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Advice on unplanned pregnancy threads

(63 Posts)
ALittleStranger Thu 30-Jan-14 22:25:43

I fully accept maybe I ABU.

Support is nice. And there's nothing wrong with anonymous posters helping someone put the best spin on things.

But it worries me that when someone will post about an unplanned pregnancy and seek advice, someone will invariably reassure them that they'll be a great mum and love the kid etc etc. And that's it. Case closed as far as the supportive poster is concerned.

It just seems like such a bland platitude that it's unhelpful to say it. Deciding whether to have a child as a single parent is a huge decision. It concerns me that sometimes a "babies are cute" brigade will clatter in and start cheerleading and ignore that a) women have choices and b) there's invariably a complex back story and "you'll love you bubz" does not get around a lack of finance, support or enthusiasm.

I don't know, I'm just fiercely pro-choice and I fear that sometimes we risk forgetting that abortion can be the life enhancing option.

LineRunner Thu 30-Jan-14 22:27:51

I get what you are saying.

CuttedUpPear Thu 30-Jan-14 22:29:01

I also get what you are saying, thank you for saying it.
It is sad but true.

i've seen threads like this and from what i recall, most posters are quite open about the fact that there are alternatives to going ahead with a pregnancy.

Every thread like this I've seen has had posters on it offering support whatever the op chooses.

Thread about a thread?

BunnyBaby Thu 30-Jan-14 22:30:16

for who?

PansOnFire Thu 30-Jan-14 22:31:12

I kind of think YABU, but I do understand what you mean. I always get annoyed reading those threads because I feel they trivialise such a huge and significant decision, however, they would certainly give the OP food for thought. For instance, if someone tells them "you'll love the baby once it gets here" it's hard not to imagine what that would be like and some people can honestly say that they can't imagine it. For others it might just be a confidence boost that they need - they might be potentially great parents but about to make a decision based on their lack of confidence and experience.

Those threads do annoy me but I think they hold valuable help for the people who post them. Not everyone is able to speak to the people around them in RL.

ALittleStranger Thu 30-Jan-14 22:31:37

Kind of a thread about a thread, but it's not a one off.

I think there is some openess about options, but it feels like everyone is initially awkward about bringing it up and it has to be done with many more caveats than people who just storm in with "congratulations xxxx"

I also don't think it's wise to push someone into making either decision. I think something along the lines of 'good luck' is more appropriate. let's face it, neither option is ideal.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 30-Jan-14 22:35:05

I know exactly the kind of posts you mean. It is not unusual for them to be prefaced with 'I just know I could never have an abortion' or some other similarly guilt-inducing comment.

The ones that I find the most unpalatable are where there is no relationship - the pregnancy is the result of a ONS or a couple of weeks of casual dating and sex. 'Oh you'll love the baby and he'll have to pay' blah blah blah. I feel like I'm in a parallel universe.

HesterShaw Thu 30-Jan-14 22:36:00


Constant responses like that are trite and insult intelligence. For some people, going ahead with a pregnancy is not the best option. Children are expensive, hard work, and not all parents automatically love them.

"All babies need is love"....not true. They need a lot more IMO.

ALittleStranger Thu 30-Jan-14 22:37:53

Vampyre I'd never push anyone either way, but I think if someone is posting for support people should talk through all the options and the implications of all the options.

RhondaJean Thu 30-Jan-14 22:39:51

I see it more as people giving all the alternatives personally.

ikeaismylocal Thu 30-Jan-14 22:41:07

I am sure that abortion can be a life enhancing choice.

In my limited experience abortion has not been a life enhancing choice for my friends who have chosen it, most of my friends who have had abortions have gone on to have babies in equally, somethimes more so, difficult circumstances.

When people post advice on a forum they are giving subjective advice which is loaded with personal opinions and experience, if a Dr or counselor was advising women that "you'll love you baby and everything will be fine" that would be inappropriate but if you ask for advice from anonymous members of the general public you will get a variety of answers, there is a high chance those answers will contradict each other.

My opinion is that if you choose to have a baby in the UK regardless of your relationship status or income your baby will have education, food, healthcare, a home and a safe environment. The choice is obviously ultimately down to the individual women, but if asked for my advice I would say that in most situations I would keep the baby.

LCHammer Thu 30-Jan-14 22:41:24

Brave thread. I agree with you.

well they should, of course. when i found out years ago that i was pregnant (not planned, in shitty relationship), one response - and i didn't and still haven't told many people - was 'well, you'll have to have a baby then'. i didn't intend to go ahead with it, and didn't. but it made me feel even worse. it does worry me that some people see abortion as an easy way out though because it's a heartbreaking and deeply unpleasant experience for many sad

got to find my not telling many people comment ironic when i've just put it on an internet forum hmm

ALittleStranger Thu 30-Jan-14 22:47:19

Ikea I don't think you have to be a raving lefty to think that a home and a safe environment is no longer guaranteed. But luckily we've got foodbanks now to make sure the food is there at least.

I suppose it comes down to expectations. I would not want to have a child because I'd know that worst case scenario we wouldn't be destitute.

WeddingComingUp Thu 30-Jan-14 22:47:22

I disagree.

Whenever I see threads of the sort it seems there are more posts along the lines of 'Well I've had an abortion, it was the best choice, I've moved on just fine' type posts.

Which are just as damaging.

ikeaismylocal Thu 30-Jan-14 22:47:26

Actually all babies need is love. No one can guarantee that they will love their baby, most people do love their baby.

I believe that a loved baby in scruffy 3rd hand clothes with just some plastic things from the kitchen to play with is probably happier that a baby who wears designer clothes and has every development stimulating toy available who's parents struggle to bond with it.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 30-Jan-14 22:48:52

Abortion is an easy way out of an unwanted pregnancy, as long as it's performed safely and legally, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But it has to be the woman's own choice, no one else's. The only woman I know who really suffered after an abortion was one who would have preferred to continue the pregnancy but was persuaded to terminate by family members, which is sad.

i've heard worse comments suggesting adoption as an alternative to termination? would that not be an awful lot harder?

solid yes, it's easy to have an abortion but the feelings you might be left with aren't necessarily easy to deal with. no matter why you made the choice.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 30-Jan-14 22:50:48

Well done ikea, you have just illustrated the OP's point beautifully and saved her further explanation.

There is of course no middle ground between a designer clad baby with parents who don't really care for it, and a baby wearing the next thing up from rags with no toys but adoring parents... hmm

ALittleStranger Thu 30-Jan-14 22:51:09

*Whenever I see threads of the sort it seems there are more posts along the lines of 'Well I've had an abortion, it was the best choice, I've moved on just fine' type posts.

Which are just as damaging.*

Is it? What if that is their true experience?

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