To have removed DD's things from her room?

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I will try not to drip feed but this may be long.

DD1 is 9. She is extremely bright, funny, helpful and polite. She is very mature for 9 too. But omg she is too laid back and has no respect for anything.

Every day her room is covered in her stuff. Nail varnish or lip balm on the wall, pen all over her bedding, 1 million bits of paper strewn across the carpet. Now I don't mind a bit of mess (she is only 9) but her carelessness is being taken to the extreme.

Every single thing she got for christmas is either broken or lost (I spent over £300) as she cannot look after it. I found her ds behind the chest of drawers, her hudl thrown on the floor not in it's case, her most treasured horse stable broken and drawn on.

I found 100 pens, hair bands, food wrappers, paper etc all stuffed down the side of her mattress. I found two plates I didn't even know she took up there.

I have tried everything. Rewarding her with pocket money, punishing her, heart to heart chats with her. She just will not listen, she does not care. I can see her blocking what I'm saying out! It is driving me mental.

Her dad have her £5 pocket money last weekend as she had been doing really well at school. I asked her to keep it in her purse or put it in her money box. Can she find it anywhere? Can she hell!

I bought her a beautiful horse jumper that she really wanted big I said it Was on the proviso that she looks after her clothes by putting the dirty ones in the basket in her room so I can wash them. She couldn't do it. I found numerous items in her bed, in the toy box, in her brothers room! So I've returned the jumper.

I said a few weeks ago if she couldn't look after her stuff I would remove all of her toys til she could. Cue last night, going in there and there were broken christmas presents on the floor. Obviously I had to follow through with what I said.

I went to bed feeling awful but I honestly do not know how to get her to listen to me

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

YANBU!!My room was a nightmare when I was a kid (messy, not broken stuff though) and after threatening to chuck it all out the window, I came home from school once to find the contents of my room all over the front lawn.

[GColdtimer]

YANBU at all. But how us she going to win it back? You need a plan to help her to learn consequences - goud and bad. How about she makes her bed for a few days she gets something back, clothes in the basket all week - something else back. Etc.

[Ledkr]

My dd is just 12 and the same. I simply cannot believe it.
I had 3 boys who weren't as bad.
I took her nail varnishes ages ago after I found it everywhere.
Every morning she leaves a trail of destruction in the bathroom and on the landing and the bathroom and bedroom lights on.
From today she is allowed no internet until theses things are tidied up,
It's a bloody nightmare.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

I am all for consequences and this one does not cause harm and itmis linked to the offence, so I think YANBU.

But it seems that you need a system. 9 is not that young in terms of taking care of one's possessions/room/walls. I think she is trying to get your attention.

Have you tried 1,2,3 Magic? I think they have lots on pre-teens.

[YouTheCat]

I was a messy child but I never broke and drew on my things. It's not so much the mess as the total lack of care.

I agree with clearing her room and she can earn things back. Good luck.

I am currently nagging my 19 year old to get off her bum and sort her mess out.

[FrenchJunebug]

you do not spend £300 on a 9 year old for xmas! I don't even spend this on myself.

[hollyhunter]

my dad black bin bagged all our toys and burned them on a bonfire with the 5 of us watching

all he achieved was to make us hate him

im 43 now and still the most untidy person i know. i think its part of your personality. sorry

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I'm so glad you have said IANBU. I felt awful last night thinking I'd been too harsh but I think at 9 she is old enough to take responsibility of her things.

I explained to her how I love to buy her things she really wants but I don't go to work to earn money to buy her things she simply will not look after. She begged me for a pair of gloves with diamonds on, promised she would look after them. Found one of them last night, no sign of the other

He room is totally empty except for some books and her furniture. All of her stuff is in my cupboard and I've said she can have it back when she listens to me.

Good idea about talking how to win it back. It was bedtime by the time I cleared her room so haven't discuses it yet but will have a talk after school. She was extremely good this morning

She is a great kid otherwise. Very rarely have to tell her off, she will help out round the house if I ask her. She's very good with her siblings. It's just this carelessness that drives me mad.

