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Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

(380 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:06

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date smile

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed.... grin

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 07-Feb-14 16:14:02

grin grin

I just think my DH was very delusional about what the birth meant to other people - hopefully he has now realised that although to us it is going to be amazing, to everyone else it's just something 100's of women do every day and does not really justify a hospital vigil grin

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 07-Feb-14 14:20:33

Ditch the H, keep the PIL.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 07-Feb-14 09:12:17

Eek what an unforgivable spelling mistake I just made grin

Writerwannabe83 Fri 07-Feb-14 08:42:13

Who knew they excisted diddl?! smile

diddl Fri 07-Feb-14 07:57:45

Could also be that much as she wants to see the baby, she doesn't want to bother you just after surgery iyswim.

Well, good heavens, a sensible & dare I say considerate MIL?

Writerwannabe83 Thu 06-Feb-14 22:37:26

I have to admit, I really thought I'd get a mini guilt trip, but nothing of the sort. She is of the same mindset as me, that baby and parents need quality time alone to get to know each other. She was really lovely about it smile

She's very excited at the prospect of pushing baby in the pram because she was never allowed to do that with her other 3 grandchildren, bless her grin

MollyWhuppie Thu 06-Feb-14 22:22:57

Your MIL sounds ace! Why can't they all be like that?!

FWIW I felt horrible on the day of my planned c section - sick, sweaty, itchy, and spaced out from the spinal, as well as the lovely catheter, the usual bleeding down below, and leaking nips! I did not feel up to seeing people. Felt much more human the next day.

youmustbejoking75 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:55:22

Ps well done u and mil!

youmustbejoking75 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:54:40

Yadnbu. I lied twice. Breezily. No phone calls no one worrying etc. No one thought twice or commented. Really when you are having a routine yet major surgery other people are not your concern. Your recovery and well being and baba come first. I also said no visitors at all due to winter vomiting bug. Only partially true! Your dh is bu.

Wantsunshine Thu 06-Feb-14 21:53:04

Great outcome! Maybe you DH should stop second guessing and pandering to his mum when there is clearly no need!!

BakerStreetSaxRift Thu 06-Feb-14 21:52:05

Great news Writer Looks like you've proved that open communication is key smile

Glad you have lovely, considerate in-laws.

Cockadoodledooo Thu 06-Feb-14 21:48:36

Oh, good news! Hope all goes well.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 06-Feb-14 20:38:52

I have just been round to see my in-laws (on my own) and gave them the true date of the c-section. I then pre-warned them they may not be able to see the baby the day it's born for a variety of reasons and MIL interrupted and said, "Don't be silly, we wouldn't impose on you anyway. We will leave you to it for a few days and let you enjoy some time alone and then come and see you after a few days" shock I genuinely wasn't expecting that!

I went home, told my DH who was also quite surprised!!! Maybe he realises now that me having a baby isn't world breaking news grin

Oh I feel so relieved!!!

Inertia Sun 02-Feb-14 13:26:51

While it's something of a step forward that your DH now understands that a CS might actually be exhausting and painful for you, it's still evident that his primary concern is the risk to his mother's feelings about prime grandparent status- this is clearly of far greater concern than the welfare of either you or the baby.

BrandNewIggi Fri 31-Jan-14 17:16:46

They seriously might not make it - you could have your cs at 5pm, take a while in recovery, a while waiting for a bed to open up, lots of checking in on the ward - visiting might coincide with you literally having your first chance to settle in to the ward. Or your cs might be at 9, and by the evening you might be desperate to show off the wee'un. It is much better to be able to play it by ear than have promised anyone they can come that day. It's not like picking up a package at Argos, it's an operation and can't be guaranteed to all be sorted by visiting hour.

falulahthecat Fri 31-Jan-14 17:14:13

Have just read through ALL of the posts now - it's weird how some people seem to think your pregnancy is 'public property', isn't it? Luckily I have so many cousins, 2nd cousins, etc (100+) that babies are old news in my family.

Most people expect you to miraculously give birth right on the due date, so giving a 'due date' is a pretty good idea.

