34:10

My heart sinks when people ask us over to dinner. Even if they're friends and good cooks, it's just not my idea of fun and a waste of a babysitter, but there's usually no way of getting out of it. We reciprocate if we have to, but that's even worse because we don't like cooking or hosting and it's always hard to get rid of people. I realise this sounds really anti-social, but I'd rather go out somewhere with people, to see a film or show or go to a bar/restaurant. There's just something about a meal/dinner party that feels pressured and claustrophobic to me. I'm sure not all your friends are like me, but am just pointing out it's not everyone's idea of a good time and they may feel they're doing you a favour just by coming. That is how I see it actually - that if people ask you it's because they (for some reason!) like hosting meals, not because they want to be hosted in return.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:36:39

Maybe ill arrange meals out from now on!

Bowlersarm Tue 04-Feb-14 11:40:57

It's puzzling OP. Have they invited you to their parties or out to dinner instead?

It's really rude. They shouldn't accept your hospitality if they have no intention of reciprocating.

It's just strange if no one at all has invited you round.

Pigsmummy Tue 04-Feb-14 11:43:30

I used to host a lot, more than my friends but I didn't mind, I had more room and could work from home which meant that I had more time to prepare. Now I have a baby and I haven't had a group for a meal since baby was born. I have had the odd friend. I also had a friend who kept inviting herself and the girls around for dinner when baby was about three weeks old, I put her straight.

Kikithecat Tue 04-Feb-14 13:05:08

I expect they think you prefer hosting as you have children and would need a sitter or to take them along with you to a child-free household where they may be bored.

AwfulMaureen Tue 04-Feb-14 13:10:05

I think you might be being unreasonable. I sometimes cook for friends with and without of them never does it back as they have a disabled son..I wouldn't expect them to...the other lot work horrendous hours and I make them a meal and host because otherwise they'd never go anywhere and we wouldn't see them! I think if you like hosting then host but don't expect anything back...

BarbarianMum Tue 04-Feb-14 13:16:45

I don't expect hospitality to be returned on a '1 dinner given = 1 dinner invited to' basis but some element of reciprocity is normal, surely? YANBU

5Foot5 Tue 04-Feb-14 13:17:02

Yes I also think it must be something to do with the fact that you have DC.

Either they think it would be really difficult for you to come to theirs because of getting a babysitter or they are afraid that you will expect the DCs to be included in the invitation

sanschocolat Tue 04-Feb-14 13:23:35

YANBU to expect to be invited back once in a while.

I think a certain amount of reciprocity is normal. Most of our friends are settled/with dc though. Perhaps your friends are just at a different life stage?

Iwannalaylikethisforever Tue 04-Feb-14 13:25:48

I don't think you are bu.
It's not that I give to receive but I like some effort and thought. Surely that's what friendships are about.

piratecat Tue 04-Feb-14 13:26:59

yanbu to have expected someone at some point to have reciprocated.

I'd deffo arrange to meet at a restaurant from now on.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Tue 04-Feb-14 13:30:27

Are they friends or acquaintances?

People have loads of reasons for not reciprocating:

2. Too busy (I find it practically impossible to find a date for people to come to dinner given family occasssions and all the dc's activities)

2. Hate cooking/hosting anxiety

3. Don't like you enough to want to invite you over!

OldBeanbagz Tue 04-Feb-14 13:30:36

Maybe they're intimidated by your cooking? Are you a fab cook/host? Maybe they worry that their cooking isn't of the same standard?

I agree with you though. It would be nice to be invited back sometime.

ChippingInWadesIn Tue 04-Feb-14 13:36:36

You don't always have to cook you choose to cook.

As for 'they could take us to a restaurant and pay' my ghast is flabbered.

LornMowa Tue 04-Feb-14 13:37:24

When I was young, I worked with a number of people who were in their 40s and 50s. We sometimes went out for work lunches and they would always insist on buying my meal. One of the women explained to me that she was happy to pay for the office junior because she knew I couldn't afford it and these things go around and one day I will do the same for someone else.

Its now my turn to be generous to those less fortunate than myself. Hopefully your good turn will be repaid by someone sometime.

RawShark Tue 04-Feb-14 13:38:00

When my friends had kids we used to go round and take wine, they would cook. Our house didn't have a table so hard to reciprocate.

Am thinking now -was it really rude but as they were really good friends I think it was mutually beneficial-they saved on baby sitting, we helped with washing up and everyone had a nice time. I think we may even have discussed going to ours and sticking with theirs for those reasons.It wasn't fancy though-bean casserole with my friend's experimenting with yummy puddings.

Knowing what I know now about having kids I would have cooked too which us a bit embarrassing. We still see them regularly so can't have offended too much!

poshspiceeatsquinoa Tue 04-Feb-14 13:39:56

you should re evaluate these friendships. maybe they are not real friends. try to get to know people who are more interested in you.

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