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HELP!! Still struggling a lot every day.

(44 Posts)
NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 11:11:02

I know no one has any definitive answers, but any advice on how to get through this would be appreciated. I don't even know what I am asking for tbh, some support maybe?

I have no one I can talk to IRL.

I have written about this before so hope I am not boring anyone, but I feel so desperate, and it's been such a long time and nothing is changing and I don't really know how much longer I can keep going. sad

DS stopped having anything to do with me last year, it was sudden, I don't know what triggered it, he refuses to engage with me at any level. The situation has not improved at any time since he chose to cut me off.
I have spent days, weeks, hours of my life thinking about what possible reasons why he chose to cut me out and have come up with nothing. I know some of you may find that difficult to understand because believe me, I find it impossible to understand.

I find myself mulling over it a lot, every day, multiple times a day. I try to put it out of my mind but it creeps back in.

I feel like I am being punished for a crime that I have no idea I have committed. I don't understand what makes a person treat another person this way.

I know there is nothing I can do, well I can't seem to think of anything I can do to make any progress, except I am finding it intolerable to live this way, I am finding it impossible to live with this situation.

I wonder if I would feel any better if I even knew why, maybe I wouldn't. All I know is that I am really struggling to get through each day, and it isn't getting any easier. I lurch from feeling utterly bereft to feeling so very angry, to feeling desperate to understand.

I wish I could go to sleep for a very long time. sad

How do I reconcile with this? I have taken a step back whilst letting DS know I am here, ready to listen when he is ready to talk, but he is no nearer talking than he was when he first cut me off.

I have not seen his face or heard his voice in over 6 months now exceot on videos I have stored on my phone and photo's I have in my house.

How do I accept that I am quite possibly never going to see or speak to him again??

His anger towards me has not diluted in over 6 months, and the gap between us just gets wider and wider.

I think I have lost the relationship we had forever, and I don't know how to live with that. sad

RedHelenB Sun 02-Feb-14 11:13:20

Has he got a girlfriend/boyfriend?

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 02-Feb-14 11:14:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RedHelenB Sun 02-Feb-14 11:14:33

Most family cut offs that I know about occur due to them getting partners that don't want them to have contact with their family, if there is no other obvious cause.

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 11:19:27

No partner AFAIK.
His father has not been on the scene, and although there was a period of contact when DS was 11 - 13 years old, he has only seen his father once since then (mutual decision) and spoken to him on the phone on a handful of occasions.
I have spoken to a couple of people since DS cut me off, and none of them claim to know why he has cut me off. He wont tell them either.

I honestly thought I would have more of an idea of why this has happened by now, but I have no idea still. I am as informed as I was when it first happened.

heatseeker Sun 02-Feb-14 11:20:05

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. How old is your DS? I am assuming this is due to family break up and that he no longer lives with you?

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 11:30:53

DS is 22. I was a single parent to him. He does not live with me now. He hasn't lived with me for about 21 months. He cut me off about 10 months ago.

I am frightened of this happening again with my youngest DC. If I was such an awful mother, without knowing what I have done that was so bad, how do I know I wont do it again, that my youngest wont suddenly discover what a terrible parent I am and cut me off too when they are old enough to leave home?

This has shook every fibre of confidence I had as a parent and I am not sure I even know how to parent anymore. sad

TiredFeet Sun 02-Feb-14 11:39:42

That sounds unbearably tough.
Are you sure its because he's angry with you and not for some other reason? (Just thinking it could be because he's ashamed of something he's done or similar)

(My sibling disappeared at 20 for over 4 months, just one postcard to say they were ok. It wasn't anger with my parents but shame that they were struggling too much with their degree and they didn't know how to admit that.)

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 11:50:21

Yes, he is angry with me. He has told people I gave him a rubbish childhood, that I have done unspeakable things to him, that he cannot explain what they were because it would give people mental health problems to hear what it was. confused

I honestly cannot think of what these things could be. He blames me for his life up until the point of cut off being shit. I never knew his life was that shit, I never thought of his life as shit.

