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Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

(380 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:06

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date smile

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed.... grin

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

PedlarsSpanner Mon 27-Jan-14 08:39:07

What is the arrangement wrt your parents?

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:43:24

They have the fake date - as do all my family. I have told DH that even if his parents do get told on the morning I still don't want mine to know. I want to 'break the arrival news' to family/friends even if he isn't fussed about that experience. Thankfully my parents aren't petty enough to go down the "how come his parents knew and we didn't" route. They will completely understand why I wanted to keep it a secret smile

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow Mon 27-Jan-14 08:45:49

I didn't tell anyone except my brother and sil who were watching my ds1 for me (and that's the only reason I had to tell them!).
I didn't want anyone to know as they wouldn't have known for a normal birth.

Also there is no way id have wanted anyone up that night except ds1 and DH, dont underestimate how much the CS will take out of you - it's major surgery!!!

You need to treat both sets of parents the same though in terms of telling them, so base your decision (and argument) on that.

LoveWine Mon 27-Jan-14 08:46:17

To be honest I can't imagine not telling my own parents (or my husband's parents) about the birth of their grandchild. Not sure why all the secrecy. It's not like they'll be less happy and pleased just because they know the date of the birth. I think YABU.

Lottiedoubtie Mon 27-Jan-14 08:46:31

Yanbu. I wouldn't want people sitting about in the hospital waiting for news either!

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow Mon 27-Jan-14 08:46:45

When people asked me for the date, I told them it was a secret as they wouldn't know the date if I went into labour anyway!

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:49:26

love - they will know straight afterwards, it's hardly "keeping the birth of their grandchild from them" is it?? We aren't going to hide him away for days on end......

I just want people to find out afterwards, like what happens in normal labours, just like pineapple said.

TiredFeet Mon 27-Jan-14 08:49:30

Yanbu, I had an elcs booked and dh and I gave out a fake date/or were vague about timings for precisely the reasons you mention

However, dd decided to surprise even us and showed up early...
So I wouldn't get too worked up about it as there are no guarantees baby will come on the agreed date anyway

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jan-14 08:49:43


Your birth, your baby, your choice

And you are not keeping any secrets, unless you plan to smuggle baby home under cover of night and keep it in a cupboard until it is 18

JethroTull Mon 27-Jan-14 08:52:05

YANBU. I wanted to keep the date of my ELCS a secret but I'm a blabber mouth & was too excited! I totally understand your point though. Good luck.

samandi Mon 27-Jan-14 08:53:05

To be honest I can't imagine not telling my own parents (or my husband's parents) about the birth of their grandchild. Not sure why all the secrecy.

Presumably because the OP's in laws are stark raving bonkers.

Nousernameforme Mon 27-Jan-14 08:54:01

Will his parents keep it a secret though or are they likely to go ringing round asking when other people are going in to hospital for a visit for instance and therefore putting their foot in it?
When I go in which unless it's an induction will be a surprise I will be telling everyone I've gone in and probably updating them and then letting them know when baby is born so the actual birth is not a surprise.
It is up to you I don't think either of you are BU but as it is you that has to go through it i do think he should go along with what you want

Tailtwister Mon 27-Jan-14 08:54:02

YANBU. Both sets of parents are being told in the same way and I think I would feel the same way about breaking the news after the birth.

hazchem Mon 27-Jan-14 08:57:25

I have to say I think I wouldn't tell anyone. Just announce it after the birth. I didn't tell people I went into labour. If you want to keep it a secret I think you OH should respect that. If he want to explain to his parents before hand that you wont be telling them until after the birth so they are prepared for that to happen it might smooth the way.

hiccupgirl Mon 27-Jan-14 08:58:18


I really wouldn't like either my parents or PIL sitting at the hospital all day waiting to see the baby when I'm waiting for a major operation and nervous. You also need to be able to judge if you're up to seeing them that evening or if the next day would be better. Yes, they will be keen to see their grandchild but the world's not going to end if they have to wait a few hours. As long as you treat both sets of grandparents the same, I don't see a problem.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:58:30

samandi - my inlaws are actually really, really lovely, I am very lucky smile

In terms of them ringing round, they have nobody to ring. There is no other family really on my DHs side (except a brother he has no contact with) and his parents aren't close to my parents either. I have a huge family but my PIL wouldn't know how to contact them. If his parents do get told we will tell them it's otherwise a secret and I completely trust they wouldn't say anything.

