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To not want my parents to pay for DD to go to private school

(53 Posts)
uptheauntie Mon 03-Feb-14 17:55:21

DD is 3. We have a great local primary school, which was one of the reasons we moved to the area. This is where we intend for her to go to primary school.

My parents are quite generous financially, but I wouldn't say I have the closest relationship with them and things can be quite difficult with my father. He is incapable of holding a calm, rational discussion about anything.

They have offered to pay for DD to go to private school. I politely declined, stating she will be going to the local primary and we may consider private for secondary schooling, but that is a matter for us. Fine. But they keep on offering. And I keep on politely declining. We could afford private if we wished (we are comfortable, but not rolling in it and some small sacrifices would need to be made), but I really don't think we need/want to send DD to private for primary when there is a really good small primary locally.

Part of my reason for declining is that I don't want my parents to think they have a state in my daughters education. It is for us, as her parents to deal with. Does that make sense? Given as my dad cannot calmly communicate, I just think it could be a disaster waiting to happen.

Anyway, AIBU? Am I cutting my nose of to spite my face? Sometimes I wonder if I should just shut up and accept the offer.

Sirzy Mon 03-Feb-14 17:56:53

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Your daughter and you (and your partner) make the decisions

uberalice Mon 03-Feb-14 17:57:03

YANBU. They are being control freaks.

uptheauntie Mon 03-Feb-14 17:58:47

And I meant 'stake in my daughters education', not state! Sorry

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 03-Feb-14 17:59:52

I wonder if you accepted they would then decide that they had a say in your DD's education. Do you really think they would just pay the money and step back?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 03-Feb-14 18:00:45

x post

You know them better than anyone - would they really step back

following Mon 03-Feb-14 18:02:55

you will never hear the end of it if you let them pay , if she does well in life all you will hear is how it was all down to them .

offblackeggshell Mon 03-Feb-14 18:03:29

We accepted help for fees from the in-laws for a short while. I found that though they never, ever asked more than doting grandparents would/should, I always felt I had to justify every single thing about her time there to them. Fortunately, a place came up at her chosen state school, and it was only for a short while. I was shocked at how much it had affected how I regarded both the (fabulous) private school, and my conversations with them though.

So, to get to the point, YANBU. smile

morethanpotatoprints Mon 03-Feb-14 18:04:25

I think you should decide for yourself as its your dc.

However, I would be thinking about any further children, having enough to save for them to also go to private secondary, as it is something you said you may consider.
Are you happy with the state system and how it is all changing, proposals etc?

I would think long and hard before refusing, that's not to say I think you should accept btw, just keep an open mind is my advice fwiw. smile

WelshMaenad Mon 03-Feb-14 18:04:36

YANBU. Just watch some Gilmore Girls. Whole basket o'trouble.

dontcallmemam Mon 03-Feb-14 18:08:26

YANBU. But perhaps they see it helping you. Could you ask if they'd like to pay for DD to learn to ride or something like that. Cue endless pics of DD looking sweet in a hacking jacket on a pony..

beachyhead Mon 03-Feb-14 18:10:01

I would ask them to put the £1,000 a month into an account for the benefit of your dd's 'education'. It could then be saved for amazing school trips, secondary school, uni or any life changing travelling she chooses to make.

You and your dd would obviously be in control of the use of the funds, but it may appease them a little. It also gives you a buffer if, for whatever reason, the chosen school doesn't work out.

GingerMaman Mon 03-Feb-14 18:12:11

Yanbu. If they keep insisting, how about telling them they could put it aside for her in her savings account, and she can have it at 18/20 to put a deposit on a house?

littlebluedog12 Mon 03-Feb-14 18:15:37

Could you direct their attention elsewhere- could they pay for her to have music lessons for example? We had a wealthy great aunt who offered to pay for me to go to private school, but only if I went to a particular girls school (the one she had gone to). My mum refused, and they fell out for a while, but she eventually offered to pay for me to have piano lessons, which was brilliant, I loved it.

blahblahblah2014 Mon 03-Feb-14 18:16:34

I would grab the offer with both hands!

MrsCampbellBlack Mon 03-Feb-14 18:20:11

YANBU to say no. I know plenty of families where this happens and its fine. But I've seen 2 cases where the children were pulled out because disagreements between parents/grandparents.

I wouldn't ask for money instead for anything else though.

Topseyt Mon 03-Feb-14 18:22:04

Your child, your rules, so don't let them control.

It does sound as if there would be dozens of strings attached here, so it can only go belly up. Keep declining.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 03-Feb-14 18:22:23


Yes. Disaster waiting to happen!!!!

Marylou2 Mon 03-Feb-14 18:25:54

Obviously it is your decision but I can't help feeling jealous of your predicament. If I were you I would grab the opportunity with both hands.

stealthsquiggle Mon 03-Feb-14 18:28:17

Our grandparents significantly contributed to my education and that of my two DBs. However, they would never, ever have interfered with my parents' decisions on schools, etc. If, as it seems, you have no confidence that this would be a similar "hands off" arrangements, then don't take the money at any stage - it would, indeed, be a disaster waiting to happen.

(and, even if you did think they would keep out of decisions, I see no reason why you would change your choice of school if you are happy with the one she is at. It's nice to be able to take money out of the equation when choosing the right school for your DC, but it sounds as though you did that anyway, and you have chosen, so that's that until the next decision point).

poshfrock Mon 03-Feb-14 18:29:23

Think about the practicalities before agreeing to anything. Are they likely to have lots of grandchildren for example? If so could they afford to privately educate all of them assuming they would want to treat them equally? Offering to pay for one child is something but when you suddenly have 8 (as my ILS do) then it becomes a lot less feasible. Think also about what would happen if they died or had to go into long term care before she finished her education. Would you be able to pick up the slack at short notice if the money was no longer available?
My father offered this when I had my DS (first grandchild). I refused for all the reasons given above. He now has 5 grandchildren and 2 of my siblings haven't even had kids yet! He hadn't really thought the consequences through and I couldn't imagine anything worse for my son than having to pull him out of school half way through his GCSES because granddad had died and the fees money had run out.

AnnaBegins Mon 03-Feb-14 18:29:51

YANBU and I would worry about them feeling they had control over her education. Had a friend in a similar situation whose partner's parents paid, dictated school choice and all activities choice. (Further rifts caused when friend and new DP couldn't afford to send second child to private school...)

Mintyy Mon 03-Feb-14 18:29:53


quietlysuggests Mon 03-Feb-14 18:33:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EirikurNoromaour Mon 03-Feb-14 18:36:52

My. GPs paid for me to go to private school then withdrew it after 2 years. My parents had to beg the school for a bursary or remove me. The GPs were controlling and manipulative and my parents wished they had not taken them up on it. They thought they were doing the right thing for my education but it could have been much more detrimental than going to the (perfectly good) comprehensive in the first place.

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