AIBU to nearly burst a blood vessel over DH and the way he 'thinks'(50 Posts)
Today, Friday, I am on another long day at work.....
I have just received a text from DH
'Thanks for leaving me the pushchair'
This is referring the the fact that the pushchair is in the boot of my car here at work, we live about 3 miles away and nursery where he is collecting youngest DD from is halfway!
Now he does not want the pushchair to take her out, go the park, feed the ducks etc, its so he can get her to sleep then he can play his big boy games on his PS3 kill a few soldiers etc
I have text him back
It is as much your responsibility as it is mine
you are only working a few hours today
i am not superwoman
i cannot remember everything for the whole family
if you need it come and get it, its not that far away!
I think it's the car drivers responsibility not to take something with them in the car that is needed at home,if you both opted not to get it out of the car when you came home with it last.
If HIS plans for HIS day involved the use of the pushchair it was up to HIM to ascertain that HE had the pushchair available. HE waited until you were at work to look for it so it is HIS lack of planning that is the problem.
The issue here is clearly that he lets you do everything because you always do everything. Stop doing it all but tell him what he needs to do. Eg If you know he needs/wants the pushchair tell him he needs to make sure he's got it. If one of his family members has a birthday coming up just remind him that he needs to send them a card - and leave it at that. I speak with experience as a SAHM who always did everything as DH worked long hours. Then he changed jobs and worked 9-5, I continue to do everything. That worked fine until we hit a patch of family crises with my extended family plus DD had a spell in hospital and I wasn't at home to do everything. I just started to dish out specific jobs and made it quite clear that I wouldn't be picking those jobs back up again once things settled down - as he more than had the time to help out.
But clearly he is a man who will not 'know' what jobs need doing so you will have to spell it out to him. And no way would I be doing all that food prep for meals I was out for if he is sitting around playing PS games.
You have my full sympathy lilyrose123. I would love to hear tips on how to change his attitude and behaviour. I also feel like a mum 2.0 sometimes, and frustrated that my other half also has this idea that he deserves to always chill and drink coffee and watch the news. Whilst like you, I am always swirling around cleaning or cooking or doing laundry or tending to the little one. I have tried different things but would appreciate any tips on here to get the other half to see, for eg: hey, the bathtub needs cleaning/dishes need doing etc, why don't I just sort that out...instead of waiting for me to ask him to help me with it. And in the process feeling like a nag.
Actually I disagree a little. DH has done this before - he takes the car to work, I walk to work with DD. Sometimes the pushchair gets left in the boot of the car (which I typically suddenly remember after he's already left). I have been known to send a sarcastic text . Difference is I'm the one doing all the running around, getting DD breakfast, dressed etc while he only has himself to think of. He doesn't think of anything besides his need to get to work, which frustrates me when I think of the family as a whole.
How do you know he only uses the pushchair to get DD to sleep so he can play games if you're not there?
Christ he sounds like an absolute waste of space.
What was the point of him saying anything? It was just to annoy OP, I'd be annoyed too if I got a similar text.
A classic case of getting upset with a person, rather than a situation.
DH and I tend to take a more pragmatic view. We both know we do our best, but we both know we both make mistakes. We just happen to like and respect each other to appreciate that our mistakes aren't because we are fuckwits, things get forgotten and that's a fact of life so getting annoyed at a person is wrong and destructive no matter how irritating the situation.
He refuses to take his children to birthday parties and activities, so if you aren't available to take them they can't go??
He doesn't sound like a very good father. In fact, he sounds bone idle.
I have been known to jokily text back to MIL - terrible sorry, Mr Quiz's PA doesn't work at weekends. Please resend your request direct. Kind Regards, Mrs Quiz.
This has been in response to reminders like 'can you get him to send a birthday card to his Nanna please?' Or can you ask him to call his dad later? Erm. No. Sounds harsh but the first few times it was a novelty, and then I realised I was facilitating him not having to remember or get involved in anything to do with HIS family!!
his general stance is that he should not have to take the girls to any parties, playbarns, swimming lessons etc
This is just ludicrous. So, if he was a single parent then, god forbid, his children wouldn't to go parties or swimming lessons or anything? Does he know other men do take their children to these things? Does he know how crap he sounds?
