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to not get a reply to a trully heartfelt text asking for support :( nc through ineptitude fromerly catfourfeet

(38 Posts)
dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 19:34:30

Hi all

Brief back story

DH with sever short term memory loss, my sister incredibly intrusive ( to say te least) in his medical care. Evil sister Esis

Dh now living away, applied for divorce 10 months ago, nothing happened yet. His sister also controlling / blocking his access to the dc.

My sister closest in age to me has been quite distant through all this does "not want to get involved". But is close to Esis.

After a few attempts to have a meet up. She was generally "too busy" could well be true but given my circumstances I hoped for more support.

Arranged to meet up with sis on Feb 20th for lunch, chat etc.

This last Sat there was a big family get together. Sis was at event from 3pm onwards I arrived at 4:30pm ( as asked, , small house 2 sets of guests as it were)

Sis went out in her car, I casually asked where she had been. She told me that she had visited Esis house but esis was "elsewhere" all very vague / odd. No mention if Esis had been at party.

I wanted to know if Esis had been at the party so texted as follows.

Me :

Hi sis, was esis at the party before I arrived ? Dizzy


Sis :

Hi dizzy , as I said to you at the party esis did not come at all. Makes me uncomfortable that you ask me again. I will give our meet up a miss. Take care.


You didn't say she hadn't come to the party just that se wasn't at her house in a very "vague" way.

No one in the family tells me anything.

I feel soooo cut off.

Esis knows more about my dh that I do.

I feel lost, alone, irrelevant.

im in the middle of the main square now typing this in tears.

im just lost.


I received no reply.

A couple of hours later I sent

Me :

I didn't mean to be rude to you I really didn't.

Id of like to see you but as you have said to me you "don't want to get involved" so I understand why you don't want to meet up.

I feel so,so alone

I will do my best to "take care" but right now I don't even know how.

I wouldn't wish what has happened to me on my worst enemy.

I miss my life.
I have friends I can meet up with but just for a little while I needed, really needed a sister.

I wont trouble you again.

If you do ask me how things are I shall say "fine".



I have sobbed all day, I just needed some support.

In all the time my dh has been away ( nearly 2 years) not one member of my family has rung to ask if I am ok, not one sad

I must be as vile as esis and sil tell my dh I am.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 03-Feb-14 19:39:14

I am so sorry this hasn't gotten any better for you. I remember your posts from before. I really have no practical advice for you.

Your family sounds so unsupportive of what you have been through.

I can't remember from before but are you speaking to someone (in the professional capacity)?

Hissy Mon 03-Feb-14 19:41:42

No love, you are not vile.

They are.

Try to shut off from that part of your life lovey, put an end to it all, focus on your dc, yourself and your friends.

Looks like your sis is mini-esis.

You've had such a horrible couple of years at the hands of this pisspoor family, please just turn the page and put all of them into the past. They are of no help to you or your dc.

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 19:42:14

hi meep

I am staring therapy in 2 weeks time.

10 week course, private, so no holiday this year but its a necessity.

Hissy Mon 03-Feb-14 19:42:49

Could you come and see us on the stately homes thread? I think you'll find yourself a safe haven there, where others will understand you and feel for you.

Hissy Mon 03-Feb-14 19:43:24

Therapy's a great idea! It'll really help!

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 03-Feb-14 19:45:03

Good I'm really glad. I really hope you find some comfort in it. I can only imagine how confusing this entire situation could be for someone. Not to mention the absolute heartbreak of it all.

And you are not vile at all. Your Sister and SIL have a lot to answer for.

justmyview Mon 03-Feb-14 19:45:08

Sorry, I kind of recognise this story, but not the details. I think professional help might be the answer here?

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 19:45:57

hissy ,

sis is sooooo not esis. she really, really isn't.

I think she feel s "caught" but it hurts that she plays "happy families" with esis but has to be shoe horned into speaking to me.

I must be the evil one.

Isnt this what narcs think " Im great , everyone else is wrong, why do they hate poor old meeee"

Piscivorus Mon 03-Feb-14 19:48:40

I remember your threads dizzy and am so sorry that your family are still being so spectacularly shit. Unfortunately I think you need to put them all out of your mind and concentrate on healing yourself.

When the only person you can rely on is yourself it can feel very lonely but you will come through it stronger and better. Good luck

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 19:50:54

im at the centre of all this, im the one all the "trouble" comes off.

If I had been a better wife, a better carere a better mother than none of this would have happened.

my family all think esis is great , the one common ingredient to all the shit is me .

ZillionChocolate Mon 03-Feb-14 20:08:05

None of this is your fault or your choice. It's entirely for you to be the one normal one in a family of dicks. Hope the counselling gives you a good outlet.

alcibiades Mon 03-Feb-14 20:16:04

I do remember your past threads.

the one common ingredient to all this shit is me - no, the common ingredient is your evil sister. She's a nasty piece of work, and quite probably the reason why everyone else goes along with her is to protect themselves lest she turn on them.

I can't recall all the details, but have you ever sought legal advice about getting the Court of Protection involved on the basis that your husband is a vulnerable adult?

flippinada Mon 03-Feb-14 20:22:11

I remember your previous threads and the awful situation with your DH.

