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To want to get married?

(57 Posts)
QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 15:48:24

My DP and I have been together for just over 10yrs, he treats my DD as his own and we have 3 sons together. We have our ups and downs but as yet, no sign of us calling it a day and we are in the main happy together I think. In the early stages of our relationship, we talked about marriage, seemed a given that we would do it..along came the kids and it has been put on the back burner.

I am 35 this year and, half jokingly suggested we set a married before I am 40. I am now half crying at the response..which was basically a massive fob off along the lines of 'well, something to think about, lots of money etc etc'. I responded with 'all I am saying is that we either want to get married or we don't, so if its the former then we can at least look at the feasibility of it'. I was not expecting the silence and cut off of conversation that followed.

My DP is a straightforward man, if he wanted to marry me then he would have said so. AIBU to be quietly devastated? Where does it leave me when my partner of a decade doesn't want to commit to being with me forever. I am so so sad.

jumperooo Thu 23-Jan-14 14:59:46

You can get married at a registry office for about £100. It's the wedding party that costs more. We are getting married for the sake of our baby and to legally protect all three of us should anything happen. Otherwise we are not that fussed about marriage. I guess we don't feel it validates our feelings. But we gave a child together, so.We've booked the date. No guests, no party or anything. We do need to ask two people to come and be witnesses. I fully expect our friends to think its weird not to want the whole wedding experience, but we just dont. The wedding industry has a lot to answer for in my opinion. You need to talk to your dP and find out what his real feelings are. Money is a smokescreen.

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-Jan-14 14:59:47

OP - If I was you, I'd sit him down, say that you know that after years together, it might seem a bit of a faff, but that as you are getting older, and have more assets, you really need to sort out the legal side if something happened to one of you. Say that you want to be marriage, and while you'd like a big wedding, you don't need it, it's the marriage bit that's important to you.

If he really doesn't want to get married, then you need to see a solicitor to make sure you are covered legally if something happened to one of you (perhaps use the example that you'd like it to be him, not your mum, who got to make the decision to switch off your lifesupport if it came to it, you'd like him not, your mum to make any decisions if it came to you needing care).

Chunderella Thu 23-Jan-14 15:06:14

Not half as confused as she is...

Either way, her utter failure to comprehend that correlation is not causation and her feeble attempts to discredit the importance of distinguishing between the two when challenged pervade much of her work. There is a great deal of the former in the article you linked to. It's a poor piece of work, and is not a good way for OP to make her case for marriage.

2rebecca Thu 23-Jan-14 15:14:22

I'd find out the costs and practicalities of a cheap registry office wedding and going home or to a pub or local restaurant later. I think committed couples don't get married often because big weddings are too much hassle and seem silly when you've been together for years. I wouldn't have children without marriage though and am amazed so many women do.

QueenofallIsee Fri 24-Jan-14 10:58:07

Thank you all for the constructive comments and help, I appreciate very much the folks that have dredged up articles and information for me to help.

For those that scorn children born to unwed couples as a poor decision on the part of the woman (many folks saying that they don't understand women who do that, as if it is entirely on the female)..I will accept that on the chin when you confirm that you did not have premarital sex either. For my situation, I fell pregnant unexpectedly with twin babies by a wonderful man who was excited to plan a future with me. We took precautions and still conceived. As he and I were in a committed relationship, of course we proceeded with the pregnancy. We focused on parenthood and loved it so much that we had another son quickly. I chose a man who is responsible, financial stable, generous with his time and attention, close to his lovely family who treat me as their own and a good example to our kids. I don't think I made a poor choice then and I don't think so now.

Actually come to think of it, you have reminded me neatly of why we are together. So maybe this weekend chat won't be a big thing after all

2rebecca Fri 24-Jan-14 16:38:57

If I had accidentally found myself pregnant with a man who was excited to plan a future with me I would have made it clear that getting married before the babies was born for the legal protection of marriage was important to me. I find it odd that you didn't have that discussion or had it and decided not to bother.
I wouldn't marry someone just because I got pregnant but if we intended to stay together I see no reason not to get married when pregnant. Money would be tight often if unexpectedly pregnant but a basic wedding either church or registry office isn't expensive.

conclusionjumper Fri 24-Jan-14 16:47:58

I think it's pretty easy to imagine that if you were having twins you might think that marriage was something you could put off till later thoughhmm

There was a very good programme about the importance of marriage for women on the R4 but there should be more about it. So many people still think they have rights as a common law wife when no such figure exists in law.

OP I hope your DP is just one of those put off by the fuss of the wedding and when you've hammered home the importance he'll be willing to agree to it. And have the wedding you want too - my DH wanted to go abroad to get it done but I couldn't imagine doing it without my friends and family.

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