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To think that DP can't really go on his brother's stag?

(109 Posts)
Cookethenook Tue 04-Feb-14 09:50:07

Bit long, sorry, but i really need some advice.

DP's brother is getting married this year and the stag is coming up in a few months.

I've just come off maternity leave, but am unable to fully return to work because i'm having a fairly major op in April and the nature of my job (childcarer) means that i'm not able to sign people up for that short amount of time if i'm then going to be off for 8 weeks (i'm doing babysitting, holiday and emergency childminding at the mo).

We are pretty broke at the moment as a result, but as my parents insisted that i go for my operation instead of going back to work, they offered to give us any extra money we needed to get by for the next few months. This is UNBELIEVABLY generous of them as they are both retired, and although they are not badly off, it would mean digging into their savings a bit if something big came up.

I'm also having to sell a precious family heirloom at auction as well, to raise some extra funds.

So, back to the stag.

So a few weeks ago the best man emailed round saying 'we're going to be doing something such and such weekend, is everyone in?' kind of thing. DP said yes. He had a bit of birthday money and assumed that would cover it.
About a week later, best man emailed back saying, 'we're going for two nights away, doing 2 activities and are going out on the saturday for curry and clubbing. It's going to cost £230 just for the accommodation and activities.'

We were totally gobsmacked. We had no idea it would cost that much!! We thought it would be a night out in london or brighton, so £50 max for him. It doesn't include:
-food and drink for the friday and sunday
-food, drink and club entry for the saturday
- the £40 we've already paid for dp to do a different stag activity on a different weekend

After deliberating for about a week, it was decided that there was no way we could afford it. He was just about to email the guy to tell him no, when he received an email saying it was all booked and could everyone pay up. DP hadn't replied at that point, so this guy had booked without getting the final all clear from everyone.

So to cut a long story short, a private email was sent saying no, and the guy has come back saying 'could you just stay at the accommodation and thats it, it'll cost £120.'

DP is now wondering wether he should ask his parents for the money as they are well off and he knows they'd say yes. I don't think this is a good idea and tbh, a bit unfair on me and our kids, as well as my parents who are scrimping and saving. We're also having to travel to the other end of the country for the wedding anyway AND we still haven't sorted a gift AND he's already doing another stag activity.

I know it's his brother's stag and i do feel awful that he's in this position because of me, but i really don't think it's an option for him to go. I'm also bloody pissed that this guy booked it without getting a final confirmation from him and has put us in this position. I also think that if dp is going and just staying at the house and not doing anything else, then whats the point in going?

What do you think?

LadyVetinari Tue 04-Feb-14 09:54:07

YANBU. It was presumptuous of the best man to book without receiving the all-clear, so it's his problem to sort out. Surely your DP's brother knows about your circumstances and will therefore be understanding?

OddFodd Tue 04-Feb-14 09:58:19

It's a hotel booking which can be cancelled without any financial penalty so I'd just reiterate he can't go.

Besides, how crap to go to a stag do and sit in the hotel on your own while everyone else goes out! That wouldn't happen would it - and your DP would end up having to pay for stuff or feel really awkward.

If things are so tight you're having to sell stuff, £500 on a stag weekend is madness

cansu Tue 04-Feb-14 10:03:37

If his parents are prepared to pay for it then he can go. If not then he obviously cant go. I would be inclined to leave that decision to him tbh. I think its enough for you to say 'we as a family cant afford this'.

Cookethenook Tue 04-Feb-14 10:03:51

It's a house they've booked, so either the best man would foot the bill of him not going or they'd spread the cost over the other people i presume.

I think dp feels guilty that other people will have to pay more, but i've pointed out that's not his fault, it's the best man's.

ViviPru Tue 04-Feb-14 10:06:50

this guy booked it without getting a final confirmation from him

This is the crux of the issue. No matter how it gets twisted from here on in, this is the fact and so it is not your problem.

The person who organised my hen do did this, but rather than suck it up as an error on her part, she made all the other hens pay more, and then when that didn't cover it, it was all brought to my attention and I had to cover the shortfall. I wasn't annoyed at my friends who couldn't make it for legitimate reasons, I was irked by the organiser who ought to have not been so foolish.

pussycatdoll Tue 04-Feb-14 10:09:11

As it's his brother I'd tell him to speak to his brother about it

EasterHoliday Tue 04-Feb-14 10:11:55

It's his brother. He should speak to his brother and if his parents are well off, why can't they help you both out, as well as helping him go to his own brother's stag night? Assuming they actually like each other, of course he must go if there's a way to do it.

squeakytoy Tue 04-Feb-14 10:12:24

If it was just a mate then yanbu but it is his brother so I think he should go if he can

Lavenderhoney Tue 04-Feb-14 10:15:01

Your dp needs to call us brother ASAP and explain, as a family you can't do it. The best man shouldn't have booked like that and I doubt you are the only one in shock

It really depends on how close they are, and your dp could also speak to his mum and dad ( not to ask for money, just to explain its not a falling out iyswim)

Could he have a lovely brothers night out instead, or he and your dp have a night in with dinner and lovely wine instead? You could stay at a friends or something, or invite his bride? This might be nice, as you will be family and build a good bond. Invite parents too, maybe?