I think you have to stop hoping for help and support from your family, as tough as that is, because you are simply not going to get it. Reactions of sitting on the fence and not getting involved are often a coded way of saying 'I'm not actually that bothered about you or the situation you're in'.

I really hope the therapy helps you and also recommend the stately homes thread as a source of support.

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 20:24:01

no point in court of protection, he is deemed to have mental capacity.

his memory has improved a lot. but ( I think) that the last 3 years are just a blur to him and his "history" of it all is based on esis and sil. all lies or lies by omission sad

Heebiejeebie Mon 03-Feb-14 21:23:48

Why didn't you ask her face to face or someone else when you went into the party? It sounds pretty hard work - the
multiple texts triggered by a brief encounter in the street, culminating in 'I won't trouble you again'.

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 21:31:15

I didn't want to cause an upset at the party. my family know what I think of esis.

I didn't meet anyone in the street??????

gobbynorthernbird Mon 03-Feb-14 21:40:15

I understand why you are so hurt by this, but the way you have reacted to your sister isn't good. That's a massive amount of guilt to put on her, unfairly so IMO.

kungfupannda Mon 03-Feb-14 21:46:34

I've read your threads before, and you're in a very sad and difficult position, OP.

But I think this text conversation was ill-advised. Your sister is, to some extent, in the middle of all this, although it seems as though, if push came to shove, she'd pick your other sister over you.

By texting her and specifically asking about the movements of your other sister, you've effectively asked her to give you information about someone she knows you dislike, and who she is close to. She probably doesn't see why you want the information, or why she is being pressed to give it.

If you think there's a realistic prospect of salvaging a relationship with this sister, and you think it's in your interests to pursue one, then I think you need to be talking to her face to face, and asking for her support, entirely independent of your difficulties with your other sister. If she thinks you're always going to be pumping her for information about your other sister then she's likely to keep her distance. This was a fairly minor and unnecessary thing to chase her about - unless there's some very pressing reason why you needed to know about your other sister's movements, of course.

It may well be that she's someone who is never going to help or support you - only you know whether or not she's worth your time. It doesn't sound as though any of them are going to be much help to you, to be honest. But if she is worth your time, then I think you need to keep your relationship with her completely separate from your other sister.

Hissy Mon 03-Feb-14 21:47:45

Sweety, not one person has asked how you are! She's not supporting you either.

What good is she, or any of them doing here? None!

I don't know how many threads you've had in your battle to come to terms with all this, but I think i've been on every one of them. The threads would stay with me, and i'd often wonder how you are. I know that I wasn't the only one.

We care, we do. Real people on the other end of an Internet connection.

Your family have let you down catastrophically. They don't deserve you. They really don't.

You are a great person, a good wife (you fought long and hard for your H's diagnosis, and tried to protect his interests) you're a great mum,(in all this, you kept going) and as a person your heart is so evidently huge, it almost lifts from the screen.

Not one thing of any of this was caused by you. Nothing you could have done would make any difference.

Your h became ill, your sister stole him, with the blessing of your entire family.

Treachery is it's vilest and purest form.

PleaseNoScar Mon 03-Feb-14 21:47:46

I'm remember your thread slack jawed at your esis.
I also think your text was very passive aggressive and would wind me up no end.

Your esis is the problem, not you.
You have to be master of your own ship and not rely on them at all.
I'm sorry about your marriage- that must be very very hard. I hope things improve very soon for you.

Lambzig Mon 03-Feb-14 21:52:11

I remember your threads and I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like your sis is just burying her head in the sand. Although, I have had some fall outs with my sister in the past, but know I would get a response to a distressed text like that day or night. Any chance she was with semis when you sent it?

I think you need to put this out of your mind and focus on yourself and your therapy.

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 22:02:19

the texts weren't meant to spare sis feelings. I have begged for support but , very politely, I have been left to my own devices. No harm "intended" but just let the assumption that as the kids aren't in care things must be ok so "let sleeping dog lie".

I rang sis a long while ago and finished the call extremely upset, obviously distressed. did she call back ? text ? send a card ?? nope.#

I need my family to see just how distressed I am , how much I am hurting, making a "good show of it" has earned me nothing.

Now sis can chose to ignore me but in the full knowledge that I AM HURTING. not "oh I thought dizzy was fine, she never said anything"

Kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun Mon 03-Feb-14 22:08:28

But they are never going to see your point of view - no matter how much they should. I'm in a similar position, not as extreme. But I have given up on any family support for my problems (chronic illness in children).

No one can make this right. All you can do is change the way you think about it.

Get support from elsewhere, preferably in real life, and limit your time with your family.

You only get one life. Stop letting them ruin yours.

dizzycatdance Mon 03-Feb-14 22:08:51

hissy thank you for your post.
I am not a very nice person, both mine and dhs family cant all be wrong can they.

I think I am at the other side of a family going NC.

and like any narc I cant see it, even though Im trying to now I really am.

I just keep it all in and then just sometimes, so very little, I just end up SCREAMING in whatever way I can I AM HURTING , why cant anyone see.

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