to be angry about this snooping

[photo927]

To be shaking with anger that my parents have opened a letter from DS’s senco. It was handed to them in person at school collection in a sealed envelope addressed to DS’s parents with a message to give it to us. They have resealed it in a new envelope and readdressed it to us. I should not be that surprised as I am aware they have snooped on my sisters and other relatives including searching their hard drives but I am so upset. What would you do?

[AwfulMaureen]

I must be missing something...have you got a bad history with them in general? The thing is...yes they were rude...but on the other hand, a normal loving grandparent would often know all about SENCO activity with their grandchild...my Mum knows all about my DDs IEP for instance...any letters from school I'd let her read...yanbu to be angry but shaking? A bit of an over reaction unless they're generally bastards..in which case why are you letting them pick up your son?

[DarlingGrace]

How do you know? Did the hand writing give it away?

Other than stopping using your parents for wrap around child care, going NC and requesting the school post letters home, there isn't much you can do.

[RhondaJean]

Perhaps a word with the school as well asking that letters are either handed directly to you or posted out.

I don't mean Thr school did anything wrong but if you let them know that is your wish then they should be able to make sure that happens in future.

YANBU. Do you need to have them near the school?

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

But Maureen, they sound like bastards. Searching hard drives for example? Care to elaborate on that OP? The whole putting in a new envelope and handing over shows they know they are snooping but can't quite help themselves! YANBU.

[AwfulMaureen]

Hmm...maybe I'm more open than most? I don't mind that kind of thing with immediate family....if my Mum was collecting she might look to see if it were something she needed to sort out or to inform me of straight away....

[clam]

"if my Mum was collecting she might look to see if it were something she needed to sort out or to inform me of straight away"

It was a letter ADDRESSED TO THE OP!!!! How on EARTH could that be interpreted as something she might need to sort out?
And it's not about being open - I might well share the information in the letter after I'd read it myself but I would be spitting mad if someone, anyone, opened my mail in that way.

[Caitlin17]

Awful Maureen if they did this it is appalling behaviour. There are very, very limited circumstances where it might be acceptable to open and read letters not addressed to you . This is not one of them.

[RhondaJean]

Emm but she should be informing straight away by handing over the letter to the intended recipient surely?

I cannot think of one good reason to open a letter addressed to another adult regardless of their relationship with you, unless they had asked you to or given express permission.

[Joules68]

How do you know who it was addressed to if a new envelope was used though?

[Joysmum]

It's not the looking, it's the trying to cover it up. I can't abide liars.

[PixelMum]

Shaking with anger might be stretching it a little, but I would certainly be very cross!
If the letter was addressed to you, then it should have been passed to you, unopened. If your parents opened and read the letter, then put it in a new envelope, they knew they were not doing the right thing, and this should be addressed!
Have a gentle word with your parents, but also speak with the school, ensuring any future correspondence gets to you first, preferably by post (or email).
Don't fall out with your parents - they are obviously doing you huge favours by picking up your son from school (presumably it is a standing arrangement). Also, I expect they love and are concerned for your son's wellbeing, so perhaps imagined they were within their rights. Handle it carefully, and you will all come out the other side

[Caitlin17]

Rhonda The only good reasons I can think of for opening another adult's mail is if the person is dead and you are the executor or the person is incapax and you are the curator bonis.

A third reason we have discussed on here is mail regularly arriving at one's house for someone you've never heard of as it might be a scam of some sort.

[Cerisier]

Outrageous behaviour- they really don't have any boundaries do they?

You need to give written instructions to school that any letters should be posted to you or given to you or DH personally.

At home password protect all devices and keep personal letters/documents under lock and key.

For entertainment you could do the MN favourite of leaving information on relocating to Australia/USA/Timbuktu lightly hidden to see what their reaction is after the inevitable snoop.

[BackOnlyBriefly]

I would say snoopy, but it does depend a bit on the context, which the OP knows and we don't.

If they are regularly providing child care they might think it was something that had to be dealt with right then while still at the school. Something the OP would have dealt with right then if she had been there instead of them.

[whichdidyouchoose]

If I were you, I would stop relying on other people to look after responibilities

[Caitlin17]

Oh come on, it had to be dealt with right there , right then? I think the person handing over the note would have mentioned it if it were so vital.

I'd be very angry with anyone who opened my mail.

[RhondaJean]

Ooh yes Caitlin. I was going to add in brackets unless they were dead but worried it might look facetious.

I did actually once open a letter for someone else, you reminded me, we were moving into a flat which had been empty for a while, before that an old lady had lived there for years and there was a pile of mail with her name and then one "red" letter for. Totally different name.

Someone had taken a providential loan out to the address fraudulently so I contacted them, explained and sent the letter back to them. I was glad I did as it could, I think, have caused problems with credit rating for the property later on, but that was a very different and very specific set of circumastances.

[RhondaJean]

Schools don't send letter for something needing dealt with right there and then, they come out and ask to speak to you. There is no excuse for this.

[BalloonSlayer]

I think you need to tell the school that if you are not there to give a letter to, the letter is not given to the person picking up.

I have to say though that if I didn't trust a parent of mine to read a letter from the Senco, I would not be asking them to pick up my child from school.

I mean I do actually think YANBU to be angry but I still detect the tiniest, slimmest, sliver of: "I like you picking up my DC when it is convenient to me but you better not think that means you can take an interest in their education" here.

[photo927]

I asked the SENCO directly if it was her original envelope and handwriting because it looked like my mothers in disguise and she said it wasn't but the wording was the same.

I was suspicious because my mother always asks what is in any letter and this time she didn't ask for an update and just kept saying she hadn't opened it even though I hadn't asked if she had as it was sealed!!!

Joysmum - that is my problem I cant have relationships with liars, I am fine with many other characteristics but not lying.

Darling Grace - No I don't need to have them near the school and never use them for childcare. However I do allow them to see their grandson as he doesn't have any other blood relatives and hence allow occasional pick up on a day to suit themselves.

Diane – the hard drive instances would be them finding something very confidential that they had searched for on relatives computers ie their parents or siblings perhaps whilst offering to upgrade their memory or install a new program for them – such as cousin had been expelled from school when we had been told he had changed school due to bullying – that type of thing.

Yes I will certainly tell school never to give them letters and to wait until the following day for me as it is only a very rare occasion that they would have collected.

However it is more what to do re the whole relationship. Should I deprive my son of his grandparents for fear he sees this type of behaviour as the norm?

[ENormaSnob]

I would be very very pissed off.

I honestly cant think of anyone that would do this or find it acceptable.

[ENormaSnob]

She knows she was in the wrong or she wouldnt be trying to conceal it.

[photo927]

I cant believe these responses. I don't work. They have NEVER ever provided babysitting for me. I used a paid babysitter for all parents evenings and social life, luckily I don't need free babysitting as we have the money to pay. I would never be indebted to them by asking for a favour and have never ever done so. I reluctantly allow my son to visit them and very rarely agree that they can collect from school as they are so keen to do so, perhaps once a month but weekly visits. They have no other grandchildren and do not work and are very bored and ask all the time to see him. Why assume that they are doing this because I am using them.

[WTFlike]

I don't know what I'd do. Probably say "I know you opened the letter, and tried to cover it up, I can't trust you at all. How can you fix this?".