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AIBU (and controlling) or is DH (and controlling me)

(78 Posts)
GoofyIsACow Tue 21-Jan-14 14:12:50

There is something that i really want, doesn't cost massive amounts of money, would add a little something to our lives and our children would love it.
DH said flat, outright, no.

DH wants to do something (just for him) which would take up a lot of his time, cost money and is something i have explicitly, in the past, asked him please not to do and he agreed.

I have found out that without telling me, he has contacted the person who has contacts for this thing he wants to do to ask about doing it.

I am utterly pissed off! sad

Fairylea Tue 21-Jan-14 14:14:30

Couldn't possibly comment without knowing what the things are!

GoofyIsACow Tue 21-Jan-14 14:15:20


I want a cat, he wants to join the masons...

<outs self to DH as he knows i use mn lots>

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Tue 21-Jan-14 14:17:22

I'd prefer DH to join the Masons than have a cat tbh! (not helpful)

TeWiSavesTheDay Tue 21-Jan-14 14:17:36

Oh dear!

We'll i'd be all for the cat, but I imagine he is justifying masons as might help his career etc.

ElleMcFearsome Tue 21-Jan-14 14:17:39

Ok, so a cat might cost a bit of money: vaccs, neutering, emergency vets bills <glares at ElleCat> etc. Why has he said no? Does he have an allergy/dislike cats/ something else?

The Masons I'd be meh about. Does it cost money? I didn't realise that! How much time are we talking, and why are you anti?

schokolade Tue 21-Jan-14 14:18:14

Does he give a reason for not wanting a cat? If for e.g. he is allergic then YABU about the cat.

The Masons is a separate issue, and I would treat it as such. I suppose at the end of the day you can't really STOP him (although I understand your concerns), so I would try and get him to talk to you about it. Tell him exactly what worries you.

squeakytoy Tue 21-Jan-14 14:19:07

you cant say that a cat doesnt cost a lot of money, vets bills can be very high, and a pet is a serious commitment, which should be agreed between both adults

re the masons.. I know plenty of men who are involved in that, and still have time for their job and family too, so what are your objections to that?

TeWiSavesTheDay Tue 21-Jan-14 14:19:15

If you have moral objections and have been clear about them then he isn't being respectful of your feelings and that must be very difficult.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 21-Jan-14 14:19:30

Getting a pet is a big commitment, even if it is 'just' a cat, and everyone in the household needs to be on board with the idea.

What's your issue with him joining the Masons?

kittykarate Tue 21-Jan-14 14:20:11

The Masons can cost a fair bit money, as there are regular dues and events etc. that you are expected to attend. There is also the regalia, but sometimes you can get this second hand. Regular attendance to meetings at the lodge are expected, especially as a newbie. <daughter of a mason>

HighBrows Tue 21-Jan-14 14:21:05

He is being very unreasonable. I love cats. I had to wait till my marriage broke up to get a cat.

Why don't you want him to join the masons, I know little about them.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Tue 21-Jan-14 14:21:33

I actually think that having a cat will have more of an impact on his life than his joining the Masons, would have on yours (IYSWIM). A cat should be a joint decision, a hobby should be the decision of the person taking it up, spending family money should be a joint decision.

Juno77 Tue 21-Jan-14 14:21:37

I don't see why him saying no to a family pet is controlling.

You denying him the chance to join a club for personal use, is.

Sorry, YABU.

squoosh Tue 21-Jan-14 14:22:08

What do the Masons actually do? Is it just lots of fat middle aged accountants sitting around talking about their allotments or do they slaughter a nubile virgin in the name of their pagan God?

GoofyIsACow Tue 21-Jan-14 14:22:44

He said no, but i have really no idea why, other than (i suspect) he thinks it will rule out getting a dog in the future (he would like, i have agreed but only when our DS's are bigger as they are very small and two of them are very wary of dogs)

Masons, well i dont think it costs huge amounts of money but it's all about the charity isnt it. We run our own business but the friend we have who is in the masons said it is frowned upon to use it to network in that way (of course, they all do it however)

Our business takes up a huge amount of our time, it is a 7 day a week operation with nearly 20 staff members. We get precious little family time as it is and things havent been great between Dh and I recently as we upped the size of the business greatly towards the end of last year and it is very stressful.

ElleMcFearsome Tue 21-Jan-14 14:23:36

squoosh you just made me spit my coffee over my keyboard grin

GoofyIsACow Tue 21-Jan-14 14:25:51

He isn't allergic by the way

GoofyIsACow Tue 21-Jan-14 14:26:48

Also I know the cost implications can be high with a cat, i suppose i just have other issues with how our relationship works, perhaps that is clouding my judgment

Bluestocking Tue 21-Jan-14 14:27:14

Bit of both, squoosh. The fat middle-aged accountants sit about, talk about their allotments, stitch up any available business between themselves and then slaughter the nubile virgin.

Fairylea Tue 21-Jan-14 14:27:38

Hmm tricky one.

Personally I am not a pet person at all so I would never want a pet of any sort - mainly because I don't want the mess (was brought up with 3 dogs and 2 cats so I know exactly what a household with pets entails!) Thankfully dh is the same but if he came home and said he wanted a cat or dog it would be an absolute no no from me. Sorry!

The masons thing.. hmm. Well I think for a starting point you both have to have the same leisure time and spending money and if he uses his for that then I guess that's fair enough I think! But if it takes over family time completely then that's not fair.

SlightlyDampWellies Tue 21-Jan-14 14:29:28

I think you are both BU, tbh. A cat will not rule out a dog necessarily- all my cats and dogs have gotten along perfectly well, without any issues at all.

He wants to join a club and sit around and talk and be involved with a community. Do you know actually what the time involvement would be?
I mean, my neighbour is in the Masons and he appears to be at meetings all the time, and when he is not doing that he is up on some other mason's roof repairing guttering, but he is retired and it IS his hobby.

So, if I were in charge I would say 'cat., yes. Masons yes. '

(I really ought to be in charge of everything I think. )

GoofyIsACow Tue 21-Jan-14 14:29:28

Fairy you are right about the leisure time, i think i am mad because i dont get any! If i ask for time to go and do something i have to arrange GP's to look after the children because he is too busy working

livelablove Tue 21-Jan-14 14:29:37

You are both being controlling of each other! A cat is a serious commitment and would cost money, but unless you are on a strict budget could be afforded and unless your dh is allergic it wouldn't impact on him enough that it is fair for him to say no.

As for the masons the cost may be high but if he works in the sort of career where being a mason can be a help it would be worth it. It is his choice as an adult if he thinks it is ethically right.

So I say if you can afford it right now you both get what you want, if money is too tight you get them when you can afford them.

I would say to your dh 1 masonic handshake = 1 cat.

SlightlyDampWellies Tue 21-Jan-14 14:31:34

So, that is the bigger issue then Goofy. So, can you talk about what is a reasonable amount of spare time for each of you to have pursuing things just for you? Maybe that is where the discussion needs to be?

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