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Ex threatening court, unborn baby

(144 Posts)
marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:49:46

Posting here for more traffic as need so advice urgently.

Currently 40+6 and been having a slow early labour for 3 days now.

Last week or so (basically from my due date) my ex has been absolutely vile towards me - sending angry abusive text messages, telling me what a bad parent I'll be, how I'm mentally unstable (I'm not), how he will be taking me to court and he is going to show them what kind of person I really am.

I asked him why? I have not refused contact once the baby is born. I have said I won't be putting him on the birth cert initially and this is one of the reasons he will take me to court - to gain his 'rights'.

I am with my long term partner (ex was a fling during a break in my relationship - not proud of it but there you go). Ex is so angry, he is badmouthing me to anyone who will listen and has now started talking about turning my mum against me (which would never happen as we are very close).

I don't know what my first steps should be. I obviously am trying not to get too stressed because I don't want to cause problems with the birth, but I am so upset. This person is foreign and I'm scared he will get parental rights, then a passport and take her away from me.

marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:51:10

I should say, the main reason for not putting his name on cert straight away is because he has hinted that he would take her away from me (to his home country).

WilsonFrickett Thu 23-Jan-14 12:54:42

I hope someone will be along to give you advice specifically wrt to the birth cert, which seems to be your most pressing issue. Meantime, ignore, ignore, ignore your Ex. Keep all texts and keep a diary of all contact, threats, etc.

He won't take you to court, he's just throwing his weight around. But even if he does, it won't get him anything more than you're prepared to give, and the fact he is bullying and threatening you will play against him.

Please, please try and put this from your mind - switch your phone off if poss, switch off your social media (except MN!) and try to relax. Is someone with you?

MimiSunshine Thu 23-Jan-14 12:55:42

He's just blustering. Text him back and say "if you continue to send these messages I will report you to the police for harassment" then ignore. For now though, buy a sim only card and give everyone else your new number then you don't need to see any further messages from him.

Text him from your original number when baby arrives to let him know and arrange a visit (I'd suggest your mum rather than DP is there - no need to antagonise him). But make sure you let the hospital know he's not allowed in.
He never needs to know he doesn't have your main number and you can deal with his drama when you are feeling up to it.

ovenbun Thu 23-Jan-14 12:56:24

please ring your phone company and block him from your phone, ask a relative or friend to be a point of contact between you both. then explain that if he continues this behaviour you will be contacting the police because it is harassment, save the texts for court.

he is probably being all mouth and no trousers.

marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:59:02

Hi Wilson,
Thanks for your reply. My mum has been here most of today but gone now as I needed a bath to ease these contractions.
What do you mean that he won't get more than I'm prepared to give? He seems to think if he paints me as an unstable bad person / mother then he will be given whatever he wants. He thinks he is being clever making false accusations about me and my partner via texts.

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 23-Jan-14 13:01:57

May I point out

myrubberduck Thu 23-Jan-14 13:02:57

please please please have a look at the Home Office website which has very good advice about preventative steps that you cant take to make it harder for someone to abduct a child and take him/her abroad. Do not permit him to have unsupervised contact until you have done this and TBH I would not let him have any kind of contact with the child at all if he has made this kind of threat.

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 23-Jan-14 13:03:15

That the court will be able to be told who was sending who threatening messages.

And get the passport fast as you can, the baby can only have one.

Asheth Thu 23-Jan-14 13:05:29

Keep those texts - a good father does not harass and threaton the mother of their child when she's pregnant/in labour (or any other time but those times seem particularly bad) So the only person he'll be painting in a bad light is himself.

Chunderella Thu 23-Jan-14 13:13:22

Oh marley, I remember your last thread and was hoping things had calmed down by now.

First of all, good luck with the birth. Does your midwife know what's happening? You might want to tell her. She will be really unhappy that you're having this stress and threats heaped on you in labour, and I would say your care providers may be better able to help you through the birth if they know what you're having to deal with.

Secondly, as discussed on the last thread DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, AT ALL, EVER, WHATEVER HE SAYS, DO NOT DO IT. He will have to apply to court if he wants parental responsibility, as you aren't married, and shit like this will make it less likely. Obviously keep the texts. If he has threatened to remove the baby to his home country, report it to the police. You can apply to the court for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent this if necessary, though he would need PR to remove the child anyway.

Thirdly, I would never normally tell a woman how to feed her child, because that would make me a cunt, but you might like to know that a bf baby is not going to be removed from her only source of nourishment. I'm not saying an ff one would be likely to either, but if you're open to either feeding method, just be aware that ebf will be more advantageous for you in terms of minimising contact. Just something to consider.

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 23-Jan-14 13:21:48

Keep all the texts and ring 101 and report him as harassing and threatening you and threatening to abduct your child when its born. Show them the proof of this and visit a solicitor to make sure you legally have all the protection in place should he actually try anything. Its unlikely but if you have the preventative steps in place before he makes a move it makes things run a lot smoother if he ever does.

marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 13:22:06

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I will get a new phone number ASAP - I have just had another vile text from him even after I basically pleased with him to leave me alone and not cause me stress.

