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To think DP is being unfair carrying DD up and down the stairs

(87 Posts)
Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:09:40

I need some perspective on this, is DP being perfectly reasonable and making his own parental choices, or is he messing up my parenting of DD?

DD is 2.8yo, weighs 14kilos and is 95cm tall, so quite a big toddler. I have had trouble lifting her for a while so this autumn I introduced other alternatives. When we are out she can choose between walking and the buggy which works quite well but in the house she just has to make it up our flight of stairs by herself because I can no longer carry her (also pregnant at the moment so becoming less and less able to carry her anyway). She can choose to crawl up, or bum shuffle, or whatever, as long as she does it by herself.

The no carrying on the strairs rule was quite controvercial to introduce and was met by quite a few tears but I stuck to it and 90% of the time she was going up and down without fuss. Then DP intervened and said he would carry her. I did object but he said it was his choice and nothing to do with me. He said DD could learn to go up by herself with me and be carried by him.

A few weeks forward we now have a situation where DD goes ballistic at the mention of the stairs and screams until DP (who works from home) comes to carry her. DP is now due to go away for work (2 weeks, back a week and then away for a month, so quite a long time) and I fear I will have to re-train DD about the stairs and she seems to be more wound up about it that before.

I asked DP to re-teach her to go up and down by herself and he refused saying that it was he parenting choice. He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

I think he is being an arse.

Booboostoo Mon 17-Feb-14 09:13:12

A little (super smug) update for anyone who is interested!

As soon as DP left, DD went up and down the stairs all by herself with no fuss and got her special stickers at the top/bottom. As soon as DP came back she asked to be carried by him, which is fine by me but I doubt will be fine by him for very much longer as she throws a mighty tantrum every single time and he gives in every single time. She calls him from work, gets him up from watching TV and even woke him up this morning and made him carry her (DP has a lie in every morning - no one has succeeded in geting him up so far in his life!).

All I can say is Mmmmmmmmwaaaahahahahahahahhaha!

With some ROFL added in for good measure.

Poloholo Thu 30-Jan-14 18:01:00

I hadn't appreciated you were still feeding her. This clearly isn't about the stairs, this is about him trying to retaliate for you doing something he doesn't like.

BratinghamPalace Thu 30-Jan-14 17:50:34

Your husband is being an arse BUT you both need to agree on BF. He should have an input into that and you need to let him. YABU re the stairs though and the child is old enough to know and accept that daddy carries and mummy does not. Simple. Jolly her along. Eg, what book are we reading today? You run along and pick it out. Etc. The act of walking up should not be the issue, what is at the top should be the reward. The book, tickles, bath and so on. Good luck with new baby!

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 30-Jan-14 17:08:02

It's also very confusing for children when a parent is working from home. Ideally the WAH parent is unavailable except in an emergency - as if they were WOH in fact - preferably behind a closed door in a room the children don't use, so they can "get" it.

But if daddy continually nips into the kitchen to get some coffee and another chocolate HobNob and pauses to say "wow I like your tower" then the child begins to think "hey, daddy's at home".

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:36:35

That must be hard, not knowing from one time to the next whether you're in sole charge or whether he's going to swoop in.

I do remember a heated debate with DP about this (actually when DS1 was 2 and I was expecting DS2, hmmm!) and the outcome was that we agreed that the parent who was working needed to act like they were at work, mind their own business and not stick their oar in. This was as much about showing some trust and respect for the parent who was parenting as about the children's behaviour.

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:29:16

I am still breastfeeding her, although DP has had a problem with it almost from the beginning.

puddock I was managing fine before all this. We had gotten over the difficult bit (with all the ideas people are suggesting, i.e. rewards, throwing a toy up the stairs, playing race me up, or finally leaving her to follow), it is DP who has gotten himself into this situation where he hears her cry and runs out to carry her. He also doesn't do it consistently so I still have the tantrums but more distressed than before.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:28:47

And I was about to add that you should ignore/challenge the "weird/babying" remarks that a couple of PPs have made about BFing your daughter at 2.8, but I see you've got that covered :D

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:25:46

How would you like your DP to be when he's working from home and you're in charge of your child?

DP and I both work from home (not at the same time), and I'm just thinking what would happen if DS2 (who's 3 now) started yelling for him to come and carry him up the stairs - which DP can do and I can't.

Answer is, DP would ignore it, and I'd try hard to prevent DS2 from doing it in the first place. DP's working, he's trying to concentrate, I'm in charge of DS2 that day. I'd feel undermined if DP came down to interfere. Obviously he'd come down in a crisis, but I think it's made clear to our DSs that they can't yell for the other parent if they don't like what the one who's taking care of them that day has decided.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Thu 30-Jan-14 16:24:46

He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

OP doesn't say she is STILL breasfeeding her.

softlysoftly Thu 30-Jan-14 16:20:36

Why does it have to be one or the other? DDs play chase with daddy, they love it. They hassle me for it. I Don't and never will play chase, that's a daddy thing.

Daddy lets DD1 (4) have her car seat in the front seat as a treat on daddy days.

She does not get the car seat in the front on mummy days.

On mummy days I listen to the fucking Glee Cd on repeat (argh). On daddy days she has more chance of him learning to fly.

They can understand that different parents have different rules, I think you need to just be no nonsense about it and it sounds like you are babying hea. "Giving her choices" is excellent parenting but it's stairs ffs, just says she gets off her arse and walks down or she stays where she is while you have breakfast and go out!