Topaz25 Tue 04-Feb-14 10:17:27

Your parents are giving you money to get by and you're having to sell a precious family heirloom, if his family can afford to help you out that should go on everyday expenses too. At the end of the day, if his brother wants to have such an extravagant stag party he should understand not everybody will be able to afford to attend and the best man shouldn't have booked without everyone's agreement. Since your DP is doing a different stag activity on a different weekend then he is still taking part.

ImagineJL Tue 04-Feb-14 10:19:41

Since its his brother, I think it counts as a family thing, and therefore I think he should ask his parents for the money. If they say yes, then he should go. If they say no, then he shouldn't.

Cookethenook Tue 04-Feb-14 10:31:37

That pretty much sums up my thoughts topaz

glasgowsteven Tue 04-Feb-14 11:47:01

I had this issue with my Partner,

we were really sturggling to get by - 20 quid a week on all food shopping, no treats nothing,

her friends all went to go for a weekend away about 400 quid.

Her mum said

"I will pay so you can have fun"

I was working 2 jobs, she was a student....

I said to her later

"you need to refuse its not fair me working and having barely enough to live on and you having a european city break becuase your parents are rich"

she did refuse

He should not go.....You cant afford it

AnnaLegovah Tue 04-Feb-14 11:52:53

As others have said the best man shouldn't have presumed. Far too often in these situations the organiser goes nuts and thinks everyone can and will pay huge amounts of money. YANBU - think your DP needs to speak to his brother.

I went to a hen do last year that had added on activites - I could only just afford them. On the day it turned out half the hen party couldn't afford the activities at all so only half the group went to them while those who couldn't afford them stayed in the hotel. It was very odd and hard to get an excited atmosphere when only some of you are actually doing the main event of the weekend. sad

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex Tue 04-Feb-14 12:05:51

Could your dp get a loan from his parents that could be paid back when you're straight again?

Anybody else I would say don't go, but it's his brother

glasgowsteven Tue 04-Feb-14 12:09:39

His brother will understand

I just dont get people saying - oh its a stag, if you dont go its offensive!!

a few days drinking with his brother and his brothers a$$hole friends (probably)

where he was (prob) invited only because he was the brother

He is not even the BM

(In scotland BM is almost always Brother)

WhoNickedMyName Tue 04-Feb-14 12:14:33

I think if your DP's parents are willing to pay then he should go to it, but maybe for just one night.

As for the hotel room - tough shit for whoever booked it, they'd have to cancel the second night or cough up for it themselves.

lilyaldrin Tue 04-Feb-14 12:16:35

It's too expensive and you can't afford it - I agree with whoever pointed out that if you are borrowing/being given money from his parents it should be to cover basic costs so you don't have to sell your belongings, not to fund a holiday!

glasgowsteven Tue 04-Feb-14 12:17:17

Would the family not gain more from using that money to have some time together

Or is it more important for boys to be boys



squoosh Tue 04-Feb-14 12:17:35

'I said to her later

"you need to refuse its not fair me working and having barely enough to live on and you having a european city break becuase your parents are rich"

she did refuse'

I really wouldn't have taken kindly to being told to refuse a gift from my parents.

Cookethenook Tue 04-Feb-14 12:29:17

even if he just went for 1 night, the fuel cost would be £60

glasgowsteven Tue 04-Feb-14 12:29:33

It was basically a deal breaker, I was working 60 hours a week (day job and night job in a pub) - her rich friends who had all left uni 4 years previously (this was her second degree) wanted a european city break and her parents heard on the grapevine.

Oh we will pay if you cant afford it.

I could not deal with all my money going to cover all the family bills etc etc but her dad dropping 500 quid so she could swagger off with her friends.

Looks like a lot of PP above would also tell their partner in this situation to refuse a gift of paying for the stag.....

Cravey Tue 04-Feb-14 12:30:26

That's a hard one. As it's his brother I would sort it out so he could go. I don't think I would be too happy though. What's the deal with hen and stag parties now ? They all seem to cost hundreds of pounds.

Cookethenook Tue 04-Feb-14 12:38:04

I know cravey it's totally nuts.

BIL and his friends are all very posh 'lads'. They love ale, whisky, drinking games and going out. They're in their late 20s but all have extremely well paid jobs and obviously, no children. I just don't think they even considered that DP might not be able to afford that much.

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