AIBU to feel spied on?(34 Posts)
So I'm on Facebook (natch) but my account is pretty locked down. Privacy settings are high. No Joe Bloggs can see my account, only Friends and there aren't hundreds of them.
My Dad isn't on Facebook but my mum is and he goes on her account all the time to see what's happening. He never posts tho.
But almost every time we see them he'll ask me something about something I've posted on FB, and not like the regular - look at this - type updates, but conversations I've had with people on there.
So last week I posted a link about a new restaurant to a friend and underneath we chatted about whether we should book a night out. Today he asks me if me and this other woman have booked our night out.
Other times he's asked me about whether I got a job I was discussing with someone on there, or he's asked me if someone else I was chatting with on there came up with the thing they promised me.
Honestly I find it a bit creepy. It feels a bit like he's opening my mail. I know if I say anything about it he will say 'well it's in the public domain' and obv he is kind of right, but it just makes me feel really uncomfortable. Those were conversations I was having just with that person, no one else. But yes, ok, they were conducted on timelines rather than by DM.
It makes me feel like I just shouldn't post anything on there any more, which actually I don't want to do. But I do find it makes me really uncomfortable.
What do you think? AIBU? Is it just an internet etiquette thing? Should I just forget it?
This is why I dont have facebook in my own name and haven't told relatives that I have an account
The analogy of having a blether in the kitchen is a good one BUT you may feel you're in your kitchen when you're actually in a busy cafe with possible eavesdroppers on every table
Facebook is the equivalent of walking into a room of everyone you know and shouting a conversation in front if then. If it's not something you would shout in front of everyone while expecting them never to mention it, you use the equivalent of whispering in the room and pm people.
Maybe he doesn't comment because he doesn't want to intrude on your conversation with your friend at the time.
Personally I think it's quite sweet he takes such an interest in what's going on with your life.
I do know how you feel. My pil do the same sort of thing.
It is public conversations but it is like he is eavesdropping in a way. And if he's following your posts and logging all your chats in his mind, then it is a bit uncomfortable.
I'd keep comments private in future.
Most of your friends won't bother to read the timeline posts/conversations that are nothing to do with them because they're not interested. But your dad is. I think it's nice that he's trying to show an interest in your life. But if you're not happy with your dad showing an interest in things you're doing publicly, then do them privately. YABU, sorry.
My mil keeps making noises about joining fb as lots of her friends use it. The day she joins is the day I leave it-she would kick up a huge stink if I refused to friend her but frankly I don'nt want to! Yanbu!
I don't get how you can feel like someone is opening your mail. It's there for people to see, it just happens he is seeing it without an account.
My Mum used to FB snoop all the time until my Dad told her to stop using his account and get her own if she likes it that much.
I have a motto of not putting anything on my FB I wouldn't want my parents to see. Therefore if you don't want him to know. Don't post it.
All your friends are reading it. My mum mentioned two women I know were discussing me moving house. They are both FB friends who read but don't post so I'd forgotten they were on there.
It's not just your friends but friends of friends. It's a huge spiders web.
I can see where you are coming from, it is weird if him to intently read your Facebook (from someone else's account), follow your conversations with other people (without joining in), and then ask you for follow up on them when it has nothing to do with him :/
Yes other people can see these conversations, but I suspect most just glaze them over and never think of them again if it's naught to do with them.
Nothing you can do about it if you don't want to restrict your mother.
I recently deleted both my parents from my friend's list because they didn't use Facebook in the same way that I did, and it was causing me great annoyance!
I don't really understand why you feel weird about your dad looking at your facebook page unless you don't have a very good relationship with him. Have you thought that maybe your mum reading your updates and then telling your dad about it in general conversation?
I have a friend who is constantly spotting when I have said something to someone else -such as commented on, had a conversation with, liked anything at all. It will come up in the more detailed newsfeed on the sidebar rather than in her normal newsfeed so most people probably wouldn't keep tabs but she keeps a detailed eye on EVERYTHING there. I do feel a bit spied on, but really mainly because she comments on it to me when we talk and, as someone else in this thread said, most people wouldn't really remember or be at all interested!
But that's the way it is on the book of face - I just try and do more PMing and to be honest, tend to use it a lot less than I used to.
Would you feel the same if it was your Mum commenting to you about it in person?
Unfortunately, I think with FB, you have to accept that even with the tightest security, other people could see your comments. People share their log ins. FBs settings would allow friends of your friend to also see your conversation. People you haven't given access to yourself.
Definitely keep conversations to PM if you feel this way.
Yeah, I prefer that analogy Molly. Because it doesn't make me sound mental. ;)
I'm not sure I agree Coola. My Facebook is deliberately not broadcast to the whole world. And I am quite careful about what I post and being aware of who can read it.
I don't want to restrict them tho. I'll just have to get over it.
Another one : it's like sitting in his kitchen talking to your friend while he's making you both a cup of tea
Just because in my head it felt like a chat between me and this other woman, and not really anyone else's business. I'd posted it on her timeline, but obv it shows up on mine too.
If someone else had jumped in and said, 'ooh I love that restaurant, can I come?' I wouldn't have had a problem, it's just something about the fact that he comes with a comment after the fact. And every week!
But yes, you are right, you are right. It's me being weird.
It's not like your neighbour looking through your window and saying I saw you watched BB last night.
It's like you sitting in your front garden, with your tv on a standard in front of you, switched on full blast, pointing directly at the neighbours front windows as they close their curtains.
He isn't sneaking up and spying covertly on you, he's looking at the massive flag you are waving in the middle of the street.
Yabu, he's your dad, why would you be uncomfortable I don't get it?
Damn posted same time as op.update. Glad you.accept yabu, def use pm to.talk instead.
YABU. You're not being spied on. You are writing something on a public website (albeit restricted to people you allow to look) but you know he looks on your Mum's account. How is it any different to if he had hos own FB account and he spotted these conversations. If you don't want people reading what you're writing and commenting on it, don't write it on there for everyone to see. Send private messages.
I actually am finding it bizarre that it is such a big deal and you feel creepy and uncomfortable by it. It's not like he is hacking your FB account to read your private messages.
Yabu but I get why you feel that way. Stick to pm for conversations that you want to.keep private or semi private. Jacks is very right that with non-private posts he could just jump in on your mum's fb.
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