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:18:16

LaymeDown it's a physical problem for me, I just can't do it and of course I discussed it with him in advance. He knew I was struggling for a while, he knew I told her no more and used rewards to get her up the stairs, he knew it took a while for her to learn and adjust, he knew it was going very, very well and one day he turned up and picked her up. He didn't discuss it with me, or give me an option.

As for the bf babying comments if anyone has any scientific evidence that bf causes psychological problems I would be very interested in the links (I am an academic so peer reviewed journals and academic books please, not made up articles in spurious magazines). She is doing perfectly well in other developmental areas, she goes to nursery with no problems, she is potty trained, she plays very well with other children (never argues, shares, etc.) and she is very helpful about the idea of the new baby talks about how she will change its diaper and teach it how to bf (of course I understand it won't be that easy in reality!).

RunnerHasbeen Thu 30-Jan-14 16:18:04

When I was heavily pregnant, my 20month old had to go up and down herself. She would always go happily (even if she was refusing at first) if I threw her blanket up 5/6 steps and just before she reached it threw it up some more. If she has a teddy or something you could maybe try and turn stairs into a game. Your DH might be happier to play like that than to battle/ discipline (especially as he doesn't see it as his fight)? Surely you can find a compromise or way that works for you both, you are married with children and it must be disrupting his work now.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 30-Jan-14 16:06:14

My 12wo exclusively bf baby has a great bond with his father, as do his two elder extended bf brothers. The bf is a red herring.

Indeed, tandem feeding could help DD's acceptance of new baby, not hinder it.

halfwildlingwoman Thu 30-Jan-14 15:03:42

Oh god, I shouldn't say this, I know, because I'm being a MN cliche. But, I taught a boy with autism who hated stairs and had to be managed very carefully in preparation for going up them.

I'm not going to say that you should stop BF. However, I suspect you may have issues when the baby comes if your DD doesn't feel a bit more grown-up soon. Perhaps that will work with your DP as a reason to re-train her about the stairs. I do also think he's being a bit of an arse though.
If you go upstairs without her and wait she will do herself. My DC can be lazy, but they are quickly motivated with stuff they want to do.

MeMySonAndI Thu 30-Jan-14 14:18:47

I don't think is so much an issue of carrying up and down the stairs but about her learning that you have the right to say no to some requests even if you have no other reason for it than not wanting to do it.

Being 3 and able to go up and down the stairs, being carried up or down is a bonus, not a right.

TeenAndTween Thu 30-Jan-14 14:16:09

I think that you are both 'babying' her a little bit.

You baby her by continuing to BF. (She's going to feel pretty displaced by your new baby unless there is a good gap between her stopping and the new baby).

He in 'retaliation' is babying her by carrying on the stairs when she is able to do it herself.

I think you both need to help her grow up a little bit into the toddler she is. But carrying upstairs at the end of the day when tired is fine. I carried my 9yo upstairs the other day blush.

Acinonyx Thu 30-Jan-14 14:13:07

Presumably she only has an issue with the stairs because she likes daddy to carry her. Very similar here. I totally stopped carrying when dd was 3 - lots of tears and protests and they only way is to be 100% consistent even if you actually don't mind occasionally. Dh continued to carry her and she carried on begging him - but she knew not to ask me. It can work with different rules as long as you, yourself never give in.

Dh often carries her up to bed now and she's 8! He's going away soon and you can be sure I won't be doing it.

nennypops Thu 30-Jan-14 14:11:23

Gosh I think people are being harsh on your DP. You are perfectly right to decide yo can't carry her upstairs anymore, but if DP can why shouldn't he?

Try reading the OP? He shouldn't because it has set back DD's progress, because she is using it to demand that Daddy carries her every time, because it is causing her severe distress when she can't be carried.

Merrylegs Thu 30-Jan-14 14:00:32

Bf is 'your' thing. The carrying is his. He can't bf, you can't carry. He is being an idiot to compare the two, but it's obvious he is feeling excluded and possibly unsure around DD -are they both a little shy of each other?

K8Middleton Thu 30-Jan-14 13:54:28

He sounds like a cock. And wtaf is the breastfeeding stuff all about? Sounds like he could do with a chat with a therapist to explore his issues so he can keep his arse-like tendencies for session discussion only and not at home.

He must have some amazing and as yet unmentioned qualities to make him worth putting up with.

JohnCusacksWife Thu 30-Jan-14 13:54:27

Surely the bigger issue is why a nearly 3 yr old has such an issue with stairs. It's a bit odd, isn't it? If you can sort that out then the carrying/not carrying problem disappears.

blahblahblah2014 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:53:05

and especially if you are sick with the flu as you mentioned

blahblahblah2014 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:52:50

Why are you still BF a child that's nearly 3? Weird IMO....

cafecito Thu 30-Jan-14 13:44:36

I don't think he is being an arse, actually. Simply tell her you cannot do it but he can sometimes - say yourback hurts, or you are pregnant. It won't ruin her being carried up and down the stairs. I am petite and have back pain but I still carry DS, 4, when he is distressed but I often say NO I can't today.

I think you're overanalysing his way of explaining it to you. She is distressed - it's normal to want to help

I also think you might want to keep in the back of your mind any possibility of mobility issues and watch out for any subtle signs.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 30-Jan-14 13:43:51

*he not sheq

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