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To want to get married?

(57 Posts)
QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 15:48:24

My DP and I have been together for just over 10yrs, he treats my DD as his own and we have 3 sons together. We have our ups and downs but as yet, no sign of us calling it a day and we are in the main happy together I think. In the early stages of our relationship, we talked about marriage, seemed a given that we would do it..along came the kids and it has been put on the back burner.

I am 35 this year and, half jokingly suggested we set a married before I am 40. I am now half crying at the response..which was basically a massive fob off along the lines of 'well, something to think about, lots of money etc etc'. I responded with 'all I am saying is that we either want to get married or we don't, so if its the former then we can at least look at the feasibility of it'. I was not expecting the silence and cut off of conversation that followed.

My DP is a straightforward man, if he wanted to marry me then he would have said so. AIBU to be quietly devastated? Where does it leave me when my partner of a decade doesn't want to commit to being with me forever. I am so so sad.

IHatePopUpTents Wed 22-Jan-14 15:53:28

I think you have to consider that to some people men they don't see the point in marriage.. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to spent the rest of his life with you, it may just mean he doesn't want to spend £££££ telling it to the world!

It might be worth discussing it with him with this in mind?

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 15:55:20

I suppose you might be right - it is just that originally, he was dead keen to marry and it seemed to be just circumstances that stopped us. It feels like he loves me less now (drama queen anyone)

TwoJackRussellsandababy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:56:37

I think you might need to sit down with him and explain how you feel.

Weddings can be as expensive as you want to make them after all it doesn't need to be very costly and if he is very practical, the tax implications of not being married are not good!

Poledra Wed 22-Jan-14 15:59:03

Do you mean you want to be married or do you want a big wedding? Because he might be concerned about the cost of a big wedding but be OK with marriage. Some people (my best friend included) hate the idea of being the centre of attention all day, and all the hoo-ha surrounding a big wedding.

I'm not knocking big weddings, BTW - I had one and enjoyed every minute, but just trying to see if that's what the issue is for your DP.

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 15:59:23

You are right of course, we need to talk about it. I hate the idea of marriage becoming something to row over or worse, that he feels pressured into it. I blithely assumed he would say 'of course we will get married dear'..the awkward silence was excruciating

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 15:59:51

I just want to be married, happy with a small do.

I personally think he made more of a commitment to you when he had 3 children with you.

yummystepford Wed 22-Jan-14 16:03:38

Make sure you let him know that it's not about the wedding, it's hard to explain to a man why that piece of paper is important to us! I mostly just want to be able to call him my husband and have his name, I do not and will not have a wedding, the idea to me is horrible, I am hoping we can elope before the baby is born lol

CaptainTripps Wed 22-Jan-14 16:03:52

I feel sad for you. I don't get this whole 'oh lots of blokes don't want to commit/don't see the point' bollocks.

It's having all the cake and eating it on his part.

But then, as Judge Judy would cruelly say, 'you picked him...'

I hope you can talk him round, Queen.

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 16:05:27

I agree Betty.

I suppose I thought why wouldn't we get married, we have 3 lovely kids and home and a life that we enjoy. Now a little dark voice has crept in...he loves me less than he did before the children, he will probably leave you when they are older etc etc. I know to some people marriage is unimportant - in fact it would be my 2nd marriage (I was married to DD's Dad). If we never did for practical reasons I would probably be OK with it. It was that silence and lack of reassurance that has done it I think.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 22-Jan-14 16:05:53

He may well think that it's not very relevant as you live together and have several DC. He quite probably thinks that you and he are 'common-law husband and wife.' He is wrong on this, and I would suggest having the discussion from this angle. Are you legally protected if he should drop dead? Do you have a mortgage? Does he have relatives who would push you aside to get at his assets if he died?

You can simply book an appointment with a registrar, drag a couple of tramps off the street to be witnesses, say the words and sign the book and you will be married, so you could offer that as an option.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Wed 22-Jan-14 16:05:55

do you want a marriage or a wedding.

The legal part is £115 in my local registery office if done mon-thur. that's for the notice and simple ceremony.

A wedding can be as cheap or as expensive as the couple wants.

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 16:06:51

Thank you Yummy and Captain for your support - I know to some its a small thing. I even thought it was to me..until I considered he may refuse.

He doesn't love you any less, he is just settled, complacent even, probably thinks its a load of hassle and if it ain't broke why fix it. Maybe just have a serious chat with him, point out its not a massive wedding you want but just that bit of paper.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Wed 22-Jan-14 16:08:33

Maybe he felt that it was a sign that you were unhappy with your relationship as it stands. You need to talk to him and explain exactly how you do feel. Some people change their minds about things like this, some people worry that they are going to trapped and there are statistics (you can prove anything with statistics) that lots of long term relationships flounder after marrying. He may be worried that you are trying to fix cracks that he doesn't know about or change the dynamics of a relationship that he sees as perfect as it is. You won't know unless you talk to him.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Wed 22-Jan-14 16:11:06

show him this website, a marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Wed 22-Jan-14 16:11:19

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 16:11:55

Thank you all. I will have to speak to him - I am a bit scared about that to be honest! Totally ridiculous to feel like that..I am just worried I have opened a drawer that I can't close now and his response may rock us further. That might sound a bit alarmist I know

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 16:12:17

Thank you forty I will have a look

Chunderella Wed 22-Jan-14 16:58:32

Yanbu, as it was understood in the early days that you would marry. He's the one who has unilaterally moved the goalposts. You don't mention whether you have wills, next of kin provisions etc, but if you don't then in your position I'd give him an ultimatum. It absolutely has to be either marriage or a trip to the solicitor to find out whether any of the legal protections offered by marriage are relevant to you and, if so, to put them into place. One of the two.

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 17:08:37

Thank you Chunderella (cool name btw). I am going to brave it and see how we go. I think if nothing else, he needs to know how sad it has made me.

TeacupDrama Wed 22-Jan-14 17:15:21

say you want marriage not a wedding as such if he agreed to marry just the 2 of you at registry office would that be enough for you or do you also want some sort of small wedding?

QueenofallIsee Wed 22-Jan-14 17:17:35

Well I suppose ideally I would like a wedding that included our friends and family, however if that was a deal breaker for DP or not what he wanted I don't have to have it! We lead a very social life and have a long standing circle of people that share many of our special moments with us, it wouldn't occur to me not to invite them unless it was to be JUST US or not at all. The vows are what matter, not the wedding itself

conclusionjumper Wed 22-Jan-14 17:17:45

I think he needs to know how important it is to you. He might just be thinking, jeez, what it is with women and weddings, etc. sounds expensive, let's see if this goes away, etc..

However, SGB is completely right, you are not married and you don't have the legal protection of marriage.

I forced Dh to marry me and he is now very happy, as I tell him every day grin good luck.

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