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AIBU to tell Exdp he sees all dc or none of the dc's?

(78 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Mon 03-Feb-14 00:39:53

Very briefly Exdp left in December. We'd been together 14 years. Dd12, ds 8, Ds5 & baby due last week.

He's been in Scotland since Christmas. He's not spoken to dc or seen them. He wouldn't give me any money. Paid January's mortgage payment & made it very clear he would be unable to make any further financial contribution. He's self employed & not worked since he went to Scotland so CSA unable to help.

He contacted me via email tonight to see why I haven't informed him of the birth...I'm 6 days over due. Very unusual for me. He thinks I'm lying. He told me he wants to see Dd12 & Ds5. Ds 8 has ASD& ADHD. Ds5 is being assessed for ASD but Exdp doesn't acknowledge his difficulties. He doesn't want to have contact with ds8 or the baby. This baby was planned.

He expects me to put Dd12 & Ds5 on a train in the February half term by themselves & travel from London to Scotland- oh & I will have to pay!

So aibu to tell him you see all the dc or none of the dc?

Do I deny the 2 dc he wants to see the opportunity of a relationship with their father?

Aibu for shaking with anger as I'm 40+6 weeks pregnant. Single parent of 4 dc. 2 ds with SNS. Going back to work at 6 weeks so I can pay the mortgage. Absolutely skint. Giving birth by myself...

Its not about me, I know that but I'm fucking angry. I've no perspective of my situation. Aibu or do i shut up & take what he's offered the 2 dc?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 03-Feb-14 00:42:15

Tell him to shove it.

So sorry you're in this situation, hope all goes well with the birth thanks

Summerblaze Mon 03-Feb-14 00:43:40

Why not Ds8. Is it because he has SN. Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, then fuck off some more. HTH.

phoolani Mon 03-Feb-14 00:46:31

What summerblaze said. With some extra fucks.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 03-Feb-14 00:47:20

all you have to do is make the children availble for contact. up to him to get his sorry arse down to you and see them.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 03-Feb-14 00:47:21

Yes. Ds8 wouldn't cope with travelling on a train with an adult- let alone by himself! Ds has no real relationship with his dad. Exdp couldn't cope with ds. Don't get me wrong ds is very difficult. Special school etc but I learnt to understand him.

Exdp says he doesn't want a relationship with the baby as he doesn't feel any connection with her.

Only1scoop Mon 03-Feb-14 00:47:33

Shelly that must hurt like hell....couldn't imagine a father being so selective....sounds like you have enough on your plate without him and his requirements hmm

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 03-Feb-14 00:48:14

Ask him how he wants his 'no' - with a side order of vomiting in disgust, or would he rather you donned some plastic gloves and deleted his email (wouldn't want to come into contact with something nasty by touching anything to do with him).

You are right, all or none. Hope for their sake it's none.

I have no words for him and only congratulations for you that you don't live with this shitscrape any more.

Solicitor? I probably wouldn't even bother to reply to his email tbh. Who is he, anyway? Not a dad...

So sorry for what you're going through. Whereabouts are you? Do you have support at home at all?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 03-Feb-14 00:48:22

Oh he's had open access to all the dc since he left. He's chosen not to visit, call, Skype etc.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 03-Feb-14 00:51:37

Or just reply to the email with:

'How nice to hear from you, thought you had forgotten that you are a father. Before we discuss when you night visit, here are the more urgent issues facing your children- eating, clothing, heating, lighting. I enclose copies of bills for the materials keeping your children alive. How do you wish to pay your share?'

Shellywelly1973 Mon 03-Feb-14 00:51:45

I don't want dd to think i denied her the opportunity of a relationship with her father.

Grrrit's so difficult & annoying... Bastard, he doesn't give a shit dd needs a new coat & shoes. He wants to play Disney Dad!

EEatingSoupForLunch Mon 03-Feb-14 00:52:21

At the moment just say no, not doing that, and then ignore him. You have to focus on yourself and the birth at the moment, it's not surprising you are overdue with all that going on! Take some time to relax as much as you can.

Once the birth is out of the way, get the CSA onto your Ex for payments. Then tell him if he wants to see the DCs, he has to come and see them; travelling alone to Scotland even for the eldest is not on. And if he is seeing them, it's all of them - don't allow him to pick and choose, that would be awful for the self esteem of your 8 year old, and divisive for your family.

