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Feeling very sad

(17 Posts)
Justwanttobehappynow Tue 04-Feb-14 01:51:09

I know I shouldn't be posting here, it's not an AIBU.
I just wanted to write down these things going on in my head, maybe it might help. Nobody knows how I feel or what I've done to myself. I also know I need professional help. I just don't want to talk to real life people right now.
There are so many people worse of than me, I know I need to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself but it's easier said than done.

On Friday I lost my job. It was a sales job, I was ok at it sometimes but the majority of the time I wasn't, it was an apprenticeship and my first ever job, I was miserable but I wanted to stick it out for the year to get my qualifications and experience. I was not expecting to be told I had to leave, because I wasn't hitting targets. I was ill a lot because of the stress, I struggled with the pressure, I cried all the time, I cried on my lunchbreak in the toilets, I had tried to overdose once after a particularly bad day, I punched myself in the face, I cut myself, the job was horrible but I was so committed to sticking at it for the year. i lasted 6 months, I wasn't doing enough for them, I tried so hard.

And I have nothing to show for it.

My boss (ex boss) emailed me today saying she was disappointed in me.

I've been searching for new jobs (nothing sales related) I had a telephone interview today, I was not prepared for it at all as they did not say they were going to ring me then, they asked me loads of questions about my old job, I got tongue tied and they hung up on me, it was horrible. sad

Tonight I've cut myself again, I don't want to I just can't help it now, I've taken too many ibruprofen as well, but it's not enough to overdose.
I know I don't want to die, I am a happy person other than this. I just feel like a failure, and I feel very, very lost.

I can't talk to anybody about this, I know they are just going to tell me to pull myself together, it's just a job.
I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am. I don't hurt myself over other things in my life, I don't hurt myself if things don't go my way. If I stop thinking about all this, I can smile and laugh. I don't know why I keep hurting myself over it.

I'm 20.

craftysewer Tue 04-Feb-14 01:59:09

It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. Do you have anyone with you that you can talk to? How many ibuprofen have you taken, I know you say it's not enough to overdose, but I'm worried about you. I think it might help if you talk to your GP. It sounds like you may be depressed and need a little help. It's easy to think that just because there are people worse off than you that you don't deserve any help, but you do. You are obviously struggling. Losing your job is devastating and if you are trying to cope with all this on your own, it is so hard. Please reply to me.

Nittynana Tue 04-Feb-14 01:59:50

I am sorry you lost your job and that is making you feel dreadful.
I know you dont want to talk to anyone, i know how that feels, and self harming feels like a release.
Have you thought about phoning the samaritans, or emailing them?
Could you talk to your doctor, maybe about counselling?
Stay safe

Justwanttobehappynow Tue 04-Feb-14 02:03:24

I took six 200mg tablets, I didn't have the guts to take anymore. I know I need to get help but I don't want to just yet, just writing it out here was scary enough. Thank you for replying.

NadiaWadia Tue 04-Feb-14 02:04:57

Sweetheart don't think of yourself as a failure. You are not. The climate in sales job is very tough indeed for anyone. And I think often it requires a certain personality type, a very pushy thickskinned type of person. And maybe that's not you, you are probably too nice for that.

What was the point of your ex-boss emailing you that? Just a bitchy thing to do. They are obviously not good people in that company. Did they ever offer you any support - because they should have done. They failed in their duty to you in my opinion.

You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take some time and think about what you would really like to do. Have you thought about going back to college? Or maybe doing a creative or caring job instead?

I suggest if you are self-harming you ring Samaritans. They are really helpful. And book an appointment with your GP. Can you talk to anyone in your family or friends?

And please please don't feel bad about yourself - you tried your best and it is no shame on you whatsoever.

Sangelina Tue 04-Feb-14 02:06:24

I'm so sorry; you've got an awful lot todeal with there. You could talk to someone at Samaritans. Please don't try to deal with feeling like this on your own, they're there to help. X

NadiaWadia Tue 04-Feb-14 02:22:01

Website is samaritans.org

and the helpline is open 24 hours

08457 90 90 90

Please do give them a call. They are used to people ringing up unsure of what to say etc. So you don't need to wait.

Sending you virtual hugs and thanks

longingforsomesleep Tue 04-Feb-14 02:26:41

You poor darling. You're so young and you sound so desperate. I'm concerned about the ibuprofen - would you call NHS direct to check you haven't taken too many? If you google you'll find the number for your area.

Samaritans might be another good number to ring 08457 90 90 90 - UK.

First of all I admire you enormously for sticking at a job you hated so much for 6 months. That shows tremendous grit and determination. And you do have something to show for it - 6 months work experience during which you will have absorbed all sorts of information about the world of work including soft skills such as how to deal with people. And the main thing you have to show for it is that you've learnt you don't want to work in sales. You also don't want to work for a company that would ring you up, put you on the spot and then be so incredibly rude as to hang up on you, So no way have you wasted the six months.

You're still very young and you have time to experiment with different types of work to find out what suits you. Do you still have family support while you are finding your feet or is it a case of having to get work whatever it is?

