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To only invite who ds wants to to his party

(37 Posts)
Picturesinthefirelight Tue 21-Jan-14 08:47:37

I started another three about whether I can risk inviting all 14 boys out of a class to ds's party when the maximum number for the activity is 12

I was explaining this to ds this morning about how it's ok to invite 4-6 friends but you can't leave just one or two out of a whole class & he said but that's what everyone else does.

Apparently there have been several parties where invitations have been handed out & ds & one other child who happens to be ds's best friend have been the only two not invited.

One boy who ds plays with a lot told him he wasn't inviting him to a football party because ds might be scared (he's small for his age) & the other bit doesn't like football

He told me that bit made him feel very left out.

Thinking back ds hasn't actually been invited to a party for over 2 years (I'd just assumed people were scaling down)

Ds wants a big party- he's desperate to be popular but I know he can be difficult to get along with & struggles socially (ASD)

Part of me thinks why should I be concerned about not leaving people out but I know that makes us just as bad as them.

I also feel awful for not realising all this time.

WooWooOwl Wed 22-Jan-14 08:23:54

You wouldn't be leaving only two children out if you invited 11, the girls count as children of the class too!

UniS Wed 22-Jan-14 08:09:06

how about ignoring what class the invited kids are in. ask Ds for 6 names, then ask him for another 5. if you get a few from not his class great. As you only want to invite 11 that is less than half his class. be a little discrete with invites, don't send him in with all 11 on same day. Staggered over 3 days most kids won't notice who is/nt invited.

MistressDeeCee Tue 21-Jan-14 13:46:48

Its his party - he should be allowed to invite who he wants to, without being influenced by anyone else. Children have rights too. How would adults like it if when they had a party, they were told who to invite/had to accept input on who to invite, from others? The amount of threads on here about this kind of thing...just makes it sound too stressful for the bday child, maybe just do a 'tea' and have their good friends there rather than making them possibly anxious about issues which worry adults more than children.

Timetoask Tue 21-Jan-14 12:13:58

I would never leave only 1 or 2 children out. Even if my DS would have been left out at some point, I tell him it is not a nice thing to do and we will not behave like that, we will invite the child that left him out. I want him to be a nice person.

Hersetta Tue 21-Jan-14 12:05:33

DD is fairly discreet and puts them in classmates drawers - the TA would then put them in bookbags when adding reading books at the end of the day.

At 6 (and even the previous year) she is fully aware that she doesn't get invited to all her classmates parties (especially the boys ones where it seems hardly any girls get invited) and it doesn't bother her in the slightest. To be honest if her classmates can't deal with not being invited to hers, it really is up to their parents to educate and explain the realities of the world to their child. Why should she invite the class bully who has caused her physical injury on more than one occasion this school year alone?

It's her party, not mine and she decides who she wants to attend.

TheNumberfaker Tue 21-Jan-14 12:03:39

Invite the two from the other class and nine from his. That leaves 4 boys not invited. Sounds fine to me.

AwfulMaureen Tue 21-Jan-14 11:54:06

Cupcake I have noticed with my own DD who is also coming up ten that there has been a resurgence of whole class parties recently...I don't know years 3 and 4 it was fashionable to have smaller it's all discos and gun wars...and the whole class comes which is nice.

cupcakeicing Tue 21-Jan-14 11:16:31

Think this gets easier as your child gets older. DS just had a tenth birthday disco, inviting the whole class of 26 plus his cousins. He was aware that a specific bunch of 4/5 boys (the bully boys and their henchmen) wouldn't be there or even reply to the invitation.
Everyone who came had a ball but there was no awkwardness at the handing out of invitations.

AndWhenYouGetThere Tue 21-Jan-14 11:01:11

10/14 boys 10/24 of the class, plus 2 from the other class.
Seems fine to me.

Katnisscupcake Tue 21-Jan-14 10:44:15

The consensus from this thread seems to be half or all.

Well in a class of 24, 12 is half, which is what you're allowed and is who he wants to invite, so surely there is no issue. smile

It's a shame that you're not inviting a mix of girls/boys, but there will still be 12 not invited, irrelevant of gender so I wouldn't worry.

I am dreading all this starting though... So far the parties that DD has been invited to (4 since she started in Reception in September) the whole class has been invited as there are only 22 in the class. But as they get older that will change and I suspect that DD will get left out as she is friends to everyone, but not close friends with anyone... sad

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 21-Jan-14 10:16:20

The children not the parents hand them out. Parents arnt allowed inside school/playground from year 3 onwards.

