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To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

(702 Posts)
slowcooker Fri 17-Jan-14 20:10:04

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

17leftfeet Fri 17-Jan-14 20:13:42

2 evenings of forcing your stepson out of his home


WooWooOwl Fri 17-Jan-14 20:13:44

When your three year old is a teenager are you going to ship her out to somewhere else that she doesn't want to be so that you can have quality time?


Trifle Fri 17-Jan-14 20:14:50

How old is your dss? Can he babysit.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:16:30

I'd be mortified if my dh spoke like this about my dd who he treats as his own (and until a year or so ago she saw her dad every other weekend and then he moved to USA and now hardly ever sees her... another thread...)

You are a family. With your step son. Not you dh and your dd and your ss alone in a little bubble.

He must feel very unwanted.

Joules68 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:16:32

Your post is all about you op!

Does your DH actually want 'quality time' with you? hmm

ButICantaloupe Fri 17-Jan-14 20:18:01

YABU, surely you accepted that your DH's DC came as part of the deal when you got together?!

magentastardust Fri 17-Jan-14 20:18:48

How old a teenager are we talking? Do they get on well with your 3 year old? Could your stepson baby sit for you for an evening so you can go out and have an evening or a lunch together?

Your Stepson should feel welcome in your home though and not feel that he has to go and stay at his mums if he doesn't want to -your home is his home too surely. Will you treat your daughter in the same way when she is a teenager?

DameEdnasBridesmaid Fri 17-Jan-14 20:18:58

You've just described family life OP. You get time to yourself when they've ALL left home.

I feel sorry for your DSS, persuading him to go?

You sound very selfish OP - and that's a first for me. I can usually see both sides but not in this case.


SirChenjin Fri 17-Jan-14 20:20:43

What you've described is exactly what DH and I are like....married for 20 years, no family to help out, no 'quality' time on our own, both working long hours, 3 kids.....

I'm sure it's more difficult with a blended family, but I'm a bit puzzled as you seem to be describing a normal family ie you, your husband and your 2 DCs (albeit one of them is your DSC). As someone else said, could you not get your DSC to babysit?

slowcooker Fri 17-Jan-14 20:20:49

Yes he does actually want to spend time with me Joules68 better that with his ex who would leave him to tend to the kids and go out on her own and cheat on him!!!

My stepson has 2 houses 2 rooms I have only one house so I don't have a choice!!

JeanSeberg Fri 17-Jan-14 20:21:18

Poor lad.

MidniteScribbler Fri 17-Jan-14 20:21:32

You know that your child is going to grow up at some stage and be a teenager? Where are you going to send her when you need your quality time?

Kicking a child out of their home so you get time to walk around naked? Are you fucking kidding me?

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 20:21:53

If I ever heard my dd step mother speak about her like this, I'd be outraged. Poor kid. How about you stop trying to push him out and ask him to babysit? If it means he doesn't have to go and sleep in a damp room, I'm sure he'll say yes. Not that you deserve it.

You sound like you have a number of issues and are conveniently blaming them on this poor boy. Shame

worridmum Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:02

tbh if you are so bitter about being a step parent you shouldnt really of got together with a man with children would you be happy if your partner decided to ship your child off to other families every other weekend? (yes I know they are both his children) but come on you are sounding so incrediable selfess its insane and I feel sorry for the step son in this case as by the sound of it resent him. I think you should ether reign in this resentfulness or leave your partner as he shouldnt have to choose between his children or you as any self respecting parent should put their children (unless adult) before their partners.

Tbh parenthood is a massive change and you should deal with it because in a couple or years you wont be able to ship your child out and would have to deal with it unless you would hold the same resentfulness then I would feel sorry for your child and belive you would be an unfit mother

god you are making me so anrgy with your resentfulness of your step son I hope to god you dont let it show and make you step son feel unwelcome as that would and should be a death nail in your relansonship and I can assure you being a single parent would give you even LESS free time.

Though I deffintly think you should tell your parenter how you feel so he can make an informed decision to stay in a relasiontship with such a resentful person

noblegiraffe Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:18

If he's a teenager, can't you send him to his room or out with his mates if you want to watch tv in peace?

When I was a child (one of three), every Saturday night us children would be sat in front of the tv watching a film in another room with drinks and snacks while my parents had the living room to themselves.

Notaddictedtosugar Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:54

YANBU. It sounds tough. You may have been better off posting in the step parents topic though , you would probably have got more sympathy there.

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 20:22:59

Is this some sort of reverse AIBU?

If not then YABVU to direct your resentment at a blameless child.

splasheeny Fri 17-Jan-14 20:23:00

He probably doesn't like being pushed out. Quite understandably so.

JeanSeberg Fri 17-Jan-14 20:23:53

How does it sound tough exactly?

Ragusa Fri 17-Jan-14 20:25:12

Poor kid.

worridmum Fri 17-Jan-14 20:26:31

god reading your futher replys I pray this is a revise thread or I am losing faith with humantiy as you should like a deeply unpleasent and vile person kicking someone out of their home and their dad because you want to walk around naked

grow the bloody well up you sound like a spoilt brat

TakeYourPick Fri 17-Jan-14 20:27:38

Does he not go out, ever?
Most teenagers have friends/outside interests. I rarely stayed home in the evenings as a teenager.

Mimishimi Fri 17-Jan-14 20:28:49

Couldn't you get your stepson to babysit for you so you can go out with your DH? As for getting the house to yourself for two days every two weeks, then yes, YABVU. It sounds like you're moaning noone else wants to take the kids off your hands to their place. That's not reasonable especially since one is your own. You sound quite horrid frankly.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 17-Jan-14 20:30:39

Wow, if he'd prefer to stay in your house with you, rather than go to his mums, it must be really bad.

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