She is the same at school. She will do the minimum she can get away with, never puts in any extra effort to impress. She keeps moaning all of the other children have a pen licence. The only reason she doesn't is because of capital letters and full stops! And she is gifted and talented! I don't get it at all.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I agree that it is very much her personality. My sister is the same. But I am hoping I can change it even slightly?

And I say £300 for christmas. It would have been if it wasn't for sales, tesco vouchers and staff discount. More like half that but not the point.

[TeacupDrama]

untidy is one thing some people are naturally untidy but it's not so much the untidiness that is bugging the OP but the broken lost and destructive nature of her behaviour and the cheekiness of ignoring not listening to her mother

breaking things and writing on walls and bedding with pens and nail varnish is destructive and not an accident unless the are real issues I would not tolerate the breaking things i think confiscate the hudl for at least 2 weeks remove good horse jumper and the toys the £5 reward obviously is not replaced remove all pens and markers from bedroom

first she will need to earn them back and for a while pens drawing etc will need to be done downstairs then maybe if she gets home at 3.30pm there could be room inspection if ok then there is screen time if not there is none ( could be moderated if passes first time 1 hour if tidy after a warning and 30 minutes then 30 minutes screen if astill a mess then none)

[JassyRadlett]

I think some people are naturally more untidy than others. But using that as an excuse not to learn tidier behaviours is a cop-out. It's akin to saying that shy children shouldn't/can't learn behaviours and strategies to help them socially, or that naturally volatile people shouldn't develop strategies to help them control their tempers.

I'm naturally quite untidy/messy/lazy. My parents did their best, but I actually wish they'd been a bit stricter and more consistent when I was younger as I found it really tough in my 20s in particular. I've developed better habits now, especially since having a child, but it was hard work. I'm still a long way from perfect and there is a frantic tidy-up for the cleaner each week, but while you may be less tidy by personality, the way you behave is in your control and I think you can make your child's path as an adult a lot easier by thoughtful parenting now.

[TeacupDrama]

if her sister is the same they will both need same rules though if her sister much younger may need some extra allowances

do not replace stuff she breaks

[JassyRadlett]

Goats, reaading your followup posts it feels like your daughter is me at age 9. Keep doing what youre doing.

[Thetallesttower]

I think 9 is a bit young to have complete responsibility for your room, especially if you haven't been trained in good habits earlier on (or you are just a messy person).

Could you help her tidy it up, find a place for everything, and then supervise a quick 10 min tidy before bed every evening, just to get her out of the habit of throwing stuff around.

I'm not sure if the writing on the walls/pens on the beds is deliberate but the easy answer is to have no pens in bedrooms- only on the kitchen table.

Sorry if this sounds a bit mean, but I do wonder how it got to this state without you noticing, or were you just hoping she would clean up? I think she needs help in learning how to be tidy, not just punishment.

If she then chooses to trash her room when older, fine, but I would set your ground rules (no food in bedrooms) and enforce more often- those 100s of pieces of paper/drawing/dishes didn't get there on one day and my guess is she was overwhelmed or doesn't care- so you need to make her care!

[educatingarti]

She may need some guidance and support on how to look after her stuff. EG - gloves always go in this basket/drawer in the hall/bedroom.
I agree with some sytem of starting to let her earn the things back. No excuse though for drawing on walls/bedding etc

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

TeaCup it's my sister who is the same. She is 18 and probably the most disorganised person I know. But the my mother never had any rules for her so I can't blame her as such.

Jassy, please tell me you changed at least a bit? Did anything get through to you at all? I can be talking to her about this and I can see her mind is elsewhere before I've even finished! She just does not care.

I don't think it's an attention thing, possibly a boredom problem? She does go to after school clubs, brownies and swimming but she is 5 years older than ds and 7 older than dd2 so she doesn't really play with them.

I just don't want it to be 10 times worse when she is a teenager, I've heard they are difficult enough as it is

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Goats - I was a messy sod when younger but am now really tidy and cannot abide mess - there is hope for your daughter.