If he chooses not to, it's hard to see that your DCs will be worse off. What a cock. thanks for you, and very best wishes for the birth.

Summerblaze Mon 03-Feb-14 00:59:59

My DS (6) has mild SN but i wouldnt trust him on a train by himself. That said, if my DH said he wanted a relationship with DD (10) and DS (2) i would tell him to knob off.

hoppingmad Mon 03-Feb-14 01:01:11

They are far too young to make that trip, it isn't fair for the 12yr old to be responsible for the 5yr old. It's also outrageous for him to pick half of his children.
If he wants to see his dc's then he needs to come and see them, they have enough to deal with. Parents separating, SN's and a new baby - no court would insist they travel hundreds of miles for a visit with the nrp.
I guarantee he won't take you to court. Any man who rejects some children, ignores his financial obligations and makes no real effort to see the children he 'wants' is not going to pay court costs.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What an absolute prick (I also have an ex who couldn't handle dc's SN's)

Jinsei Mon 03-Feb-14 01:06:00

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I don't really have any advice, but of course yanbu. I hope the birth of your daughter goes well. Is there someone else who can be around to support you?

IRCL Mon 03-Feb-14 01:51:56


what an arsehole.

if he hasn't worked since being in Scotland how is he living?

I am dumbfounded that a parent could have such an abhorrent attitude.shock

have you got any support in real life?

bragmatic Mon 03-Feb-14 02:11:47

No. One in, all in. And he can come to you. I'd go to no expense whatsoever if he wasn't contributing financially.

needaholidaynow Mon 03-Feb-14 02:17:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMow Mon 03-Feb-14 02:21:21

Nope. It's a complete answer . And the CSA are there for a reason... Though mostly shit.

I would email back, stating that skype contact will be available between Xpm and Ypm, Wednesday only. All 3 DC's will be available for contact, to be picked up at your address, every other weekend. Explain it is not suitable for DC's of these ages to travel unaccompanied. Either all DC's or none. These are the agreed terms.

Also send a separate email asking what his plans for paying maintenance are, explaining that your DD needs shoes and coat. Would he please be able to supply half the cost of these items in lieu of maintenance.

Print out emails. Keep them in a hidden folder.

And what an utter CUNT. I don't often say that, but fucking HELL. He 'doesn't want a relationship with the baby'?! He can ignore his 8yo?! He is burying his head in the sand about your 5yo's issues?!

ElenorRigby Mon 03-Feb-14 07:14:30

Fucking hell, unbelievable. angry

A decent father would fight hell and high water to see their children.

Do not facilitate in any way but to make them available for contact at your home. Do not make THAT precedent. HE should be doing all the leg work himself and NOT making demands on his heavily pregnant wife.

As for picking and choosing which children he wants to see, words fail me angry

Morgause Mon 03-Feb-14 07:17:55

YANBU - much too far for any of your DCs to travel unescorted. He moved away, his choice. If he wants to see them he travels to them at his expense.

Purplepoodle Mon 03-Feb-14 07:25:24

I'm lost for words at his behaviour.

I think I would play him I at his own game. I wouldn't say an outright no. I would be saying that I didn't think its appropriate for our children to travel alone on the train and if he want to come and collect them then you would be open to discuss that. I would also be expressing that unfortunately you won't be able to help him with the travel costs as he requested as you are struggling yourself financially. He sounds such a flake that it's never going to happen.

I would be talking to your 12 year old and find out what she wants. Does she want to visit her dad? Ect

WanderingAway Mon 03-Feb-14 07:31:11

I do that journey a lot & i would not let my child to do it themselves.

Tell him to fuck off.

You cant pick & choose which children you want to see.

AliceInSandwichLand Mon 03-Feb-14 07:44:54

Agree with everything purplepoodle said - I would think the 12 year old is old enough to know whether she wants to stay in contact with him, but no way should she be carting just one brother up to Scotland - pointing out that you are in financial difficulties too sounds sensible to me. What a nasty man.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 03-Feb-14 07:51:14

No, no, no. That can be a very busy route. Not to mention on occasion quite rowdy, the few times I have got a train this route I have got on with a bunch a off-shore workers. It was great fun they got us drunk and we had a great laugh, I'm 25 though. Not a place for a child. Also absolutely no way would I be paying to facilitate his access.

On the grounds of above and the fact he is cherry picking his children I would tell him to fuck right off.

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