He has had his problems but imo he has not had a bad life. I have supported him in as many ways as I know how throughout his life, and I don't know how I could have done any more or any different, but if he were to just tell me, I would try to put it right if I can, he obviously thinks his life was different to how I see it, and I am happy to listen to him if he would just spare me 2 minutes of his time, but he wont.

No one I have spoken to can understand what his problem is.

It is unbearable and becoming more so every single day. sad

makesamesswhenstressed Sun 02-Feb-14 11:56:55

Have you tried writing him a letter saying any of those things?

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 12:11:42

Not tried that makesamesswhenstressed. I have texted him a number of times and tried to phone him.
I changed my phone number a while back and the next time I tried ringing him, he answered, and as soon as I heard his voice, I began crying, even though I bloody did not want to, angry at myself for that. And I said 'DS, it's me, mum, can you please just listen to me for 1 minute.' He said 'No.'
I then said 'Ok, I will listen to you for 1 minute while you talk.'
He said 'No.' and hung up.

I have texted him a few times but there is never a reply, even though I know it is the right number and he receives these texts.

I know where he works and where he drinks, but I don't want to make a bad situation worse so I drive past and cry instead. sad

Hissy Sun 02-Feb-14 12:30:34

I can't imagine your pain. I'm at a loss as to what to say, but wanted you to know that I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it and resolve things.

makesamesswhenstressed Sun 02-Feb-14 12:32:47

I think a letter will be less emotional so you can just say that he'll always be your son, you will always be there to listen to and support him and you really want to fix things, so if he can let you know what you can do to start that process then you're ready and willing to listen.

Knotter Sun 02-Feb-14 12:49:34

This must be very painful, I am so sorry. I know that it is not comparable as it is fiction, but I saw a TV drama recently where the son did the same to his mother. In his case it was more about the son having many traumas and upheavals in his current life which he felt his mother would not understand, so he dealt with it by cutting her off and not telling her. I wonder if there is something else going on in your son's life that has badly affected him? I can see it is really difficult for you to find out, do you speak to any of his friends? What you are doing must be right, just keep letting him know you are there for him. A letter would be a good thing, I think. I really hope he eventually comes back to you.

ADishBestEatenCold Sun 02-Feb-14 13:04:10

Long post, sorry.

I hope it's okay, *NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 *I have had a (very quick) skim through your old thread, to see if I could better understand what you are going through. First of all can I say that I am very sorry you feel so desperate. Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL?

It sounds as if the background to this situation has been building for 6 or more years, that for the early years it was just you and your DS, but since his mid-teens several people have had input and influence upon your DS's development, possibly to the point of manipulation. Also that since the age of 16 your DS has moved back and forth between homes, including yours, your mother's and a friend's (is now back living with your mother) and in that time, for a variety of reasons, your relationship with your DS has become further and further eroded. Have I got the gist of it?

In your post, it seems that your main concern is that your DS is no longer speaking to you and wants nothing more to do with you.
You say "I have spent days, weeks, hours of my life thinking about what possible reasons why he chose to cut me out and have come up with nothing. I know some of you may find that difficult to understand because believe me, I find it impossible to understand" but, looking at your previous thread, that just can't be true, can it?
In your previous thread, you wrote at length about such things as your mother's vendetta against your new partner when your DS was in his teens; serious allegations about my partner, reported by your sister, which almost saw your DS removed from your care; breakdown in relationship between you and your mother/sister; you and your DP having a baby, a first sibling for your DS; your mother supporting your son through indulgence, including allowing alcohol, tobacco and inappropriate friendships; your DS moving in and out of various homes; your DS being involved in drug abuse; you and your DP separating. It goes on and on.

You have been to hell and back, OP. You sound distressed and lost, to say the least. Yet you cannot think of any possible reasons for your DS to cut you out like this? If you are distressed and lost, can you not visualise that your DS is, too? That you weren't the only one going to hell and back?

I am not trying to be hard on you here, OP. Not blaming you. I haven't reiterated your earlier thread to distress you. In fact for what it's worth, looking at the history, I would say there is a very strong chance that your DS will again 'ricochet' back to you (before he yet again 'ricochet's somewhere else) BUT I think the only way that could ever be a good thing is if you are strong enough to deal with it!

