I am a sensitive soul so please go easy!
I am unsure if I am being unreasonable, before I joined mn a while back I would have thought yes. However mn has opened my eyes to the importance of eequality and respect for working mums etc (that's not phrased well..but what I mean is. I now feel my job is equally important etc)
I don't want to drip feed so apologies for the length.
I am work as a nanny. Its something I am so passionate about and I worked really hard and trained for. I work PT since having our ds and as he comes with me, we incur no childcare costs. If he didn't, I would not be able to work
My contract ends very soon and haven't yet been able to find another nwoc job. So will be a sahm while activly job hunting .
DH works full time and earns the same as I would (but more through extras) when I work fulltime hours. he also loves his job.
It is of my view that we have been lucky that I have been ableto work at all since dc and that in between jobs its just a case of really cutting back. bills are covered by one wage. We share all money.
Dh Is anxious about being on one wage (aka not having lots of play money) and has suggested I work evenings and weekend.
So basically, I'll do all the childcare midweek and then work in family time? Doing something unrelated (we are talkng local shops) to my area of work and one iI've worked hard to build great reputation and continually seeking extra training. While he gets to do and progress in a job he loves?
It won't be long before I find a nannying job. I'm sure- but aibu in feeling put out at his suggestion. He didn't get my point and thought it was nuts when I suggested he sahpand work evevening and weekends while I work ft instead ..since there's not much difference in our current earning potential ?
I don think you're being unreasonable at all. If you were unable to manage financially while you look for a nannying job it might be a different situation. The other thing is that your OH thinks it's ridiculous that the situation should be reversed. Think that tells you all you need to know about who is being unreasonable!
Tbh if I needed the money (and I would if I didnt have my job), id suck it up and work evenings/wkends for however long it took to find a new job.
Im sure if my DH lost his job he would too.
Whilst I get your point about your DH doing it, that would mean leaving a secure job to do it. Im sure if it were he that lost his job, he would do what you are suggesting.
Also, evening and wkend jobs arent every weekend and both sat and sun, so you will get some family time, albeit not masses.
Itd be nice for him to do the evenings and weekends alone with ds - bit of one to one time like you eould then have with him in the daytime.
Yabu in a way. The suggestion at this point is nuts because he is the one bringing in the wage. If it was a case of choosing between 2 confirmed and secure jobs then fair enough but it isn't and that's how he is looking at it I would assume. Working opposite hours to save childcare costs is very common.
I guess the difference is that your DH currently has a job, and you don't / won't. As you can't find a nannying job, he's suggested that you find a job during the hours when he can provide child care.
If you were both working FT and he suggested that you drop your hours I'd agree with you, but that's not quite the situation here.
Are there any weekend roles you could explore in childcare? I'm sure there would be demand and if you couldn't take your dc with you then Dh would do childcare. So you wouldn't incur costs and still be in your field.
- Sorry just to clarify, I can't currently find a nanny job were I can take ds with me as these are few and far between. But without ds there is plenty. .
I have in the past done whatever I could get to make ends meet. .but right now our bills are all being met, it is simply that we won't have freedom with money the way we do now, but as I say im certain it won't be long before I find something, He has actively discouraged me from taking jobs that don't pay a certain amount as 'its nor worth it'
I think you're missing the fact that he has a job and you are the one who doesnt. Also remember that while you would be doing childcare during the week and working at evenings and weekends, he would be doing childcare for those evenjng and weekends whilst you worked- no different to what you would be doing during the week. And surely you can see that its better for the family for you to work at anything until you find nanny work than not work at all til you find nanny work. You are being stubborn for some reason. Not looking at tjis sensibly. He isnt asking you to give up your career- just to take on evening work until you find your next career job so that bills are all covered with as little stress to family finances as possible.
In your position I would agree a time limit - say 3 months - to continue as you are after which time you will actively seek (any) work.
However, if you do end up doing evening/week end work don't take on too many shifts cause you do need some down time.
yourbeingasillybilly thank you- I do genuinely feel that I am unsure whether my feelings are unreasonable so I do appreciate the mix of responses I'm getting.
However I know that dh would be roping in grandparent care and I don't have that option midweek, so I guess part of me feels that ill have dc all day..then work evening and weekend and have no time for myself, whereas dh will come home to dc asleep in bed...and have the option to leave dc with gp when he wants to ho watch the football for ex. ...or atleast have them around and thus sharing the care so I suppose this is in the back of my mind..I think I'd feel resentful. I should add that I am actually doing an ou course too.
Yes, why not be a childminder? Then you could look after your child at the same time.
It certainly doesn't sound fair if he will be using grandparents for babysitting at the weekend! I would feel resentful in that situation too.
Ah- well yes that makes a difference to why you feel it unfair. Would it be possible for you to have evem one morning/afternoon a week of someone(grandparent) takkng ds so you could have some time for yourself? And also- how often would dh be getting grandparents in? I could understand the odd night here or there but would it be more than once a week?
I don't feel that childminding (self employment etc) is for me..
dgp are really hands on (but only available at weekends) so would be there as much as possible. Dh is pfb.