Thanks Chunderella - unfortunately things are just getting worse. He seems to have worked himself up into such a frenzy, the things he comes out with are unbelievable.

I will be breast feeding (hopefully) and I do feel some comfort that she can't be taken away from me during that time for extended contact visits etc.

I have kept all of his text threats. He does have a way of twisting things to make it seem like I am the one in the wrong, but hopefully the courts will be able to see through that.

He has been clever enough not to put his threat of taking the baby out of the country in writing - so it would be my word / his future actions basically. Would they take this seriously anyway do you think?

Chunderella Thu 23-Jan-14 13:26:28

Yes, potentially. It's also a good idea to have some 'official' record of them too, so do mention to your MW or GP if you've not already. You want to think about being able to demonstrate all this in a court, if it comes to it.

Pigsmummy Thu 23-Jan-14 13:27:29

Ask him to stop sending you abusive messages, turn off phone and concentrate on your baby and birth. All this noise can wait. Keep the messages.

Make sure that the hospital reception staff and midwife staff know not to let this man contact you or access you during labour.

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 23-Jan-14 13:27:33

Along with the other texts to back up his attitude they should do. Don't respond and he will spin further out and eventually trip himself up.

Sadoldbag Thu 23-Jan-14 13:29:45

Personally do not put him on the brith certificate
Also let him take you to court lol

1- he won't be able to take you to court he will have to go to mediation and they decided if he will get leave to go to court which in its self can take some months and is not cheap about £200

2- then if he gets leave to go to court which he won't mediators have been told to keep all custody contact cases out of court but if he dose he WILl not get legal aid so I will have to foot the bill himself these things coat thousands so unless he's got a spare 6k lying about then he won't have a chance

WilsonFrickett Thu 23-Jan-14 13:38:16

Because sweetheart, if he rocks up at a court and say 'I want residency, or 50:50 care, or three days a week, or whatever' of a newborn baby, they will not say 'oh, OK then.' It's not in the best interests of the child. He thinks he holds all the cards and he does not. At all. That's all in his head. Newborns have to spend 99% of their time with their mother especially if you ebf

In time, yes, when a child's needs can be met by another caregiver time spent away from the mother can be extended. But not if the other person in this equation has form for bullying and intimidation.

Do what you're doing, continue to offer supervised contact post-birth, keep the texts, keep records of contact offered vs how often he turned up for it, speak to your community MW about his threats (official records) do not put him on the birth certificate, get a passport as soon as you can and keep it somewhere safe. And be calm. He is trying to intimidate you but he has nothing.

NynaevesSister Thu 23-Jan-14 13:38:56

I may have said this on the other thread. Keep a log of every phone call and incident as it happens. Keep the texts etc and have them printed.

If he takes you to court, and I would be surprised if he does, he can say what he likes but thd judge won't have a bit of it without proof. The judge will be willing to accept anything that was clearly written at the time. Which is why I suggest keeping a log in your own hand.

Do not give him unsupervised access until you are absolutely forced too.

Do give him access or the opportunity for access but be specific.

A friend was taken to court by her Ex on the basis that she was refusing access to his child. When the Judge found out that she provided access every Sunday for him and every Weds eve he ripped the ex a new one and threw the case out.

I'm no suggesting you should be even that accommodating but if you have made clear provision for him to see the baby on multiple occasions, he will have to justify to the court why he didn't take these up.

He will look like a raving mad twat.

WilsonFrickett Thu 23-Jan-14 13:41:00

He seems to think if he paints me as an unstable bad person / mother then he will be given whatever he wants.

That's what he thinks. It is not true, though.

Please go for your bath and try and relax. Sounds like you could be on your way? Can we post some nice things about the baby, would that make you feel more relaxed <genuine question> or are you going to put the MN down for a bit?

nennypops Thu 23-Jan-14 13:42:23

I recall from the other thread he said he would not pay maintenance, or if he did, only on the basis that the money would go into an account only he would have access to. Do make sure you get onto the Child Support people so they can deal with this. If he starts demanding parental rights without paying maintenance, the courts won't be impressed.

MrsGarlic Thu 23-Jan-14 13:45:15

Oh gosh, I think I remember a previous post of yours on this topic. Sounds absolutely terrifying.

He sounds like he is just trying to intimidate you. Not what you need right now!

I know you know he is the father, but for all he knows, he might not even be!

Shitehawke Thu 23-Jan-14 13:50:08

Can your partner adopt the baby? Might put a stop to future drama if you can swing it???

Shitehawke Thu 23-Jan-14 13:52:05

Oh MrsGarlic, I am glad you said it! I've been biting my tongue! Can't you refuse DNA?

Chunderella Thu 23-Jan-14 13:59:03

She can refuse DNA now, but a court can order it. However, it's expensive to apply for contact, PR etc and it also usually takes several months to get a hearing date. During this time, the baby will stay with her. If and when there is a hearing, his threats will need to be discussed. I would argue that his behaviour now constitutes domestic violence, as he has been abusive and threatening.

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