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Need advise on how to handle mother/daughter issue

(99 Posts)
Peggie157 Sun 02-Feb-14 11:03:20

My 16 yr old daughter's got her first boyfriend, they've been seeing each other 4 months. They're at the same college and see each other a couple of evenings week. They live 20 miles apart, if he comes to our home I usually drive him home, buses stop at 8.45pm, and if she's at his, she gets the bus home which takes over an hour - she's done this twice and the rest of the times I've picked her up. My husband, her step dad was annoyed that when she first got the bus home he didn't even go to the bus station with her, but I've always stood on my own two feet and have taught the girls to do the same (first time married at 50).

I feel I have a good relationship with my daughters, I'm open with them and discuss, I think, all things and when she first asked to bring a friend home, and it was a boy we had a discussion about long term relations and what I perceived boys were like and that they had a very precious jewel that some, not all, boys were very keen to take, and that sex was sex but with the right special person it's love. There's no need to rush into things they have loads of years to go grown up things. Even mentioned contraception and what options there are available.

Several times when her boyfriend has been at our home she's asked if here can stay over, 'he'll sleep on the sofa' I've said no and he can stay later and I'll take home home - have to say at this point he is a very nice young man. Over the Christmas period my younger daughter read some messages between her sister and the boyfriend and came to me crying and upset at the content. I told my sixteen yr old that I was sorry and I'd seen the messages and was concerned, he'd mentioned 'when you going on the pill' and 'I've seen you naked'. She explained them away and I want to believe her.

She's asked on several occasions if he can stay over and I've said no.

Yesterday she asked if she can stay at his house, I asked were was she sleeping, and he has a king bed. His parents obviously have said yes and she tells me she is not going to be having sex, wrong time of the month! Did Tell her that won't stop some guys but she is insistent that there relationship is not at that level.

Tried a bit of emotional black mail this morning and sent this message:-
Morning, I didn't sleep well last night,! I love my baby and I want to protect her, as her mummy I don't think letting her stay at Ben's is this best thing and certainly not what a good mummy would do. I want to cry, if I cry will you not stay sadPlease I love you and trying to make you happy is making me sad sad I can pic you up very late smile x
Her reply
A) protect me from what?!
B) how is it not the "best thing"?
C) how is it not what a "good mummy" would do? Surely a good mum lets her children learn from their own mistakes?, unlike heathers mum.
D) it's also making me sad you saying no.
E) I'm 16 and you're treating me like I'm 12... do you not realise that ? sad

How do I answer this?

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA Sun 02-Feb-14 11:05:37

That message you sent, honestly is weird.

piratecat Sun 02-Feb-14 11:07:13

i was ok till i got to the last bit.

omg, what the hell are you doing sending her that sort of crap.

Let her stay at Bens. She's having sex, she's 16.

ashtrayheart Sun 02-Feb-14 11:07:38

Is this a wind up?confused

gordyslovesheep Sun 02-Feb-14 11:07:50

sorry my lovely daughter, I need to stop controlling you and trust that I have raised you to make good choices - you are 16, legally able to have sex and I will butt out?

Tweenangst Sun 02-Feb-14 11:08:31

Your daughters response was much more mature than your original message.

thornrose Sun 02-Feb-14 11:09:14

That message is seriously odd, sorry to be so blunt!

headlesslambrini Sun 02-Feb-14 11:09:34

Yr daughter is 16 not 3! Why are you calling yourself mummy?

LIZS Sun 02-Feb-14 11:09:47

confused . If she stayed last night isn't this all a bit late and weird. If not have you not seen her since her request ? Had you had a drink before sending that message ?

DarlingGrace Sun 02-Feb-14 11:10:05

I'm always in favour of the 'my house my rules' thing. If it makes you uncomfortable then don't let him stay over in her bed let him kip on the sofa etc. You are very naïve if you don't think they are DTD somewhere.

I'd be more concerned about the younger sister snooping on messages, crying, and running tittle tattling to drop her sister in the mire TBH. That's such a serious breach of trust..

I second that your text message is odd.

annieorangutan Sun 02-Feb-14 11:12:48

I think its very surprising shes 16 and been with him 4 months and not done it yet. I think you are acting very crazy.

CrabbyWinterBottom Sun 02-Feb-14 11:13:17

Good grief what on earth were you thinking sending her that message? shock Is that how you usually treat her and talk to her? confused

EllaFitzgerald Sun 02-Feb-14 11:14:08

She's going to have sex at some point and you need to appreciate that she's being quite honest and open with you and that the texts your other daughter read suggest that she's being sensible about contraception.

I think I'd be thanking my lucky stars that she's seeing a nice boy and that she's safe in his parents home, rather than out God knows where doing God knows what.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 11:14:37

I agree that the text message you sent sounds like that of a teenager and hers one of a sensible adult. She handled your emotional blackmail in exactly the right way and I'm sure she'd do the same if her boyfriend tried it too.

ashtrayheart Sun 02-Feb-14 11:14:39

Btw teenagers do have sex in the daytime and don't have to be sleeping over in the same bed to do it.

oldgrandmama Sun 02-Feb-14 11:14:44

Agree. VERY strange message to send your daughter. And yes, her message in reply was far more mature than yours.

She is 16. She will experiment. She sounds, actually, very level headed. You - sorry - sound a bit hysterical.

Birdsgottafly Sun 02-Feb-14 11:15:12

Mine are 28, 18 and 16.

You have to accept that they are growing up and part of that is wanting a sex life.

Firstly you should of set your other DD straight and read her the riot act. Reading (and crying!) and her sisters messages was very wrong (both).

I hope your use of emotional blackmail is a joke.

Do you watch the soaps? You sound like Roy Cropper's/Heather Trotts/Mary's Mum rolled into one.

What "Special Jewel" does your DD have? Ffs

They are young adults, young adults shag.

ComposHat Sun 02-Feb-14 11:16:10

Precious jewel??? You don't write romantic fiction do you?
Your text message soundd batshit crazy and judging by hrr response your daughter seems more mature and level headed.

Monetbyhimself Sun 02-Feb-14 11:16:49

Have you offered to go with her to the family planning clinic? As well as being on the pill, they need to be using condoms.

The tone of your message is very odd. Sorry.

Birdsgottafly Sun 02-Feb-14 11:17:34

"I feel I have a good relationship with my daughters, "

No you honestly don't, stop living in LaLa land and kick your other daughters arse out if there to.

ilovesooty Sun 02-Feb-14 11:18:58

She sounds very mature and grounded. Your message to her is seriously weird and creepy. She must feel embarrassed by you.

Follyfoot Sun 02-Feb-14 11:19:03

Her response to your very strange message shows how mature she actually is. However much you dont like the idea of her having sex, she will still do it if she chooses to.

If you dont want him staying over, fair enough, but it isnt possible for you to control her behaviour, which I think is actually what you are trying to do but calling it 'protecting' her.

If you continue to emotionally blackmail her as you are in that text, its likely she will stop communicating with you and irreparable damage will be caused to your relationship with her.

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Feb-14 11:19:33

If this is not a wind up

'Mummy' is going to find her 'baby' moving out as soon as she possibly can I would imagine.

piratecat Sun 02-Feb-14 11:19:52

reverse?

ilovesooty Sun 02-Feb-14 11:21:32

Oh and tell your younger daughter to get some respect and boundaries.

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