QueenofKelsingra Mon 27-Jan-14 08:59:32

YANBU. I had to be induced with the DTs and the only people we told were my parents as they were having DS1 for us. We didn't even give a fake date, when people asked I just said yes we had a date but we weren't telling. everyone respected that.

I wouldn't want my own parents, let alone inlaws sitting at the hospital. how intrusive! what if you don't feel up to visitors straight after? I certainly didn't with DS1 and it will put huge pressure on you to agree to see them even if you don't feel up to it if they are already there.

plus what if there are emergencies etc on your date? it is perfectly possible that the date will move and then they will be bugging you on the phone wanting to know what is going on. and your DH will probably feel he has to keep phoning them to let them know what is going on.

sorry, my answer would be a categorical NO!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 09:00:02

Many many posters have complained on various threads about this type of thing about people (usually grandparents) who do turn up at hospital and do stay there all day, usually pestering staff trying to get them to bend the rules and generally making a pest of themselves.

If you do not want this to happen,you need to make sure you make it clear.

Your DH needs to remember it is you having an operation not him.

pootlebug Mon 27-Jan-14 09:00:04

Yanbu. I didn't have a c-section but my husband had assumed he would ring his and my parents to tell them as soon as I was in labour. I vehemently disagreed. The last thing I would have wanted was everyone hanging around the hospital and desperate to come in the moment they are allowed. Immediately post birth, via whatever method, your body has been through a lot and I just needed a few hours with my baby and husband only.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:01:10

hiccup - you're right, I may not even feel up to visitors at all. I'm probably going to look and feel like shit. Part of me is tempted to blanket ban all visitors on the first night anyway and just have it be me, my DH and the baby. I haven't dared cross that bridge with him yet though, lol grin

ll31 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:02:43

I think I'd be hurt if ds went so far as to tell me fake date..... Wouldn't let him know tho. Is this your first child? I've genuinely not met someone so concerned about telling people that theh are making up a date? Really?
I think you should relax and enjoy your pregnancy...

Jeggie Mon 27-Jan-14 09:02:53

I felt like this too. And I know people who didn't want their induction date known either. It is up to you. People like to get involved for some reason, but I felt it was private, can't explain why... intimate I guess. We didn't tell anyone for a few hours after the birth either and it was a special time just the 3 of us.

Annoyingly I accidentally let slip to an old work colleague and got a few texts from others at that workplace the night before which was rather grrrr (nice of them, but still...)

In any case the elcs may get postponed anyway if they are busy or there's any other hiccup. I had a bad cough and they contemplated postponing. You're months away too, loads could change by then. We were vague about the date with in laws and eventually said when we were going in but it probably/might not happen. They seemed to sense our reticence to say and were good about it. My family just heard the announcement. smile

Of course second time around we will need someone to look after lo... So likely to be more open. But everything is different now we've done it once.

Good luck.

Pigsmummy Mon 27-Jan-14 09:03:07

I think that you need to get your DH to understand that it isn't normal behaviour for grand parents to sit in a hospital waiting for a birth tbh.

They wouldn't want to sit in a canteen for several hours would they? They can visit baby when baby arrives.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Mon 27-Jan-14 09:03:31

Time for a hormonally fuelled tantrum perhaps?? wink
Thankfully our entire family is quite reasonable in issues like this, which is good because DP is a bigger blabber mouth than me! confused
Im not sure what, other than a prolonged and in depth tantrum it works for me you can do atm.
I suppose, in terms of them being in the way, even if they are holding a vigil in the hospital canteen, you don't HAVE to see them. You can just make it quite clear to the staff of whichever ward you are on, that you DO NOT want any visitors. DP can go find them and tell them the news at his leisure then.

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