To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?(534 Posts)
This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:
There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.
There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.
Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.
Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.
My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.
I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.
One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.
I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.
So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?
Also two of them have offered to bring some food along too. And the gobby friend sent me a long private message last night thanking me for all the trouble I'm going to and for inviting them all into my home. I reminded her that in actually fact it was SHE who invited everyone to mine and I had agreed at the time but the way they were all acting was putting me off. She was quite apologetic on behalf of everyone including herself, I suppose and I guess that sort of calmed me down a little.
i would cancel and invite people i do like
seriously you dontlike them what have you got to lose?
you will only gain by getting such arseholes out of your life surely?
fs2013 I hear you when you say having this many people over isn't normal but in our culture, we kinda do this often with family. I love having family and friends over and host dinners quite regularly. The only difference is usually I do it for a bunch of people who I like and are a lot more gracious and less expecting.
We had a get together with a group of my real friends from college last year. We all brought a dish and everyone brought presents for the friends whose house we met at. There was no nastiness and demands and everyone tidied up and washed up afterwards leaving the friend whose house it was on the sofa with a cuppa. It was such a nice get-together. Completely different from this lot.
Wow well I for one think this whole goings on is doing you a world of good. You have set boundaries and limits and have been pretty firm now with these people about what is and isn't acceptable. And judging from the latest messages they are starting to thank you and respect you for it. So I think you're doing pretty damn well now and am quite impressed. Kudos to your DH as well for not letting hem rattle his chain!
Diet, I'm glad that more has been said and some apologies have been made and I think I should probably apologise for thinking that you are a bit of a people-pleasing pushover (should I?)
I don't blame your DH for not wanting to be there, but there is still no reason he should need to go out!
I really hope it goes ok, and that you do get to enjoy it, at least partly - and I hope that they are ALL very grateful to you for putting yourself and your family out so much to accommodate all their demands.
TBH I think you've actually had an impact on them! They have realised individually that you are being kind and generous and you've had individual apologies etc.
See what happens when you grow some balls
fanjolina I've come to view the whole episode as a goodbye to them. I won't tell them I won't be seeing them again but if I am going to end a friendship with these people, I'd much rather do it nicely. I know I sound awfully diplomatic about it but I'd much rather have them over and move on without any nastiness than end the friendship by cancelling dinner on them and telling them all to get lost.
As others have said, I don't need them in my life and have much more valuable friendships to nurture and enjoy. I won't miss them a bit but I don't want to part with hard feelings either.
If I have grown a set of balls, you can all take the credit for it . I am a people pleaser tbh, but I can also be a bloody rude cow at times too. I guess I always thought of myself as frank and this has shown me that I'm not always that but sometimes the complete opposite.
Congratulations then for a) realising that you needed to and b) actually getting the backbone (not balls, they're soft and squishy and VERY vulnerable) to stand up for yourself.
Very proud of you OP. has been a good reflective situation for you, you've grown a backbone and you're taking a dignified stance in having one last get together, and going out of your way for it too!
So many missed opportunities to cancel.
And with people you think are bitches.
Are you going to be wearing a hair shirt all day as well?
I'm starting to think this isn't real
Who paints the whole house for people just coming for lunch
They probably won't see half the rooms !
Best of British today OP...
And here is a pavlova...
It's all over. The last ones left just about a half hour ago. Totally shattered but believe it or not, it was a nice day. Will fill you all in tomorrow hopefully.
Still got a few last minute Sunday night duties to see to and have little energy preserved to get them done.
Glad you had a nice day after all the hassle!
pussycatdoll, it was for a weekend stay initially and as I mentioned, it was on my list of things to do anyway. Having visitors over has always been an excuse to knuckle down and get things done in the house so this was just one of those things. Don't tell me that's not normal.
Also, if I wanted to make it up, I'd make up a story that was much more imaginative than having a few friends over for dinner. I'd invent a secret admirer who left a long stemmed single red rose on my car bonnet each day..... or a pet goldfish that had the ability to predict the stock market and give me secret signals .... or even better- an invisible elf that came and ironed all the school uniforms and laid them out on the beds every Sunday night.
Did you shout out as the final one left "And that's the last you'll be seeing of me!"?
What a bunch of entitled babies (apologies to all babies who are more mature than these people.)
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