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To think DP is being unfair carrying DD up and down the stairs

(87 Posts)
Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:09:40

I need some perspective on this, is DP being perfectly reasonable and making his own parental choices, or is he messing up my parenting of DD?

DD is 2.8yo, weighs 14kilos and is 95cm tall, so quite a big toddler. I have had trouble lifting her for a while so this autumn I introduced other alternatives. When we are out she can choose between walking and the buggy which works quite well but in the house she just has to make it up our flight of stairs by herself because I can no longer carry her (also pregnant at the moment so becoming less and less able to carry her anyway). She can choose to crawl up, or bum shuffle, or whatever, as long as she does it by herself.

The no carrying on the strairs rule was quite controvercial to introduce and was met by quite a few tears but I stuck to it and 90% of the time she was going up and down without fuss. Then DP intervened and said he would carry her. I did object but he said it was his choice and nothing to do with me. He said DD could learn to go up by herself with me and be carried by him.

A few weeks forward we now have a situation where DD goes ballistic at the mention of the stairs and screams until DP (who works from home) comes to carry her. DP is now due to go away for work (2 weeks, back a week and then away for a month, so quite a long time) and I fear I will have to re-train DD about the stairs and she seems to be more wound up about it that before.

I asked DP to re-teach her to go up and down by herself and he refused saying that it was he parenting choice. He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

I think he is being an arse.

Juno77 Wed 29-Jan-14 17:11:28

He is being an arse.

loveandsmiles Wed 29-Jan-14 17:12:43

Bum shuffling and crawling upstairs are bad enough, never mind carrying! Why has she never just walked up??

Rosa Wed 29-Jan-14 17:13:11

He is being silly ..she has to learn and at 2.8 she is easily ready to do stairs as you say vertical, on her bum crawling ..whatever.

painpaingoawaycomeagainanother Wed 29-Jan-14 17:13:24

I think he should have stayed on the same page as you because the mixed messages are causing her a lot of suffering.
If he wants to play good cop and have you be bad cop that's not kind to you either.
He has ignored your requests so he can seem like the good guy and needs to get on the same hymn sheet as you for everyone's sake.

arabellarubberplant Wed 29-Jan-14 17:15:33

Does she have mobility issues, op? At 2.8 she should be more than capable of managing the stairs?
I ask because dd2 had to crawl for years up stairs, but really it was unsafe otherwise - she was too big to carry and I was terrified of over balancing with the difference centre of gravity. Even at 10 she terrifies me on the stairs, but at least manages them upright now.

MyNameIsKenAdams Wed 29-Jan-14 17:16:27

Well, id use the time he is away to get her totally forgetting about being carried up.and down the stairs.

How annoying that he continually chooses to undermine you - hope he doesnt continue as she grows!

Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:16:40

loveandsmiles she can and does go up and down the stairs properly, but if she is bored/tired/I don't know what, she has the option to go up on all fours or down on her bum. What I meant is that I try to give her options rather than say "my way or the highway". There is no indication of a physical problem.

livelablove Wed 29-Jan-14 17:17:15

Well I think she might sense it is an issue between you and DP and so she is using it to get some attention from Daddy. It is easier to not let it be a big deal and to just say if Daddy is home he will carry you but if not you have to walk. 2.5 is old enough to understand that. Dont give in just say Mummy cant do it any more as not strong enough and stick to it 100%. You could give her a small reward when she does it with you.

lljkk Wed 29-Jan-14 17:19:06

I think maybe your DH needs to not work from home. That would suit this fast.

LurcioLovesFrankie Wed 29-Jan-14 17:19:32

Crumbs, I am a really slack parent then. We moved from a flat to a house with stairs when DS was 11 months. Within about 2 weeks, he'd made it all the way up both sets of stairs to the attic under his own steam (obviously with me watching) and within another couple of weeks was coming down again (again, supervised). Admittedly until about 4 he liked to be carried up at bedtime, but then I put my foot down 'cos my back just wouldn't take it any more.

Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:24:04

arabellarubberplant I am not aware of a physical problem but if there was one of course I would re-think the whole thing. DD has never been very agile, she never crawled, bum shuffled instead, and for a long time fell down like a log without bending her knees or putting her arms out. I have brought this up with the paediatrician and, for unrelated reasons she also saw a metabolic bone disease specialist, but neither thought it was a problem. They both suggested exercises to strengthen her upper body which have helped a lot.

loveandsmiles Wed 29-Jan-14 17:26:40

Apologies, I misunderstood. Your DP should be supporting you. IMO it is dangerous for you to carry DD on the stairs, especially if you are pregnant ~ terrifying to think of the consequences if you fell.

Hopefully when he is away you can break this habit. Would a reward chart work? Good luck x

Nanny0gg Wed 29-Jan-14 17:27:50

Ask your idiot DP exactly what he expects to happen when he's away?

What will he do if both you and DD fall because of his undermining attitude?

attheendoftheday Wed 29-Jan-14 17:28:05

Wow. He is being VU! Can't he see how much distress he'll be responsible for (in his dd as well as dw) when he goes away.

Also, carrying a 2.8 year old up and down stairs is madness. My dd has done stairs on her own (with me there to catch her if she trips) since 18 months. My 11 month old goes upstairs independently (with me there in case) now.

Poloholo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:29:56

He is being an arse and being inconsiderate of his pregnant wife who will have to cope for substantial periods on her own. Comparing it to breast feeding is ridiculous.

However I think at that age children can understand that different limitations may apply with different people so if he continues to be an arse then I'd hope she can learn that she needs to do it differently with you.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:30:04

Your DP isn't doing anything wrong by carrying his child upstairs, and you are doing anything wrong by refusing to.

Your dd will have to get used to adults doing things differently because it will soon be happening in all areas of her life, and it is something she is old enough to understand.

You won't need to retrain your dd because she will still remember how to do it, you just need to encourage. This is the sort of thing that sticker/reward charts were invented for.

Madmammy83 Wed 29-Jan-14 17:32:50

"His parenting choice"? Sorry??!! Tell him to cop himself on, how would he feel if his pregnant partner had a fall or accident due to his "parenting choice". Fucking idiot, you don't breastfeed for comfort, you breastfeed TO FEED YOUR CHILD. He's being an absolute wanker, what's going to happen when the new baby comes, is the little girl going to be precious just because Daddy will come home and grant her every wish? Maybe you could carry one in each arm? I'd KILL him.

Pimpf Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:14

He is being an utter arse

paperlantern Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:15

he is absolutely being an arse and very undermining

Pimpf Wed 29-Jan-14 17:34:43

He is also teaching her that if she screams and has a tantrum, she will get her own way. Nice one

ProfPlumSpeaking Wed 29-Jan-14 17:36:56

I would be inclined to investigate further. If your DD will cry and scream not to go up/down the stairs, you cannot rule out the possibility that it is causing her some kind of pain, or else that she is frightened of falling for some reason. How is her speech? Can you ask her about it?

If and when you are CERTAIN there are no physical issues then your DP should support you with the no carry rule. If, OTOH, there is the chance that it is physically difficult/ painful for her then she should be carried when your DP is there, and you need to find some other solution (sorry, not sure what - bedroom downstairs?) for when your DP is not there.

WooWooOwl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:38:26

How could the OP falling down the stairs possibly happen as a result of him carrying his child? confused

I think it's understandable that a parent who is away from their child a lot, as this man is, is likely to make his time with her as enjoyable as possible.

If a man can't even carry his own two year old up to bed, then there is something seriously wrong.

hoppingmad Wed 29-Jan-14 17:38:59

What's this got to do with you bf'ing? He's being a petulant arse.
On a different angle climbing stairs is a very good exercise for toddlers to master - it helps with coordination, balance and muscle development. Perhaps put it to him that it is actually beneficial to her.
He sounds like he's locked in a daft power struggle. He's picked a pretty ridiculous battle that never needed to be an issue

goblindancer Wed 29-Jan-14 17:39:07

He is being an arse (and weird!). My dc has been going up/down the stairs since she was 11 months. I can't imagine carrying a nearly 3yo. What are his reasons?!

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