He's crap but the ILs asking you about cards suggests they have brought him up to be crap.
My ILs tried the shit about cards - you simply have to learn how not to be embarrassed and not to give a shit. Everytime they tried to blame me for forgetting one, I reiterated that it was his responsibility. Now they think I'm a crap wife but they don't bother me anymore
Pick one thing he's crap about and don't take anymore messing. When he knows you mean business about that one thing, move on to another. Eventually he'll get it.
'then he can play his big boy games on his PS3 kill a few soldiers etc'
as opposed to mumsnetting?
Couldn't you have just texted back 'whoops' and tried to pop back with it?
Why the fuck is he blaming you ?
Whoops and pop back with it !!
No bloody way. He is an adult its time he behaved like one.
Don't agree that men aren't capable, my dh is perfectly capable and doesn't play kids computer games
What precisely is this lump of lard bringing to the party apart from being an additional child for you to deal with? On what basis are the childrens parties and other stuff nothing to do with him? My DH is far from perfect but he sees everything as his joint responsbility (more so really as I am the full time wage slave and he's self employed, WFH). This is only going to lead to resentment and kill any love you have for him. Also think about the message and lesson you are teaching your children - that this is a perfectly acceptable way to treat your partner!
Right OP, we all agree that when it comes to taking responsibility for family and DC related things some men are useless (or bloody lazy).
You can't stop doing everything you do, that will end in chaos, miserable children and probably divorce.
Think of one at most two things you do that he jolly well ought to do and put your foot down. Be it presents, swimming lessons or cooking (and cleaning up) when he's home first. Preferably choose something that you hate or aren't particularly good at, off loading 50% isn't going to happen so make sure you give him something that will make you smile.
Also unload something that he will actually do. I off load getting the DDs to the bus in the morning, I hate mornings, I grump, I shout, I am not nice, DH is massively better at it.
He's hopeless at presents, massively over thinks them and gets in a mess.
He wouldn't do parties if they were all parents he didn't know, he's genuinely a bit odd about some social stuff.
So long as he gets all the shopping in the fridge and the freezer when it defeats me I don't care!
coco44 you're having a garden aren't you? run around after your own partner like that do you?
What are you getting out of this relationship?
He is a crap father by the sounds of it, lazy at home, not earning shit loads of money ( which for sone wonen would go some way to compensating because at least they could buy in help) and sends sarky texts when you are at work!
quite saying ltb, because he might be 'fixable' if you stop letting him get away with being an arse and put your foot down. But if it turns out that he is unwilling to change then I honestly don't see your life being worse if he wasn't in it.
He had finished work
He had his van if he wanted to collect it
I don't think the patients or staff in a&e would appreciate me popping out to drop it off lol
Well he knows he's ballsed up
I've took both girls swimming this morning
He's cleaned the house or at least half of it
Then after I've nipped for a work photo with girls
I've come in to their tea cooked
Washing put away and then he offers to go do shopping
Now when they do this it's fab
I've said thank you
I did a little kitchen dance and made myself coffee
I drank it hot too
He's also auto for a zoo visit and picnic tomorrow
Why does it have to get this far though?
Anyway I'm working extra next two weekends so going to enjoy tomorrow
Will need to think how I approach next two weekends in order to make sure I'm not doing everything again
Might just ask him what he's organising for tea?
The thing is he's done a those things because he feels guilty. (Which is a start) but it's all on his terms. Whereas you don't get to chose when you are contributing.
I don't have an answer thoufh
Don't ask him! I feel sorry that you're in this predicament but you're facilitating him. He sounds like a cocklodger.
Good on you, had something similar years back when I was fed up of doing everything so remind DH it was his responsibility to
Mmmnnnn I see the point of not asking
But after 9 hours in the pool next weekend I will need a decent meal when I get in
Usually stick something in slow cooker
See how the week works out for now
I don't think there is a quick solution
Wasn't always like this
Pre children we both worked full time and then a bit extra
We just got on with it I guess
But with kids and mat leave you get used to being organised And in control maybe
Men aren't from Mars.. god I hate those sorts of sweeping, sexist comments. Men are just people and men are often equal parents, too.
Stop enabling your DH's behaviour. Either sit down and calmly work out who does what or, if he refuses, stop doing things for him. He'll soon get the message.
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