Advice on unplanned pregnancy threads(63 Posts)
I fully accept maybe I ABU.
Support is nice. And there's nothing wrong with anonymous posters helping someone put the best spin on things.
But it worries me that when someone will post about an unplanned pregnancy and seek advice, someone will invariably reassure them that they'll be a great mum and love the kid etc etc. And that's it. Case closed as far as the supportive poster is concerned.
It just seems like such a bland platitude that it's unhelpful to say it. Deciding whether to have a child as a single parent is a huge decision. It concerns me that sometimes a "babies are cute" brigade will clatter in and start cheerleading and ignore that a) women have choices and b) there's invariably a complex back story and "you'll love you bubz" does not get around a lack of finance, support or enthusiasm.
I don't know, I'm just fiercely pro-choice and I fear that sometimes we risk forgetting that abortion can be the life enhancing option.
All that leaves is affection, which I don't think is a given for anyone. Have you experienced lack of affection from your mother? Once my dad left I had no affection. I would watch her laugh & play with my older sister & brother, smile at them, hold them. While I looked on. She looked after me. That's all she did. She left me at hospital at 9 to wake from a major op on my own. It was two days later that I saw her (was in hospital for a week). I remember another mum on the ward cuddling me as I cried for her. My sister cut her leg at 18 & my mother rushed her to hospital. My sister didn't even need stitches, but was kept in overnight (possible shock) and my mother stayed with her. Don't underestimate how important affection is.
Not sure I'd ever describe it as the 'life enhancing option' though. It enhanced my life. Honestly. While waiting for my op I was depressed. I was yelling at my 6mth old, I wanted to die. I thought about crashing my car (didn't obviously, but that was only because every time I was in it, my 6mth old was too). So yes, I would describe it as life enhancing.
Neitheronethingortheother Telling a poster that it worked out for you isn't a problem. It helps them see that it CAN work. What I object to is what I put above 'you won't regret it' etc. Because as people who do not know the poster, we can not know that!!
I don't tend to go in to those threads, but I'm betting that for every post supporting keeping the baby, that there are just as many suggesting an abortion. If you don't tend to go on them, then how can you possibly comment as to their content? Anyway. to answer ; Not in my experience. It is heavily weighed in the favour of support for keeping baby. I think it is because as soon as someone comes on to express another option, they are usually made to feel like they have to justify their choice & then berated (because I was) for terminating in those situations. I have had a few people tell me my reasons weren't good enough, that I could have found a way around them, and this was while I was trying to support an op who was thinking of termination. It is a good job that I know my reasons are valid & good enough, but I suspect others have been scared off because of this.
I have often felt like a lone voice on such threads.
The thing is, if you regret your abortion, that's your life impacted negatively. If you regret continuing your pregnancy, that's two lives impacted negatively. The latter definitely seems worse. The latter is MUCH worse.
Sorry, fell asleep.
I didn't mean to suggest that it wasn't the right decision for you Ali. I meant that phrase didn't seem to fit (IMO). To me, something that is life enhancing is amazing and joyous. And of course no longer being pregnant may have felt like that but I wouldn't describe a termination in itself as that. I'm sure the vast majority of women would rather not have found themselves with an unwanted pregnancy rather than needing to opt for a termination. I can be pro choice and still see it as an unpleasant experience even if you're sure it's what you want.
Differentnameforthis, I'm sorry you had such a horrid experience as a child. I'd like to think that if your mother came in here saying she was married with 2kids and facing a 3rd unplanned and unwanted pg then I and others, would suggest that perhaps a termination was right for her. If she posted that her husband was trying to convince her to keep the baby then id tell her that it wasn't his decision and that only she could make it based on how she felt.
Having said all that, I think a great many women in your mother's situation would love their child once it came along and not reject it throughout its life. That's not to say they should all go ahead and have the baby eapecially if they really didnt want it but your mother's reaction was probably extreme.
I think the threads on the whole usually end up being quite balanced, though I can't stand any posts that are too forceful either way. I think it's helpful to hear stories from people who've been in that situation and kept their babies and things worked out great and also the ones where terminating was absolutely the best thing to do
If someone posted that they were pregnant and unsure what to do I think it would be just as damaging to have every poster say that termination is probably for the best, they made that decision and it was the right one etc etc because then they might feel they would be irresponsible to keep the baby even if that's what they really wanted
I can't stand any posts that are too forceful either way
I agree that it's deeply unhelpful to have posters telling an OP what they will feel.
For me, a baby before graduating would have been an utter disaster. Abortion was the best option and I don't regret it for a second.
For people who are pregnant and unsure what to do the only things that matter are their own feelings/beliefs and facing the reality that having a baby changes your life completely. I do get seriously annoyed with the 'all they need is love' brigade and the comments made to younger pregnant women that suggest they can basically stick the baby in a sling and carry on with their current lives. Continuing the pregnancy might be entirely the right thing for them, but it doesn't help them to be completely unprepared for what's to come.
I was on one of those threads. I wanted to say "I think you'll be much better off not having the baby. You're young, you're single, the father wants nothing to do with you or the baby, you have no job, please get a life before you have a baby"
I didn't say that though, I said whatever decision you make will be the right one. I don't think it was true, I think keeping the baby will be an awful mistake. Of course, she will most probably love the child and do fine if she keeps it but her life will be hard and it doesn't have to be.
The problem is, even if the overall response is balanced in responses, it only takes one person to say "I could never do that" or some other guilt enducing comment for the OP to focus in on that above all others.
The only advice I ever give is that which was given to me:
Whatever decision you make at this point in your life will be the right one for you.
somewhere on here is a thread with mothers saying the unsayable 'I regret having my kids'.
not everyone wants to be a parent. It is not realistic to say that you should never have sex if that is the case.
as someone else has said, all children should be wanted. If they are not, it is better that they are not born.
thank goodness for choice in abortion. Let's hope those who seek to stop it in the UK never succeed.
YABU, IME such threads are usually fairly balanced and guilt-trippers are firmly countered. Someone usually posts the number of counselling services too.
I do think that most people who start such threads know what they want to do, so either way they'll see what they want to.
posters commenting on their own experiences can be useful, but commenting that some random person on the internet will be 'a great mum' is just weird.
the parents I know do their best and are good enough parents. but great? no.
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