They are lovely. .but dh views a trip to gp's house as an outing for dc.. occasionally yes. .but actually this results in dh being waited on hand and foot while mil takes most responsibility for dc.
I've done working evenings and weekends, for about 6 weeks - so loked after DD (who was under 2 at the time) all day, as soon as DH walked in a 6 he was in charge and I worked (from home, which was something), and every weekend for 6 weeks.
If this is temporary then I think it's fine - it's just while you're looking for another nannying job isn't it? If this was a long term idea then YABU, for for a few weeks (hopefully) it's fine, and you never know, you might be able to make some contacts that could help in finding another nanying position.
Try not to feel resentful about him using GPs - I can see how you would but at the end of the day your DC is loved and looked after and safe and that's the main thing.
You're turning down viable employment opportunities - both as a child minder (which is exactly what you are doing now but with more children because it's "not you") and evening work - because it's not 100% exactly what you want to do. I don't understand why you won't look at child minding. There is loads of support out there for new businesses and the council are great at advising re child minding.
Likewise, it makes no sense to refuse to work because you can get by on one wage. What if something goes wrong and you need extra money - like the boiler breaks down? At least if you're both working, you can save.
I don't see why you view your husband as getting the easy ride if you worked some evenings and weekends. He'd still be responsible for your son, whether DH and DSon are at granny's or not. Bad luck that your parents / pils are not available during the week. Most aren't.
Perhaps you are unaware of all the work involved I. child minding- jumping through hoops for ofsted, the wear and tear om your own home, self employment, the costs of starting up.. and actually it's not something we can do from our home as stated in our tenancy agreement. It is somthing I explored and having met with several local minders came to the decision it wasn't suitable.
If you think you’ll find a nanny job soon why not agree a time frame with DH e.g. I’ll give it another 2 months … I don’t think you can hold out forever for the dream job.
or try to get a temp job as a stop gap?
I agree that doing childcare all day and then working evening/weekends will be hard work – but it is what lots of families have to do because they don’t have an alternative. You’ve been very lucky so far to have a job where you could take your DS along – lots of parents have to make this decision sooner. And it's unlikely that any job will involved working every single evening and every single weekend day - you will get some time off!
If you do have to go down the fallback route – why not see if finances would stretch to putting your DS in childcare for (say) a couple of mornings to give you a break?
I'm with you. If I understand you correctly, you could go out tomorrow and pick up the exact job you want, if you didn't have to worry about childcare. So in that sense, you are in the same position as your DH.
The only reason you don't have the exact job you want is because you are responsible for childcare during the week.
Since this is something that you view as a career, and want to continue to do, then it is unreasonable of your DH to expect you to put his job first, IMO.
He should either a) wait until you find a job that suits or b) pay for half the cost of childcare to enable you to take one of the jobs that are available in your field.
It would be different if you were desperate for money, in which case it might be reasonable to expect you to take on a temp job in the meantime. But otherwise, I think he needs to give you a fair chance to find something, or for you to come up with alternatives yourself.
fay that's how I feel.
Right now I see me nannying atleast until we've had no2 and they are both in school, so I feel its important to keep in the field... a lot of my work comes from word of mouth and its quite competitive with sooo many nannies. I think id have difficulty returning snd st the same rate of pay etc
Many parents need flexible childcare (we are an example as DH works shifts) could you offer weekend / flexible childcare? Is there much call for weekend nannies?
Umm childminding isnt something you can just start doing. I started my registration process in june (application was a few months before that but you have to complete training before the process can start in NI) and i am only now at the final stages of registration. It is a slow process And we were advised at the beginning that it can take up to 18 months depending on the workload of the social worker for your area.
Could you become a maternity night nanny?
Usually only a few weeks at a time, so can fit as many or as few in throughout year so not so tired. Many want 9pm-7am so you can still be around to put little one to bed if you want. You can choose whether to do 2/3/5 nights a week.
Then you can spend day with little one, and weekends as a family. You should be able to get some sleep through the night even if only a few hours. Then sleep when your little one naps or once 3 can put little one in morning nursery so you can sleep 3 hrs then also
I'm another one who's completely with you, OP, and I'm a bit surprised at some of the responses you've been getting. You make it very clear that the money you earn is "play money" and not money that you need to pay the bills. I am assuming that his income would cover sudden emergencies like a new boiler etc - if it doesn't, then that alters the situation and my reaction would be different.
If you don't actually need the money you earn to keep a roof over your head etc, I don't understand the justification of pressuring you to work practically every hour of the day, while your husband still enjoys his usual time off at the weekend and in the evenings, while your child is asleep. ( when he is still responsible for your child, but does not have to feed, entertain or talk to him/her, but can just relax and watch TV)
If you are going to be looking after you child all day as a SAHM that is work! (as anyone which has been in this position knows!) You need, and deserve, time off at the weekend, and after a full day's work just as much as your husband does. Work doesn't cease to be work, just because it's unpaid.
I would feel very resentful at the suggestion that I wasn't pulling my weight by undertaking the full-time care of our child during the week, while my husband did his, paid job. Good luck with your job search!
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