Am I making sense. You will be of no help to your son until you manage to gain some strength, some direction and, hopefully, some insight into what has gone before. You need to be not only strong enough to support your DS, but also to establish your own equilibrium in all this and, especially, to also bring up and support your younger DC (maybe 6 years old?).

You sound to me not just desperate, NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2, but also depressed and unable to cope, so do you think it might be good to start things off by talking about this in RL? Go to the doctor and ask for counselling?

What do you think?

DragonMamma Sun 02-Feb-14 13:06:56

It's very hard OP, my brother cut our entire family off 3 years ago because of some minor disagreement with me and my DM.

My DM is absolutely heartbroken even now, she's written countless letters as he's changed his number and they all go unanswered. We have no idea why he's cut everybody off, even my dear grandparents, and he refuses to engage with anybody when they ask him about it (mainly my father, who is divorced from my DM) but I think it's largely centred around his wife not wanting him to have anything to do with us.

I can't offer any practical solutions, as I said, my DM is heartbroken about it as it means she's has no contact with his child either. It does consume less of her thoughts than it did previously, I think she's hardening to it because she's realised that despite this small disagreement, she gave him everything she could and we had a fabulous childhood so he's just clearly a cruel, horrible man to cut everybody off so abruptly.

Marn1e Sun 02-Feb-14 13:11:31

Does have mental health issues? This could be clouding his judgement.

If you were not an abusive parent who treated him cruelly then the fault of this lies with him. He's an adult and he's choosing to give you no explanation as to why he is not talking to you. That's cruel.

As he's your son I would give this one last shot in the form of a factual letter. State that your door is always open. Add all contact details. Say you welcome contact from him at any time and you would be happy to discuss anything with him.

And then I think you must leave it. I feel for you so much but you must find a way to put this to rest in your mind. Knowing you have done all you can and then followed it up with an invitation to talk at any time would be the right thing to do

ADishBestEatenCold Sun 02-Feb-14 13:11:55

(Sorry, couple of typos in my earlier post. Copied and pasted without checking that I had changed things like 'my' to 'your', etc.)

Marn1e Sun 02-Feb-14 13:14:55

Ah! I missed your previous thread. For him to have been almost removed from your care indicates he may have some valid reasons to feel so aggrieved.

My advice changes just a little. Write a factual letter but include a heartfelt apology. Ask him to consider allowing you to build the tiniest of bridges. And acknowledge your part in this. The list of things he seems to have gone through - based on your previous thread - will have left their mark and you must acknowledge that you understand this instead of saying ' I've honestly done nothing'

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 14:11:49

Thank you for all of the replies.

The other thread which ADishBestEatenCold refers to is this one.

I did go into much more detail on there if anyone wants to read it. I am just too tired to write it all out again, so apologies for that.

I am increasingly unable to cope, which affects my younger DC, and yes, I am very depressed. I have been to the dr's who prescribed me antidepressants whilst stressing that this is not a long term solution and that I need to resolve the issues with DS, but I cannot do that on my own if he wont talk. sad
And of course, no one can make him talk and I am not sure I would want him to attempt to resolve this issue under any duress even if that were possible.

I have gone over it again and again in my mind and maybe I just don't see it, which is why I threw it out here I suppose, but I don't really see how DS has had things so bad, really I don't. I am possibly deluding myself here, so feel free to say so, but the only way I think I could've done things differently so DS would have been happier would have been if I had remained single and not had my younger DC. I admit that DS prefers me all to himself, he has previously dictated that he does not want certain friends of mine to visit because he does not like them, for example.

I really don't see how DS choosing to move out because he was asked to scrape his own dinner plate and didn't want to do that as being put through hell?
I am obviously looking at this from a completely wrong angle. confused.

My mother and my sister have used DS to manipulate me into doing what they wanted me to do and unfortunately DS believed them and listened to them. sad

DragonMamma I'm so sorry to hear your mother is going through this too. I am afraid that if too much time passes, it will be too late to have any sort of meaningful relationship with DS again. How do I resign myself to never having him in my life again? Has your mother got to that point? Is it easier when you reach that point?