With me it was just laziness I think and knowing that I could get away with it.....until mum chucked my stuff out the window. She was a great poet and once wrote me a fantastic poem (which I still have to this day) begging me to keep my room tidy.

I was still messy as a teen though so maybe you arent out of the woods just yet. One day though, one day............ :)

[Chivetalking]

I'd clear the lot and let her earn it back bit by bit but make her ask for the nail varnish and do whatever she needs to do with pens at a table downstairs.

If this lack of respect has been an ongoing thing why on earth are you still buying expensive shiz that's going to get ruined?

I'd stick the money in a savings account until she proves she can look after what she has.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I go in there and sort it every week which I think adds to the problem because she knows I will do it. I think her room sounds worse than it actually is, it's not totally trashed.

She knows she has a basket for dirty washing. I bought her two storage boxes, one is for books and the other dolls etc. she has a plastic box for pens, paper, craft things. Believe me she does know, I've lost count the number of times I have gone through it with her. But she can't even put a DVD back in it's box after she has watched it let alone put stuff away after she has used it.

All three dc's are only allowed pens at the kitchen table but she sneaks them up there when I am not looking.

[kali110]

I was untidy and still am, but would never break things ans dared write on walls etc! Def do not think yabu.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

If you didnt go in there and do it for her do you think she would cave and do it herself?

Maybe take the expensive stuff like the Hudl and the DS and then leave her to it and keep the door shut so you don't have to go past and see it?

My sister has 2 boys and their room is awful, you need to make sure you have shoes on in there or face being crippled my standing on all the lego - how they sleep in there is beyond me.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Chive don't worry I have already told her I won't be buying her anything til she can show me a bit of respect for her things. She agreed that it wasn't fair for me to spend money on stuff she will break or lose, she understood it was wrong she just isn't bothered.

I gave her a week to make sure every bit of dirty washing was put in the basket and that her school uniform was folded and put on her desk instead of on the floor in a heap. That's all I asked. I said she could have horse jumper she wanted then because I could see she would take care of it. 2 days later I find tights, socks, a jacket and a onesie in her bed. 2 odd socks in the toy box and her uniform thrown on the floor. She was really upset when I took it back but I don't see how else she will learn. Her room isn't even that big, it's not like she had to go really far to put clothes in the basket

In contrast, 3 year old ds just asked if he could vacuum his room.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Taking the hudl or ds isn't a punishment to her either because she very very rarely uses them, perhaps once a month. She's much more a book, pen and paper kind of girl. She wouldn't care if I threw them in the bin.

[TeacupDrama]

you need to find something she does care about being confiscated
if necessary go the the extreme of removing everything but bed schhol uniform pyjamas and 1 set of after school clothes which you choose
no tv no phone no games on any device grounded whatever
but being cheeky disobeying ( taking pens upstairs) writing on sheets.walls etc is not acceptable
iwould be more lenient about stuff just on floor instead of neatly folded

[JassyRadlett]

I did! And I think I was actually a bit better as a teenager though I still found my 20s tough. I think my parents were a bit inconsistent about it really - I'm the eldest of three and I think it was a 'least of their worries' issue.

I would work out what your levers are - what will influence her to change her behaviour? What does she really care about? - and apply those consistently. If she has no reason to do it because you sort out her room - stop. Make goes incredibly specific and short term, with immediate consequences for not doing, but immediate benefits for following through.

One thing my mother instituted that worked really well with behaviour change across the board was a points chart. We didn't get pocket money, we had to earn it through jobs. Making your bed was 10 points each time, and for different ages points were differentiated (eg 5 year old got points for taking plate to kitchen after dinner, etc). Bigger points value for bigger / 'off schedule' jobs such as hoovering the living room.

When you got to 1000 points, you got X amount of money (reflecting the amount of time it took to get to 1000 points and how much pocket money we would have got otherwise).

It got madly competitive between the three of us, but jobs got done and good habits instilled. I think it was the single best idea my parents had to embed the idea that you didn't get money just for sitting around, and you had responsibilities to your family and your environment.