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to never want to see my BIL again?

(37 Posts)
monalisa28 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:48:55

I love my older sister but our relationship is being ruined by the fact I don't get on with her husband. They've been together about 5 years. He's moody, racist, homophobic and a misogynist. To the outside world my sister presents an image of marital bliss but I think the reality is different. I suspect she walks on eggshells with him and that he's an emotional bully to her. Our mother hates him and our other sister thinks he's a shady porn addict.
Anyway, I've suffered him till now, always trying to be polite and not rock the boat. He comes to my house with my sister when they visit and chats with my husband but totally ignores me. At Christmas he said nothing to me, not hello or goodbye or anything, except to pipe up and say if I die he'd rather put my two small children in to care rather than look after them with my sister. I laughed it off as a joke.
Yesterday my sister messaged me to say they were coming over at the weekend. I asked her if we could visit her instead, as that way I can choose a time when he won't be there. This fell on deaf ears so I tried to say in the most diplomatic way possible that she should leave her husband at home. Eventually I had to admit that I'm not happy with him after the way he treated me at Christmas... then it all blew up in my face.
At 11pm last night I got a phone call from my little sister to tell me that big sister and her husband were having a massive barney and that he'd packed a bag and was leaving. Whaaaat? Now I'm to blame for this apparently. I'm angry with how this has all been blown out of all proportion and I'm being blamed for her fragile house of cards marriage. Ifeel sorry for my sister who was reduced to a snivelling wreck by his behaviour but I don't see why I should take the rap. What should I do now? Help!

BookroomRed Mon 20-Jan-14 14:56:20

You poor thing (and your poor sister). What a mess. Of course you aren't responsible for the dynamics of her marriage. It sounds as if being called on his behaviour even indirectly has caused him to blow up. He's seemingly used to behaving badly with impunity.

I don't see what you can do, other than remain uninvolved, do not even consider shouldering the blame, and make it plain to your sister. (The sister married to the idiot ) that you support her. Has she actually told you she blames you, or us this all at third hand through your other sister?

I would also make it clear that I won't be engaging in negotiation via third parties.

plainjanine Mon 20-Jan-14 14:57:01

Be there for your sister, but bare in mind that she may get back with him, so be careful what you say to her about him.

hamptoncourt Mon 20-Jan-14 14:57:35

Obviously it isn't your fault and maybe in time your sister will come to be grateful for you being the catalyst for her getting rid of this horrible man.

Why are you saying you are being blamed? Is this just coming via your other sister? It may not be the full story so I would wait and see what transpires. This isn't really about you, it is about your sister finally seeing what you could see all along with any luck and she will need your support.

If she does take him back though, I do think you should stick to your guns and stay away from him, whilst trying to maintain as much of a relationship with DSIS as you can.

NatashaBee Mon 20-Jan-14 14:58:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cerisier Mon 20-Jan-14 15:03:28

He ignores you and then makes a comment like that and she is blaming you? Why should you have ignored and enabled his rudeness.

One day she will recognise this and might even thank you, but at the moment you need to step back and let her sort herself out. Be there for her but now you have said your piece, let it lie.

monalisa28 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:09:48

My sister has a history of relationships with controlling, violent men. I really hoped this one would be different. I am hearing everything third hand from our little sister as big sis won't talk to me after yesterday. My little sister has been on the phone trying to talk sense in to that pair and keeping me informed of developments but I can't help feel a little put out. She had a passionate dislike for him until all this happened and suddenly she's a fence sitter and has managed to come out of it smelling of roses. Anyway, it's my argument and I don't really want to drag her in to it.
I did text my big sister and told her that I love her and want to resolve things with her but that I'm not going to take responsibility for the mayhem of last night. She hasn't responded.

PenguinDancer Mon 20-Jan-14 15:13:58

Your little sister is being the sister your older sister needs right now, don't blame her for how she is acting fgs!

I agree with others, be there for your older sister, let them ride the battle out for now without getting too defensive even though of course you're right. If they get back together then you wont have upset her further and if they don't you wont have caused any extra drama and she may be able to turn to you.

PenguinDancer Mon 20-Jan-14 15:15:05

Understand what little control your older sister may have over this situation. Being in an abusive and controlling relationship is horrendous and feels inescapable. Her blaming you may be saving her some violence or aggression.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 15:23:50

If it gets your sister out of an abusive relationship then i am sure you can deal with being the bad guy right now.

Everyone knows the truth. Including your sister. Even if she needs to blame you right now.

