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AIBU or is my new DH?

(414 Posts)
Hadenough8 Thu 23-Jan-14 08:30:33

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.


Hadenough8 Thu 23-Jan-14 08:45:14

We didn't live together before. He would just come and stay for weekends.

Before we were married he was totally different and I really didn't think it would be an issue.

He did apologise after we argued about it and said he was wrong. However, last night I mentioned I have to go to local supermarket to pick up a few bits and asked did he need anything. He responded with giving me a lecture about spending money that we cant afford and you don't HAVE to go, remember that petrol has to last a month etc, etc.

which resulted in another argument and his apology was obviously not sincere and his resentment obviously continues.

KiwiBanana Thu 23-Jan-14 08:45:55

I think the OP gets now that this should have been discussed, no need for everyone to keep pointing that out!

He is being very unreasonable OP. Is he this selfish with anything else or just money?

Summerblaze Thu 23-Jan-14 08:46:17

What a selfish dick you have married. I firmly believe that once you are a partnership, all money goes in one pot, bills taken from that pot and anymore left over is for the family to spend/save.

When we got married i earned more. Now we have dc and work part time, dh earns more. Swings and roundabouts and what it is like being part of a team.

I couldnt live with someone who was such a greedy bastard.

Grennie Thu 23-Jan-14 08:48:00

I am totally shocked at your husband's behaviour. Please, whatever you do, don't have a baby together unless things change dramatically.

He is acting as if he is a single man who is living in a shared house, rather than a family. If you are acting as part of a family, why would you want your wife and step children to struggle financially while you have lots of disposable income?

This should be the time when he really wants to make you happy and is treating you extra well. The fact that he is behaving like this already is extremely worrying.

Only1scoop Thu 23-Jan-14 08:48:01

So Op he is now resentful of you buying....FOOD angry

hoobypickypicky Thu 23-Jan-14 08:49:31

It's too late and not helpful to tell the OP she should have sorted money matters out prior to marriage. She knows that now, give her a break! smile

Hadenough8, sit him down and explain to him very clearly that he lives as part of a family now, not as a flatsharer. He has taken on two children as his own and if he can't do that then he has absolutely no place in their lives. He needs to be given a stark choice - to accept that the children's financial welfare is a shared responsibility or to fuck off out of their home right here, right now.

That he "wants to start court proceedings" to see the kids he hasn't seen for two years is a red herring. If he gave a shit about them he'd have started those court proceedings 2 years ago. Support him to see his children by all means - though what you want with a man who hasn't seen his own kids for 2 years is beyond me and why you'd put him in a house with yours is a mystery - but don't let him use that "poor me, poor my kids" wail as an excuse to shit on yours, because that's all it will be.

SavoyCabbage Thu 23-Jan-14 08:50:14

This reminds me of my mums friend who I saw yesterday. She married when her and her dh's dc were older teens. They have been married thirty years.

She has had this all her life. She would have to pay for the lightbulb in the dining room as she used that room most, she had to replace the spare room carpet as her daughter slept there more often etc . He charged her 50p for a lift to work.

He has left the house and everything in it to his daughter who is in her fifties. He even tried to get the widows pension his dw will be entitled to paid to his dd.

The dw has had a miserable life for thirty years constantly talking about money and who should pay for what.

Summerblaze Thu 23-Jan-14 08:50:54

Feltpaper. So you dont want to support him with his ventures but when you want a baby you will happily take his money. Wow, very equalshock.

feltpaperchains Thu 23-Jan-14 08:51:20

My dad had 2 of us and his partner had 2, he paid for us she paid for them, but bills and food were jointly paid. It seemed to work for them.

cornflakegirl Thu 23-Jan-14 08:52:06

You do need to sit down and have a calm, unemotional discussion about money and your attitudes to spending. And how you support all four children.

But I don't like the way so many posters are saying you need to pool money. Lots of people make it work in different ways. You need to work out what is right for you.

feltpaperchains Thu 23-Jan-14 08:52:23

Summerblaze It will be both of our baby, his idea of living on the dole and doing art is not both of our baby so yes it is fair.

Hadenough8 Thu 23-Jan-14 08:52:46

Kiwi, I am beginning to see a very selfish, irrational side that either wasn't there before or I didn't notice. Maybe a good advert for living together before marriage!

