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To be upset (and a bit cross) that no one is coming to our party?

(129 Posts)
ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 17:57:46

DP and I are throwing a housewarming party this Saturday. We have had a difficult 18 minths due to DP job loss and a very difficult past three months where a manic Christmas with business meant I pretty much saw and spoke to no one for a couple of months. Which is why I wanted to get everyone together to see all the people I have missed so much.
However, out of 46 people we have invited only seven people have responded and only one of them to say they can come.
This is after we cancelled a get together in december (to celebrate christmas rush being over) due to only one person being able to make it.

Am i being unreasonable to be utterly fucked off?

hooochycoo Wed 29-Jan-14 18:46:12

If they are close/close ish friends then how come you are inviting them by Facebook?
And 46 of them?

I think the ease of Facebook and texting makes you feel
As if you're closer to acquaintances than you are. You can't be a close friend to 46 people!

LRDtheFeministDragon Wed 29-Jan-14 18:48:29

I think if they've got good excuses, if it were me, I'd send a message to a couple of good friends and say you'd really love to meet up, and what time is good for them. Much easier to sort out a smaller group.

It is sometimes ok just to call people on it, though. I think it's a very British taboo, not to acknowledge that people failing to come to things can be rude. It's as if we're all supposed to pretend that if people don't drop everything to be with us all the time, we're social failures. Americans in my social circle are much better at this and refer to the fact it's basic politeness to turn up to things. And it does clear the air when you talk about it.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:51:21

I am close to about 10 couples, DP is close to about 10 couples = about 40.

The past three months have been a it crap, but previously we have done an awful, awful lot for these friends when other people haven't, actually.
Ie dealt with their flakiness/busyness/inavailabilty through their medicine, law training, work in finance, new relationships (and I was always ery careful to not let my r'ship get int he way of friendships)and their own businesses actually.

Is it really so hard for people to give us three months leeway? Where we really behaved no worse than they all usually do?

I am planning on closing the business to save my relationship with my friends/social life (family is already shot!), but is it really too late?

However, I take the FB comments on board and will get DP to contact his half of the list.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:53:16

@lrd I have arranged to meet up with the people with good excuses at a later date. That is sorted.

I have called some friends on their crapness over turning up to things in the past and it didn't go well at all and they were v defensive (ie I had a bday once where all 13 people who did turn up were 2 hours late!! And I didn't keep my displeasure completely disguised)

PurplePidjin Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:03

I often ignore fb invitations and I'm not much older than you. It only shows up in my newsfeed a few days before the event so if i ignored it weeks ago I'd have no idea now that it was happening iyswim.

Call the important ones, and if truly no one is free then rearrange for a few weeks later and invite them properly. Facebook is too impersonal for this kind of thing.

Yanbu to be pissed off though

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:44

If you are close to most of the friends, I think it is far better to contact in person or by telephone, particularly if you have been a bit distant lately. Also, the more direct approach means that they have to give you an answer rather than hiding behind Facebook.

CarolineKnappShappey Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:46

I think that 2 weeks notice is way too short. We have been trying to fix dates with two sets of friends and the first date we could all do was in April. (And I don't have a sparkly social life, just commitments!)

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 18:55:44

Some people we have text'ed haven't responded either btw. Some of these people we have spent large amounts of time traveling to weddings and birthday/holidays with over the past year which is why I am a bit pissed off.

But I do take on board the comments about FB.

arethereanyleftatall Wed 29-Jan-14 19:03:31

Are you sure these people like you both?

whois Wed 29-Jan-14 19:12:46

To be honest, it just doesn't sound like they lie you all that much! Not replying to texts, only wanting to talk about your work. Well, that's not very friend like. Also the thing about your DH thinking they won't want to see him now he can't help them out - who thinks that about their friends?

I feel your anger about people being rubbish in January for your birthday. I have a Jan birthday and usually don't bother, but this year I did and had a really surprisingly large turn out with minimal badgering. Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful.

In summary yes you are not being U to feel upset but it does sound like yor actual close friends are busy, and some just aren't really your friends!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 29-Jan-14 19:14:03

Have I read right, you only gave two weeks notice? That's no way near enough! I would need at least two months due to work and DC. People tend to have plans.

I agree about doing it via fb, I tend to forget about fb events and see who replies first.

Poppylovescheese Wed 29-Jan-14 19:14:14

I agree with arethereanyatall. If they wanted to see you a nd spend time with you they would come.

tinyturtletim Wed 29-Jan-14 19:15:54

I will come.. grin

not helpful I know.

RainbowSpiral Wed 29-Jan-14 19:17:15

Are you inviting couples with children who will need babysitting? If so that will be why they can't come as lots of people have no babysitting. Otherwise I would phone or email around all the ones that you have just invited on Facebook. And make sure people know what the party is like e.g. booze and buffet from 8-12 for House Warming, or whatever. A vague "open house" type thing will get less people.
Good Luck.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 19:19:45

No one has any children (except one and tbh we don't expect her to come as it is a baby but didn't want to leave her out either).