Just dont apologise or do anything to appease him.

greenfolder Mon 20-Jan-14 15:30:06

do nothing. my dsis was in a relationship with a snivelling controlling idiot. i could not stand him and made this clear to her. i went along the lines of I was perfectly entitled not to like him. he moved to the same town as us. i was blamed as the reason they split up. that is one of my proudest acheivements.

Fancyashandy Mon 20-Jan-14 15:35:12

Tell her you don't get on with him but can meet up without him. It's not your fault.

monalisa28 Mon 20-Jan-14 16:04:30

The abuser/bully thing is totally unproven. It is only what I suspect. Although it does seem to have been supported by his behaviour of last night.

MimiSunshine Mon 20-Jan-14 16:15:46

If literally all you did was say to your older sister "please don't bring him after the way he behaved at Christmas" (or words to that affect) and didn't actually speak to him or saying something like BIL Big Sis thinks you're a knob and never loved you.
Then I can't see how them arguing is your fault, it may have been about you but that's not the same.

To be honest if stop letting little sis be the go between. Listen to the updates if you want to but just say "ok thank you" don't rant to her, she may with good intentions pass it back and it keeps fueling things.
Call big sis and tell you'd like to meet up to talk about what happened

monalisa28 Mon 20-Jan-14 16:27:13

That's what I said, no accusations or name calling. I went on to say that the kids love him and my husband thinks he's alright. It's only me, and that not everyone can be expected to like everyone, no hard feelings blah blah blah. My sister was really good about it and we exchanged a few lovely text messages about how much we mean to each other etc. For some reason (maybe he forced her to?) she then showed him all the messages and he blew up. From that point on it was all my fault as far as she was concerned.

diddl Mon 20-Jan-14 16:32:13

Have you ever said anything to him when you don't like what he says?

Is it obvious that you don't like him or will this be a shock?

I'd disown my sister if she never wanted to see my husband tbh.

FairytaleOfNY Mon 20-Jan-14 16:32:28

If you love your sister and want to help her then it might be helpful for you to read more about EA relationships. The EA thread in relationships would be a good starting point.

You didn't call your dbil on his behaviour when it happened and when you had the chance but put your dsis in the middle of it by telling her you didn't want your dbil to visit. I can't see how that was ever going to end well for your dsis. She either had to try to persuade her dh not to visit (even if they'd already agreed they were all visiting as a family) or she had to tell him what you had said.

Either way she would have been left having an argument prompted by your decision to tell her to tell him to stay at home.

Also if he is EA, he will take every opportunity to isolate your dsis.

Janethegirl Mon 20-Jan-14 16:58:37

Sorry, I'm being thick but what does EA mean?

JustSpeakSense Mon 20-Jan-14 17:04:03

EA = Emotional abuse

monalisa28 Mon 20-Jan-14 17:09:00

I've never picked him up on anything he says. I've always pussy footed around him making him cups of tea and trying to stay out of the way. TBH he makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and his blatant ignoring me compounds this. If I'd have reacted to what he said on Christmas Day it would have ruined the day for everyone. He got upset about something last Christmas and made no bones about showing he was pissed off. It made the whole day horribly uncomfortable.
I did give my sister options in which she would never have to tell her husband that I didn't want to see him. I offered to go to their house instead - I don't think he would have had any reason to suspect anything.

eddielizzard Mon 20-Jan-14 17:15:39

well i think i'd back off for a bit. wait for dust to settle. then text and say you'll always be there for her whatever and sorry to put her in a difficult position.

your beef is with him not her. best if you do pull him up on it and not put her in awkward positions.

having said that i probably would have done the same thing!!

FuckingWankwings Mon 20-Jan-14 17:21:12

I don't mean to sound too flippant, OP, but you might have done her a favour. He sounds like a wanker even if he isn't emotionally abusing her.

I agree that you shouldn't say too much to your other sister; it might, even with best intentions, get distorted and make things worse. You've let big sister know you love and support her and that's the best thing you could possibly do. It's up to her to come to you if she needs to.

And I think you deserve an award for not strangling him when he made the comment about putting your kids into care! shock

Vidaloca Mon 20-Jan-14 17:22:52

My biggest shame is that I behaved in a tolerant way to my dsis's hateful and bullying way for years. Eventually I told her that I thought he was a psychopath, and she didn't talk to me for 6 months. She did leave him after this though, and acknowledged that I was right.

Families shouldn't have to be nice to their relatives hateful partners...

diddl Mon 20-Jan-14 17:28:00

Well if no one says anything, no wonder he carries on.

And if he sulks/causes an atmosphere-tell him to fuck off home-or leave if it's at his house.

Goldmandra Mon 20-Jan-14 17:30:33

If you do text your Dsis when the dust has settled, bear in mind that he may have her phone and respond on her behalf.

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