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To go against what dh has said?

(186 Posts)
Edenviolet Tue 28-Jan-14 11:46:10

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

Edenviolet Wed 29-Jan-14 15:35:40

Dh tried a while ago but couldn't get it. I was surprised as he has had lots of surgery for knees and chest which didn't work, has daily dislocations and terrible pain and fatigue.

I was also refused it but all dcs receive it. I wasn't surprised about not getting it myself, I get tired easily and do get a lot of neck and hip pain (hips pop in and out a lot) and have terrible migraines and depression but I expected them to say no but dh is much worse than me.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 15:00:07

Hedgehog does DH claim DLA? Sounds as though he ought to be. It might help with your car situation.

AngelaDaviesHair Wed 29-Jan-14 14:01:50

Please read the thread, that ground has already been covered.

Sadoldbag Wed 29-Jan-14 14:00:19

A- he is right

And even if he wasn't you will undermine him which will likey causes issues with you and him

Rule one of being a parent always agree in public even if you disagree in private.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer Wed 29-Jan-14 13:35:45

DH is right. Regardless of whether she did it on time in the end she still lied to you in the first place.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 13:30:13

Is he feeling bad for not letting her have the stuff?

You definitely need a chat about how to handle this together in the future.

He told her to go to bed & leave her homework, you altered that.
He said that she couldn't have it, you wanted to change that.
Now he's changed the timescale that you set!

You sound as bad as each other!

Edenviolet Wed 29-Jan-14 12:49:01

She has a blackberry but I'm sure I could put reminders on that for her too I will check, it may help with remembering things.

Dd has been in bed all day, her throat is terribly sore poor thing.

Have not had a chance to speak with dh, he was asleep all evening and is having problems at work so have not had a chance, I'm in the middle of trying to sort out applying for a statement for dd2 and have a million other things to do, but I will speak to him about rules/punishments in future needing to be agreed on and carried out.

MusicalEndorphins Wed 29-Jan-14 12:03:24

I'm sorry hedgehog, I know it is hard. I think I saw you on an eds thread one time. It is in our family too. Maybe tomorrow suggest to your dh, or tell him, that you think you two should confer before announcing any changes to dd next time. Hope she gets over the cold quickly.

fascicle Wed 29-Jan-14 11:00:31

I know the situation has moved on, but I completely agree with this:

I'm sorry but if my partner told me instead of discussed with me what to do with my daughter, I'd be mightily pissed off and feel undermined myself.

Your daughter's approach to homework sounds similar to my daughter's (only mine has no health issues, which clearly have an impact). If the current system isn't working, can you discuss together how your daughter would like to manage her homework? Maybe she will approach it better if she feels she's making decisions about how/when it gets done.

Charlesroi Wed 29-Jan-14 10:39:49

As she has an iPhone, can you get her to put homework alerts in to it when she gets home from schoo? So if maths is due on Thursday you get an alert on Tuesday/Wednesday to remind you. I'm pretty sure the iPhone won't get 'lost'

BigBoobiedBertha Wed 29-Jan-14 09:46:12

Just seen the update on this and your DH's U-turn. I would be furious. He has done exactly the same thing to you that everybody has been telling you not to do. It was a silly punishment that didn't match the crime, you have been stuck home all day with DD whinging and then he swans in and pulls the rug from under your feet and looks like father bountiful. I think most have people have been saying you need to have a word but I think that word has changed - you have every right to be the cross one.

horsetowater Wed 29-Jan-14 09:15:38

I don't think she needs counselling, I think she needs rest and tlc. I'm concerned that counselling will make her feel as though she has to deal with this problem alone when really it's really about the family making adjustments.

I'm sure you give her all you can Hedgehog but she is suffering physically. At school she probably feels left out and who knows what else goes on there. Hiding her planner and 'forgetting' her homework is a symptom that it's all getting too much and she can't cope. It might be seen that she is devious or sneaky but there is a reason she's doing this.

Deal with the cause if you can - it's probably a practical thing, to do with physical tiredness.

FudgefaceMcZ Wed 29-Jan-14 07:21:03

YABU to consider going against an agreed and reasonable punishment for lying! I would actually say my dd had to earn the things back through chores if she'd tried this (she does occasionally 'forget' homework, which is annoying as hard to tell if lying or genuine), not when she's ill of course but when recovered. If she's that ill she will be more concerned about getting better than about a phone case so her asking for it is not a sign that you should give in!

MollyDoublyBarrely Wed 29-Jan-14 07:11:35

Oh Hedgehog, i really think you need to have a word with your DH and make sure he knows how this has made you feel. I wouldn't be too happy if I had been the "bad guy" in this situ, only for DH to swan in and look like the big hero at the end of the day!

He needs to know that you need to unite as a couple and follow through with punishment because if you don't, DD will probably just assume that Dad will revoke punishment early every time.

TamerB Wed 29-Jan-14 07:00:10

Have a untitled front. Don't give them to her but discuss it with him, out of her hearing, for future decisions.

ivykaty44 Wed 29-Jan-14 06:33:19

Sounds like you dh is the boss of you all at home and you have to do what he says little woman

frugalfuzzpig Tue 28-Jan-14 22:08:54

He gave in so he could be the good guy again, hedgehog sad angry

Edenviolet Tue 28-Jan-14 21:15:23

Phone counselling may be an option (dd also has pots as well as eds and other conditions) I will look into it.

This sort of thing doesn't happen very often, dh was just so adamant this morning that we must not give in so I was in shock when he did.

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Jan-14 21:13:20

Am I the only one who thinks the OH is too harsh on her? And, for that matter, so are many of the posts here. This is an 11 year old child!

OK, stick together with punishments, though he isn't really doing that, is he? She is so young and has such health problems that I feel sorry for her. Of course you shouldn't spoil her, but perhaps understand a little? Why not sit with her at the weekend and check her homework's done and that it's OK? She can't do PE, she's knackered after a day at school, she has to cram homework into the weekend and then she's totally responsible for it. Give her some leeway here!

frugalfuzzpig Tue 28-Jan-14 21:12:42

Just wanted to add something about the possibility of counselling. Obviously it would seem like adding yet another appointment to get to, BUT therapists could agree to doing their sessions by phone or skype.

I have CFS/ME and POTS so I struggle to travel, and I've been having regular sessions over the phone when I'm not able to get to the hospital.

She may also find it easier because she can literally be in bed or whatever. I am usually in my jammies when I have mine.

Or if it's during school time you could see if you can negotiate a spare office or classroom to take the call.

Sorry if you know that already but just thought I'd mention the phone possibility in case it makes counselling more feasible smile

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jan-14 21:07:33

Thanks for spelling it out, and sorry if you already did upthread.

I cannot see how this situation will change if he heads off to bed before you can talk to him. Does that happen a lot they way today played out?. Before he leaves for work he tells you what to do, and when he comes home there is no further discussion ?

No wonder your dd runs rings round the pair of you

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 28-Jan-14 21:03:20

But jacks it's to be discussed not either parent telling the other.

Edenviolet Tue 28-Jan-14 20:59:43

Dh has EDS, suffers from daily dislocations (knees) and is tired after work.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jan-14 20:56:45

Really ? Is that to do with his condition ? What is it, btw ?

Edenviolet Tue 28-Jan-14 20:47:30

Can't. He's asleep.

Puts dd2 to bed each night, and falls asleep as well. We don't get much chance to talk.

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