We are generally given a couple of week's notice for their events, which we generally go to or at least respond to and explain. The ones we haven't been able to go to are ones where we are given a few hours notice. We all live in or around London.

I never look at lists to see who else is going to an event if it is FB and that is bitchy and nasty and calculating.

Thebignamechange Wed 29-Jan-14 19:25:28

2 weeks generally would not be enough notice for me personally.
I know my friends baby shower on FB didn't look like it would be well attended but actually a lot of people turned up that hadn't rsvp

manicinsomniac Wed 29-Jan-14 19:28:00

I would be absolutely gutted. I don't know if YABU to be angry but YA certainly NBU to be upset.

I don't think YABU to use facebook either. My entire life with my friends who aren't geographically close is conducted via facebook - several meets a year all over the country for 10-15 people. Never been a problem with the medium before. For geographically close people I use a mixture of facebook, phone and face to face. It's email that I would say is awkward to use and a bit old fashioned.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 19:35:21

I agree with Nanny.

A Facebook invitation comes across as less important to people, especially if there are large numbers invited.

I don't think that people who don't want to come to a party are saying that they don't want to spend time with you, how much time do you spend with each person when you are hosting a relatively big event at home anyway? Maybe if it was an invitation for dinner with three couples including yourselves, you would have people be delighted at the invitation.

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 19:37:48

@woowooowl I get what you are saying but one of these couples we invited to a bbq, just them and us, and they cancelled 30 mins before hand. Their excuse? They were tierd.

DP is in his wedding party this year! It is such mixed messages....

PenelopeLane Wed 29-Jan-14 19:39:31

I'm the same as nanny up thread, I don't tend to respond to FB invites either and am no old codger myself, unless there are only a small no invited (ie under 15) or the person has mentioned it to me otherwise in person or by email/message just to me. It doesn't matter what the medium is, but something just to me. The only FB invites I respond to tend to be those that have followed up a conversation or personal message.

It may sound silly, but unless I get a personal invite, I feel like I'm being invited to make up numbers at a party rather than being asked for my company specifically, in which case I don't put as much value on the invite.

I never look at lists to see who else is going to an event if it is FB and that is bitchy and nasty and calculating.

Or, that you are shy and want to know if you'll have someone to talk to there, especially if it's a bigger event and you only really know the host?

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 29-Jan-14 19:46:47

Wow! Your friends cancelled with 30 mins notice! Are you sure these people are your friends?

Do you think that maybe the fact that you haven't been in contact with anyone for 3 months has been taken the wrong way and your friends think you can't be arsed with them? I appreciate you have been there for them in the past but maybe somehow you have given people the wrong impression about you.

That or someone has been spreading stories about you!

Whatisaweekend Wed 29-Jan-14 19:59:20

Two weeks notice is not enough especially when for a potentially busy day like Friday or Saturday. Also not everyone looks at Facebook all the time (I go on about once a month but I do appreciate that I am weird - poss your friends are on it more). So I think YAB a little but U.

Apart from the friends who ditched with 30 mins notice because they were "tired". That is crap and rude. Ditch 'em.

ROARmeow Wed 29-Jan-14 19:59:44

>steps into whole other world<

I am late-20s too, have never had a Facebook account so haven't had to deal with such flakey and cheeky friends as you seem to have, OP.

But one thing that does get my goat is that some friends, actual friends, only seem to send round huge FB invites to events. The when it's mentioned in passing either before or after the event I'll remind him/her that I don't have FB so didn't know about the event. Cue much eye rolling and "oh you should get FB cuz it's so much easier" hmm

People seem to have just lost the grasp of basic good manners - such as RSVPing. YANBU to be annoyed at your friends, esp as it's happened before.

But show your good manners (and indirectly pull them up on their lack of manners) by ringing some/all of them to get clarity or contacting them directly, not as a group shout-out.

Reduction Wed 29-Jan-14 20:00:51

I think it probably has to do with the FB invite. Somehow a FB message doesn't seem like something that needs to go on your to do list in the same way that a phone call or a shock piece of paper does and by the time they got your text reminder the notice was too short.

One other thought occurs though. 48 is a lot to have at a house party. Is the new house very large? Is there an element of showing off that people may have taken exception to?

ethelb Wed 29-Jan-14 20:03:19

We have already texted/called half of them two weeks ago as mentioned upthread. We have just called round the rest but haven't heard back yet.

I called all people without Facebook accounts before sending out the rest of the invites. Interestingly they all responded, and the one person who could come was one of them hmm

Funnily enough the friends who cancelled with 30 mins notice have otherwise been ok. I think we do just have v crap/disorganised/flakey/late friends, but whenever they have been called on this they have been quite angry so I'm not sure what to do tbh. Other than never see any of them again which is how I am feeling this evening.

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