For example he sat there during dinner saying how he had seen a nice jumper he was going to buy for himself, he was going to go and join a gym etc. Then later I mentioned I was going to go to the supermarket to pick up a few things for a recipe and I get a lecture about how we cant afford to spend money and I should drive the car if I HAVE to, to save on petrol money!

Grennie Thu 23-Jan-14 08:54:49

Savoy - That is so so sad.

My mum has a friend whose husband earns a really good wage. He gives her a small bit of "housekeeping". While he goes out to expensive golf club lunches, she struggles to afford the bus fare to visit my disabled mum. I would hate to live like this and I think if you really love someone, you would not want to treat them like this.

BruthasTortoise Thu 23-Jan-14 08:55:46

Any person that marries someone with DC, especially minor and resident DC, and doesn't treat them as children of the family is a bad egg. If he doesn't have a massive change if attitude very very soon then I would leave him. Are you and your DC worse off because he has moved in btw? If you were previously getting tax credits I'd assume they've stopped?

Summerblaze Thu 23-Jan-14 08:56:16

But his living on the dole should be both of your decision too. If it is not agreed by the two of you then he should not do it or go about it another way. If he has no job, how will he pay for you and a baby anyway.

Grennie Thu 23-Jan-14 08:56:21

Hadenough - Please don't let this drift. Talk to him frankly about how this has to change.

And if he doesn't, please don't let pride keep you in an awful relationship.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

Is he paying for those kids? Why are you with someone who hasn't seen their kids for 2 years?

He is basically letting your children subsidize him as he certainly isn't paying 3x more electric with them in the house is he? As an adult he would have paid half if they were someone else. Nice for him I guess.

Divorce him you made a huge mistake.

How long were you together before you got married?

feltpaperchains Thu 23-Jan-14 08:57:35

He is obviously very scared. It's one thing having a girlfriend, quite another trying to live in a domestic situation harmoniously and everyone feeling their needs are being met.
I agree with cornflake, you really crucially need to sit down and discuss this in a non emotional way. It wont get any better without heaps of discussion an listening.
Good luck.

hoobypickypicky Thu 23-Jan-14 08:58:47

"when I'm working my DP wants to cut his hours right back so he can get into creative pursuits. Fine, but not at my expense."

Feltpaper, I agree with you entirely, you haven't got children so shouldn't be expected to work to pay for your non working/part time working partner's luxuries, but the OP has got kids, it's a completely different situation.

Monetbyhimself Thu 23-Jan-14 08:58:54

Why on earth would you expect someone who hasn't seen their children for 2 years ti be a decent, selfless man ?

etoo Thu 23-Jan-14 08:59:08

Wow, this sounds crazy. I'm not one to jump on the LTB bandwagon but in all honestly unless he very quickly (like, today) changes his attitude to this a divorce may well be the best option.

sebsmummy1 Thu 23-Jan-14 09:01:32

This is a very bad sign one month in.

My Mother and Father have this sort of relationship. My father quibbles with her over a fiver, if she goes to the supermarket and buys food for him he owes her that money etc. It is totally toxic and they have not had a happy marriage.

Financial harmony is one if the cornerstones to a healthy relationship IMO, and you don't have it. Because you don't have it you will bite your tongue, start simmering and harbouring resentments and this will erupt into frequent petty disagreements.

I don't know what you can do really as you cannot change his mindset. It is obvious he doesn't see your children as his family. He is keen to reestablish a connection with his own children and will only resent any other commitments that stop him from doing that.

I know I seem like a total drama llama but I would be looking into annulment.

feltpaperchains Thu 23-Jan-14 09:01:43

Summerblaze You can't stop someone from living how they wish to live, if he wants to do that it's up to him, as long as it's viable, I would resent it affecting me negatively though especially if I was working hard all week. When and if we have a baby, he would work to support us because he's a decent man, so it's a non-issue.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 23-Jan-14 09:02:49

You have really poor judgement, you married him knowing his situation and how he treats his own kids, you didn't have that all important discussion of how your household will be run, you didn't live together to see how he adjusts to your kids. Hope you finally see the light and make the right decisions.

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