OpalQuartz Tue 21-Jan-14 10:13:54

Makes my blood boil when parents hand out invites in full view of children they are leaving out. I agree Formerbabe Awful behaviour.

QueenofKelsingra Tue 21-Jan-14 10:13:26

x-post with OP, in that case why not tell him he can invite 11 people (he makes up the 12) and let him choose who he wants, boys or girls. at his age I would expect he is old enough to start to understand the idea that you cant be friends with everyone and you shouldn't try, focus on the friends you have and not on 'getting in with the 'it' crowd' - a few good friends is much better than a raft of sort-of-friends IMO

AwfulMaureen Tue 21-Jan-14 10:12:26

Aw. Bless him....they're at a funny age though aren't they. OP just invite who he someone else said, there's a chance a couple won't be able to come anyway...always the way.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 21-Jan-14 10:11:35

Ds loves girls but they don't like him (its a bit of a sore point)

He does want to invite two boys from other classes who are also in the oddballs group if kids (I suspect they get excluded a lot too)

QueenofKelsingra Tue 21-Jan-14 10:09:51

not sure what age your DS is but my DS has just had his 4th birthday party and I explained to him that parties were about spending time with the people who he really likes and plays with and he picked 8 friends from pre-school and then 6 from out of school. I will never being doing a whole class thing and I wont be doing the 'well he invited ds so I must invite him', it will always be DS's choice of a few close friends. I'm hoping that by the time DS is old enough to realise some people do whole class parties he will be already secure in the thinking that that isn't how we do things.

as a general rule of thumb, less than half or all is a good idea. another one that I will be bringing in probably next year is 'you are 5 so you can have 5 friends' or 5girls and 5 boys or something tied to the number which helps stop numbers getting out of control.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 21-Jan-14 10:09:34

And he goes to holiday club/ after school sessios st the place that is running the party. The leader des a cobalt his school too.

AwfulMaureen Tue 21-Jan-14 10:08:44

Are there any girls he likes? My DD just got an invite to a gun battle party...she's also in the 9-10 age and the boy whose party it was invited 4 girls and 8 lads...that worked out well and was lovely to think that this boy didn't thikn girls weren't worth bothering with in this type of party. DD and the other girls are the quiet girls in the class which was interesting.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 21-Jan-14 10:08:20

Johnworf - ds isn't very good at sticking at activities. He tends to give up when it gets hard. He does a martial arts class once a week but its a mix if ages including adults, only two other children who are younger than him then some teens but he wont try another club

thegreylady Tue 21-Jan-14 10:08:16

I'd risk inviting all as at least two will be unable to come.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 21-Jan-14 10:06:09

There are 24 in the class altogether , 14 boys & 10 girls.

Ds said the children give the invitations out themselves. They are age 9/10

The party is a woodland based activit with nerf gun battles. An inclusive price for up to 12 children.

AwfulMaureen Tue 21-Jan-14 10:04:44

I think in your situation you can do as you bloody well like. Your DS has enough to contend with ....let him have who he likes and bugger the others.

johnworf Tue 21-Jan-14 10:02:12

Party politics....If you're restricted to numbers then I'd pick half the boys. Boys who he likes and plays with and not the uber Alpha boys that would get him a (possible) party invite in the future.

There is an element of tic-for-tat invitations at my DD's school. It passes me by. She doesn't get invited to many parties but when we're choosing her invites it's all about who she likes and plays with whether she was invited to their party or not.

Btw have you thought about an after school activity or club that would give him the opportunity to mix with other children? Our DSS is ASD and he found it really helped.

LoveWine Tue 21-Jan-14 09:57:57

It's not exactly tit for tat...I would of course let my child invite who they want, but if a few are left out I don't think I;ll be so concerned with their feelings, especially if they happen to also excluded mine from their parties. To be honest, I find a huge party (30 children) at a young age a bit too much.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 21-Jan-14 09:57:49

Having said that - it's just the boys in the class? So it's a regular, 30+ class? I'm amazed that kids/parents even know who is going to whose party - I genuinely only hear about the parties that DS1 is invited to, unless a friend of mine is having a party for their DC. DS1 doesn't mention any parties he's not invited to. Are the children handing out invites in front of everyone?

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