Let me tell you something. My eldest son is 20 at the end of this year. He left school last summer having scraped a couple of A levels. Since then he has worked for a few months in a warehouse (his dad found him the job) and he's currently doing a short course (which his dad suggested). He has done NOTHING off his own bat. I'm trying to keep calm, thinking he has a year or two to sort himself out, but I wish he had half of your gumption and staying power. These qualities and the desire to make a success of a job are what employers want. You've just got to find the RIGHT employer who sees your potential.

Be kind to yourself and, as Nitty says, maybe see your gp to ask about counselling? If you would find it difficult to say what you need to say, how about printing off your original post, then you could just say to the gp it's probably easier if they read this rather than you try and explain things.

craftysewer Tue 04-Feb-14 02:35:47

Like Longingfor says, the fact that you stuck at this job for 6 months shows a commitment and self discipline that a lot of people don't have. I could never, ever, work in a sales environment. How about contacting one of the agencies that arranges apprenticeships and see what they have to offer you? They would also be able to support you whilst you are doing it as well. Please ring NHS direct and about the ibuprofen, sometimes you only need to take a few tablets to put you over the limit and it's better to be safe than sorry. Sending you hugs (I can't do the emoticon things!)

2Retts Tue 04-Feb-14 02:54:55

Agree with all of the others...I'd take you on in a flash!

There are so few folk of your age who want to commit and that would be enough for me to want to work with you to find your strengths and to work with them.

You picked a ridiculously ruthless career (seriously, it is!) and still committed to it...that's a worthy characteristic and one that most employers would truly value. Sadly, this is an arena fraught with unscrupulous employers/employers that don't appreciate the sacrifice etc. I know, I employ sales people and my own DS is in sales.

Don't be so hard on yourself and trust you will find someone who will appreciate you soon.

Adeleh Tue 04-Feb-14 03:37:28

It sounds as if your work environment was very unpleasant and horribly unsupportive. Most people would struggle with that, especially if it were their first job. You did really really well to stick it out, and your old boss sounds like a bitch. In fact she sounds like someone who knows damn well that she failed in her job, which was to support and guide you. You sound like a fabulously committed, conscientious worker, and the right job will come up for you. It's awful to be in a horrible workplace - it eats away at your confidence an this is what's happened to you.
I'd go and talk to a GP, get some help with how you're feeling, and thank god you're away from such awful people.
And I know you won't think so, but you should be really proud of yourself. Loads of people would just have walked out much sooner.

StrawberryTartYum Tue 04-Feb-14 05:13:49

How are you now OP?
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I agree what everyone advises, phone samaritans or your gp but meanwhile you can talk to me if you want?
(I know it can be daunting to make that first step and say these things out loud)
I don't have exact experience of what you went through but I did have very similar coping mechanisms and used them for a long time. Please please don't go through this alone .
((((((((hugs))))))))))
brew

KepekCrumbs Tue 04-Feb-14 05:27:31

I couldn't have done that job for five minutes. Respect to you for sticking at it for six months! You need some far better career advice- sounds like you might be happier working in a job supporting people rather than chasing money.

explore your options. You're plenty young enough to go for a complete change. Don't let this experience make you feel worthless. It was the wrong world for you and you're out of it now, thank goodness.

Smoorikins Tue 04-Feb-14 08:15:48

Just over two years ago, I had a break down at my work. I had been treated incredibly badly by my boss, and add to that personal issues, including bereavement, and I was in a similar place to you. I didn't cut myself, but I did think about it.

I handed in my notice as there was a distinct lack of support. Within three months I got a part time job, and started to work on my self esteem. Now I have a job in a place I love. I have a fantastic boss, and lovely colleagues. Now, with distance, the issues of two years ago really started me down a road that has taken me to a much better place.

I think the same will be true for you. The job didn't suit you. Maybe you should consider college, and training for something you are interested in? This is the time of year to apply.

You have the strength to get through this, and come out stronger.

longingforsomesleep Tue 04-Feb-14 22:36:20

How are you feeling today OP? Have you managed to talk things through with anyone yet?

MyArseIsbiggerThanYours Tue 04-Feb-14 22:43:33

Sales really suits a type of person and if you aren't that sort of person (like I wasn't when I did it) it is utterly, utterly soul destroying. Honestly this will probably turn out to be the best thing that has happened to you. If you can manage financially, take a few weeks to think through what you would actually like to so before leaping into the next job. I'm sure you will find your niche. Lots of luck in your search. And...

Please, please if you think about hurting yourself again or taking more pills consider ringing the Samaritans first. The link again (as posted by others) is.

08457 90 90 90

sharkey1187 Tue 04-Feb-14 23:02:03

When I was 18 I had an apprenticeship in a sales office, the job was so demoralising that I became depressed, was off with stress a lot and they kept trying to find reason to sack me. My GP helped me through it, I was given anti - depressants and he have great advice on how to deal with it.

I am now 26 and I have a job I love. Work out what you want to do and have the belief in yourself that you can do it. You are still so young and a job should not leave you feeling this way. Please don't harm yourself over someone else's opinion of you. Call and see your GP tomorrow. And please ring the Samaritans tonight if you think you want to hurt yourself again. It will get better for you.

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