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To have told DH to do it himself?

(35 Posts)
YouPutYourRightArmIn Mon 03-Feb-14 22:24:00

Wanking that is.

Our sex life has plummeted since I was pg with dd who is now 2. I breasted til dd was 18 mths and it was only after that that I felt remotely sexual again. Got my "mojo" back and am now pg with dc2. Sex drive plummeted again.

Now all through this DH has been pretty patient. No pressure but he does get very grumpy of he doesn't "release" every few days. I understand its a bit more physical for men than for women, that there is a build-up etc etc. and whilst DH maintains he doesn't expect me to do it for him he takes no responsibility for doing it himself.

If we've had a cozy few days (ie affectionate, feeling in love, no bickering etc etc) then I'm happy to do it and its a genuine act of love; I want to do something nice for him and want him to feel nice and I enjoy it too. But when either of us is grumpy/tired/fed up I find it hard to want to do it... It's feels functional rather than loving.

So AIBU to tell him to do it himself during those functional times?? Or am I being selfish? Should a man rely on his wife for all his sexual needs or should he take matters into his own hands when the need arises? that last sentence feels like something Carrie from SATC would write in one of her columns

Joysmum Mon 03-Feb-14 22:31:54

I don't have a problem with my DH 'self servicing' if I'm not there/up for it, as long as it doesn't affect our sex life. So I agree with you. Sex should be an expression of love, not duty.

YouPutYourRightArmIn Mon 03-Feb-14 22:36:29

grin self-service

I don't want to drive him to find it elsewhere but surely it's his responsibility to make sure he's "releasing" when he needs to, not mine. By all means it can be a joint effort for pleasure, but for those functional times??

MooMaid Mon 03-Feb-14 22:38:14

Personally, I don't think a man should reply on his partner/wife for all his sexual needs. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself as long as you're comfortable in the way that he does it.

Surely, it'll take the pressure off of everyone if he's satisfied from getting a release and you're happy because you don't feel guilty?

MooMaid Mon 03-Feb-14 22:39:07

....and I don't mean going elsewhere - to coin the phrase grin through self-service!

ApacheIndian Mon 03-Feb-14 22:42:09


I can't believe this kind of thing. There is absolutely NO obligation on you to do ANYTHING, least of all anything if a sexual nature. Same goes for him.

MostWicked Mon 03-Feb-14 22:42:30

Is he seriously not having a wank by himself?
Of course he needs to take care of himself for the time being.

SelectAUserName Mon 03-Feb-14 22:43:12

Actually it's a complete myth that there's a "build-up". Unused sperm is reabsorbed into the body.

WorraLiberty Mon 03-Feb-14 22:47:46

He probably does do it probably just feels better when you do it so he pretends he doesn't.

Are you sure it's the pregnancies and breast feeding and not a lack of 'alone' time?

Do you have anyone to mind the kids so you can get a night out together?

YouPutYourRightArmIn Mon 03-Feb-14 22:48:34

He reckons he struggles on his own. And to be fair doesn't have much alone time in which to do it, and says it would be weird to do it on his own with me there but not joining in.

He doesn't put me under any pressure. It's just something I think he should do to relieve his own pressure!!

He's gone to sleep in a bit if a silk tonight and whilst I feel like I'm being a bit stubborn/selfish I'm standing my ground; I want him to get in the habit of doing it when he needs it but is t going to get it from me!

Hassled Mon 03-Feb-14 22:48:38

What Select said. He won't explode if he doesn't orgasm every few days, or even ever. It's not like a balloon being blown up.

He sounds staggeringly selfish. You don't.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 03-Feb-14 22:50:05

YY - the need to release or your balls will explode/drop off is crap. You are not there to service his needs irrespective of if you are in the mood or not. You do recognise how deeply disrespectful he is being by putting you under pressure and trying to guilt you into doing what makes him feel good even when you don't want to.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 03-Feb-14 22:52:45

Sulking is putting you under pressure! It's also a deeply unattractive trait in a partner.

YouPutYourRightArmIn Mon 03-Feb-14 22:52:50

He's really not pressuring me. It's more that he doesn't take responsibility for it himself. I think it's a small but subtle difference.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 03-Feb-14 22:56:31

But why do you think it's your responsibility? Where have you got that idea?

ApacheIndian Mon 03-Feb-14 23:08:08

That's not a small or subtle difference!

It's the difference between a man who is respectful and one who isn't.

Jolleigh Mon 03-Feb-14 23:36:31

Sorry OP, slightly confused. Do you feel pressured simply because he's not doing it himself or is he actually pressuring you?

MBT1987 Mon 03-Feb-14 23:43:06

I know this might sound odd, but have you tried helping him in ways that aren't just doing it for him? Lie with him when he does it, kiss his neck, let him know that you're enjoying watching, maybe even caress his...

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, right... He may not be feeling sexy. There's a difference between needing to release, and wanting to take some pleasure. If it stops being sexy, and just becomes a chore, it may cause him more problems.

Does he ever want to do something for you? (and I mean solely for you, as opposed to "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, you're going to love this... And I'm spent!"?)

Anomaly Tue 04-Feb-14 07:05:48

So you've either been pregnant or breastfeeding during these droughts. So a good reason for you not to want sex. Your DH should have quietly sorted himself out. Ive been in the same position and my DH would never have dreamed of asking me to sort him. I presume he sorted himself or went without. It just sounds so wrong I can just imagine your 'to do list' with sort dh out amongst your other chores. So very romantic!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 04-Feb-14 07:46:51

He's not going to explode, there is no build up.

I had an ex-bf like this. He used to moan if I didn't want sex that I had to help him out as you know, it built up and he needed the release else he just couldn't function (complete rubbish). Every fucking day this turned in to! Every day i woke up with him wanting me to help him out. I ended up totally resenting him for it, it was a chore. Should have told him where his hand was and to get on with it.

NeoFaust Tue 04-Feb-14 08:03:17

It's not a physical need, that he can wank away; the emotional need, that he needs your hand with.

If you want him to feel happy and secure in your love for him, show him your love. If you want him to feel insecure, ugly and rejected, then don't.

Read some of the thread on here from women in sexless marriages. Do you want your husband to feel this way?

Melonbreath Tue 04-Feb-14 08:11:37

tell him you'll allow him to have an affair with Mrs palm and her five lovely daughters.

helloeverything Tue 04-Feb-14 08:17:12

I don't think it's a case of men need this, women need that - plenty of women with higher sex drives than their dh.
I would feel slightly excluded if dh got on with it by himself on a regular basis!
Is he sulking or does he feel rejected? I've felt rejected in the past when I've wanted it more than DH.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Tue 04-Feb-14 08:42:43

The OP is pregnant and has a toddler I imagine she is utterly knackered, yet there are posters taking about loveless marriage and rejection. What about a DH who recognises that right now his wife is physically struggling recognises that she might need a break and that he can look after his own needs for a bit.

Joysmum Tue 04-Feb-14 08:54:50

Get him a Fleshlight. I got my hubby the vibrating one for when he works away.

Tbh, there may be not need in some peoples eyes, but I personally, and I'm female, like to be satisfied at least every few days myself and feel better for it. It's better and easier for me, and us, if that's with my husband. If it's not with my husband then sex toys are great which is why I got him one for when I'm not around as fair's fair grin

Of course, there are a lot of sex toy haters so I don't expect this advice will be agreed with by everyone wink

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