Marn1e DS has had MH issues, mainly anxiety and depression, which he apparently no longer suffers from. He told a friend he was much happier now and that his life had turned around since he cut me off, yet still he wont say why?'
He was almost removed from my care because my sister rang his school to make serious unfounded and completely untrue allegations about my then partner. Due to the nature of the allegations, the school were duty bound to inform SS and remove DS from my care until investigations were completed, which would have proved the allegations to be malicious and untrue, but as the school explained to me, how long it would take to do the investigations would determine how long DS remained in LA care, and could be a considerable time because the wheels at SS move slowly.
DS was never removed from my care, nor was he ever in any sort of dangerous situation. Ever!!

I have also apologised to DS for whatever has upset him, many times, but still no response. I will happily apologise again and again if it will make even the slightest difference.

Seriously though, what has DS gone through at my hands?

He had no idea my sister phoned school about him, he discovered at 16 that if he didn't like something, he could pick the phone up and be whisked away to a luxurious retreat until he felt like he wanted to come back, it has all been on DS's terms since he was 16.

I am still as confused as to how much more I can do. confused

I have spent the best part of a year trying to put this to rest in my mind, but I cannot do it, God knows I have tried and am still trying.

What am I missing??

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 14:23:50

I am sorely tempted to drive my younger DC to xp's and stop inflicting my shitty parenting onto any other DC. sad
That is how awful I feel.

I keep reminding myself that it is the depression making me think this way, but ffs, what a horrid life for my younger DC, to live with me when I am so down and upset most of the time.

Younger DC deserves more than that, yet I can't pull myself out of this.

It seems no matter what I do, it is not right. I am not allowed to have a life of my own, because if I have any me time, it upsets my DC, I don't have a relationship, or friends, because I don't want to upset my DC again and have them cut me off, I just spend my days indulging my DC's and being sad and working the rest of the time.

I am officially a shit parent and like I said before, I should not have had DC, but I did, and I cannot change that. I can only work with what I have now.

A DS who refuses to have anything to do with me, and a younger DC who will probably grow up to hate me too no matter what I do. sad

I don't actually feel like anything I do makes a positive difference.

NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2 Sun 02-Feb-14 14:29:34

If your DC came to you and said 'If you do not live the way I want you to, then I will leave, and never speak to you or see you again.' that is a pretty powerful way to get what you want from your parents.

What if you knew your DC would and could do this? What if you knew there was somewhere they could go where you would not be able to see or speak to them again?

What if you knew your DC would go through with it? Would you stand your ground and watch them go?

I indulged him for a while, then I stood my ground and watched DS walk away. Now I have lost him forever. sad

I cannot live with that. I just can't.

ADishBestEatenCold Sun 02-Feb-14 14:57:00

Am just about to go out, so will come back to this NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2, but I didn't want to read and run.

Just wanted to take a moment to say you sound so sad and alone, I'm sorry.

Also, you are not a shitty parent, so just dump that thought of being "sorely tempted to drive my younger DC to xp's".

Finally, yes, maybe you are "looking at this from a completely wrong angle" but it so hard not to keep raking over the coals and re-hashing the past, when the past is all you've got.
The 'right angle' is forward and you cannot do that alone. Your GP is correct (I believe) in saying that antidepressants alone are not the solution, but is totally wrong (I believe) in then leaving you to deal with these issues alone.
I think you should go back to your GP and tell him/her you are still not coping, in fact your condition and the situation are further deteriorated and you need further help. Please to immediately refer you for counselling.

I've got to go, so all for the moment. I'll pop back later. Try and have a good afternoon with your youngest DC. smile

Marn1e Sun 02-Feb-14 15:01:17

but you have to live with it because you have other children who rely on you be a parent.

maybe see your doctor again and explore ways on how to reach your own resolution on this. your own piece of mind. that will only come when you can accept what's happened and maybe after writing one final unemotional but nice letter to your son.

if you had a good relationship in the past then this can be again in the future but you must allow him to do what he obviously feels he needs to right now.

work on feeling better in yourself. you can do it but you need to break.this down into bite size chunks and tackle one at a time

Marn1e Sun 02-Feb-14 15:02:47

and no, I wouldn't be held to ransom by my kids in the way you describe. providing I was giving them a stable.home then I wouldn't be changing things to suit them although this depends on the way I was living if you see what I mean?

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