I'm quite private like you, I sometimes think going out and giving birth in the woods with an old crone on hand would be preferable to hospital births but then that's just me grin

Writerwannabe83 Fri 31-Jan-14 17:11:10

falulahthecat : "but I maybe would have not given anyone ANY date "

Believe me, we tried, lol. It just made their questioning and harassment ten times worse grin It was either give them a date to shut them up or emigrate grin

Writerwannabe83 Fri 31-Jan-14 17:09:06

Well thankfully last night he seemed to accept that I might not want visitors that first night (not his parents exclusively, but just anyone) so today was just the icing on the cake.

I told him that I do not mind them knowing the CS date if that's what he wants as long as they know there is no guarantee they can see the baby because that's the pressure I don't want. As long as they understand that, which I'm sure they will, then I will be able to relax. My DH is predicting his parents will be disappointed (his mom in particular) but at least he understand now that their need/wants aren't really a factor.

falulahthecat Fri 31-Jan-14 17:08:22

You are having a major surgery and will be feeling rough - tell your DH that the last thing you need is the added pressure of knowing his parents are 'lurking' in the canteen waiting to pounce as soon as it's visiting hours - but not in those words, obviously! ;p
It's a tricky one, really it's YOUR pregnancy but I maybe would have not given anyone ANY date - it'll get weird if you tell some and not others and they then find out... gah, it's making my head ache.

FairPhyllis Fri 31-Jan-14 16:39:04

This isn't about your family or PILs at all. From what you've said, there's absolutely no indication that they give a pair of dingo's kidneys about the CS date or rushing to the hospital to see you. It's all your husband creating this situation and trying to pressure you out of what you want.

I see he actually hasn't stopped pressuring, has he? He was obviously hoping that woman would provide him with a view to reinforce his own. You got lucky - what would have happened if she hadn't happened to agree with you?

Isn't it ... well, just a bit exhausting to be constantly dealing with someone like this?

Nanny0gg Fri 31-Jan-14 16:35:38

Why should anyone have to be told? where it is written in stone that as soon as a women goes into labour she has to make sure all her family know?

It isn't and they don't - though that changes with subsequent children.

However I do partly agree with SamanthaB - When your own daughter (if you have one) is giving birth you would feel very sad that she has chosen to lie to you. Parents are concerned for their children at any age, whether it is 5 or 45

I was lucky, I was at the birth of my first DGC (looked after that one for birth of DGC2). Obviously knew labour had started for the second one. And I was the first she rang after the birth. Admittedly not a C-section. She was desperate to introduce all of us (GPs and DC1) to the new arrival so we visited as soon as allowed (birthing unit). But even if we'd had to wait, I am really glad I knew what was going on.

You'll do what you want/need to do for a happy and safe birth. Just thought I'd put an alternative view.

2rebecca Fri 31-Jan-14 16:25:03

We didn't tell any relatives until the morning after. Both were born in the middle of the night. My husband went home to bed and rang relatives in the morning

diddl Fri 31-Jan-14 16:14:10

"where it is written in stone that as soon as a women goes into labour she has to make sure all her family know?"

It isn't-but it's your husband who nedds convincing, not us!

Writerwannabe83 Fri 31-Jan-14 15:22:55

Well none of my family, including my parents mind at all that I'm not telling them the date.....

I hardly think just wanting time for me and my husband to enjoy the birth together without having to factor in other people is hardly deceitful and lying. Moral codes??? I think your reaction is a bit OTT really.

Why should anyone have to be told?
where it is written in stone that as soon as a women goes into labour she has to make sure all her family know?

Surely, there are thousands of couples where the woman goes into labour, has the baby and then they tell their family about the birth after it's happened?? Just because my baby's being removed surgically doesn't mean I'm not allowed the same privacy.

diddl Fri 31-Jan-14 15:16:36

"It's the fact that it came from someone who'd had it done that had the effect."hmm

But he's never given birth & never will-so how does his thought of how you might feel carry more weight!

You'd have to be a complete idiot not to know that it can be exhausting/emotional.

It's not much of a leap to think that visitors might be too much straightaway!

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