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To get another cat even though DH says No?

(43 Posts)
AndyWarholsBanana Fri 17-Jan-14 14:07:40

We have a delightful soppy very friendly cat which we got from a rescue centre 7 years. This was DH's idea.he's no bother at all and the 3Dcs adore him.
Recently, DD went through this long phase of being desperate for a dog. I did consider this but decided that it wouldn't be fair as we're all out all day. as a compromise, I said that we could get another cat. DH said No and his explanation was that our cat would kill the new one (?)
Me and the Dcs recently went to an open day at the same rescue centre, they took our details and we had a look at the kitties with lots of cooing and ahhing from Dcs. The centre were quite happy for us to get another cat and gave us some tips about how to introduce them to each other but saw no problem with it.
When i told DH this, he got really angry and said "I've said no and that's that" and has made it clear that the subject is now closed. i just think he's being completely unreasonable, especially as it was his idea to get our cat!
DH can be controlling at times but this is more about him being stubborn and just refusing to back doen. I'm seriously tempted to just go ahead and get one anyway as the Dcs are desperate and i don't see why his view should override the other 4 members of the family.

Tabby1963 Tue 21-Jan-14 16:58:58

I am a certified mad cat lady but I would not get another cat unless my DH was on board. You wbu taking the children to the rescue centre and raising their expectations. I would have been angry too at being undermined and pressured.

thegreylady Tue 21-Jan-14 16:18:46

I have always had two cats at once.Your dh is being a bit daft.If you do get him to change his mind go for a kitten and introduce it gradually. My 15 year old male Tonkinese adopts kittens if he can.Two neughbours have acquired new kittens recently and both times our lad goes and wowls on thir doorstep till kitten is allowed to play.When they get older you see our H trotting down the road with a kitten behind him.He teaches them to use our catflap, shares his food. His father, a stud cat, used to try to suckle baby kittens so maybe it is genetic.

AndyWarholsBanana Tue 21-Jan-14 16:12:06

teenage I think our cat is too soppy to kill anything. The only thing he's ever "caught" is a bread roll which he proudly deposited at my feet.

teenagetantrums Tue 21-Jan-14 16:05:40

The cat may well kill the hamstersmile it is my cats dream to be left alone in the bedroom with the hamster, not sure what he would do with it if he got it out of the cage.

To be honest i have cats because i wanted them, my ex said no, i ignored him and got the cats, but i knew he wold love them and he did.

AndyWarholsBanana Tue 21-Jan-14 15:58:10

No, I'm back. OK I hear what you're saying and I am prepared to admit when I'm wrong. It's just that I know DH and I really think he's just doing this to be bloody minded, not because he would be bothered by getting another cat. Like I said, we used to have 4 cats and he loved them. Also, I absolutely didn't tell the DCs that we were getting a cat when we went to the open day, they knew their dad had said no. DD wanted to go just to have a look. I think she might have thought she could persuade him but I never dragged them into it. So Dave the cat will remain a singleton. Maybe a hamster?

ilovesooty Sun 19-Jan-14 07:55:09

Is this another thread where the OP is told she is BU so she doesn't come back?

ENormaSnob Sat 18-Jan-14 11:44:45


kali110 Sat 18-Jan-14 11:39:14

Yabu completely unreasonable and awful that you dragged your kids into it.
Multi cat households don't always work! I have 3 abd they don't get on! The one has to be shut in the living room at night so he cant attack the other.

WooWooOwl Sat 18-Jan-14 10:50:58

I went to the open day because I wanted to hear it from them that they are perfectly happy to rehome cats to homes with other cats so I could feed that back to DH as that was the only reason he gave for not getting another one.

You could have achieved exactly the same thing with a phone call that wouldn't have involved you manipulating your children into taking your side, or disappointing them when your DH still disagreed.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 18-Jan-14 10:35:45

YABVU, it would affect your other cat until settled which can take months and would mean costs of another animal to feed, vet bills, worming etc.

You sound spoilt and used to getting your own way. Presumably if DH went against your wishes you'd be posting how he had disrespected you.

Megrim Sat 18-Jan-14 10:35:30

We have a rescue cat (now 10) and the kids and I have always wanted a dog too. DH is quite adamant about not wanting a dog, and whilst I would really really like one, I can fully understand his reasoning. As a compromise we settled on a second cat, and I found a Siamese kitten (always wanted a Siamese as they are real characters). BUT, there was no way I would have done that without DH being OK about it, and I had a good idea our existing cat (then aged 6) would accept a kitten.

You need to tell the DCs that it's not the right time to get another cat, and discuss it properly with DH - he might have all sorts of concerns that he just hasn't expressed. And even if he does come round to the idea, don't rush out and get another cat or kitten, give him time to get used to the idea and accept that he has the right the change his mind and veto.

MrsBennetsEldest Sat 18-Jan-14 10:34:34

As many above have already pointed out multi cat households can work but when it doesn't work it's awful. I have two who dislike each other and live on seperate floors of the house. They are 12 and 7. The old boy used to beat the girl up when they crossed paths. He is now poorly( kidney failure) and quite frail, I find myself checking to see if he is actually still breathing. If he sees her he gets so stressed he vomits.
She takes everything out on our dogs. I envy those with happy cat families. Please consider the cat you have and how introducing a newcomer could upset him ( girl cat was one of our farm cats, boy was house cat. Girl cat moved herself in house and refused to budge.)

EmmelineGoulden Sat 18-Jan-14 10:31:13

I would be really annoyed if my DH took our children to look at pets when our last conversation on the matter had not ended in an agreement to get one. YABVU. Him seeing himself as head of household and not needing to explain himself is bad, but it doesn't make you reasonable.

Chunderella Sat 18-Jan-14 10:17:35

YABU. It's not fair on anyone, least of all the cat, to get one when there are people in the house who actively don't want it. This is a separate issue from your DH's generally controlling behaviour, because this is one case where he genuinely does have absolute power of veto. As you do, actually.

And you were unkind to take the DC to the open day in this situation.

OhYouBadBadKitten Sat 18-Jan-14 10:08:23

I think everyone needs to be on board with getting new pets. It is a big commitment, expensive, especially if they get poorly. Its always a big decision and sometimes in marriage you do get deadlocks like this, its just how it is. There isnt a compromise position.

We are a multi-cat household. I love all of my cats, but at the moment due to a couple of them being very old and needing special diets and quirky behaviours and the younger one being a bully to them and wanting their special food its driving us absolutely bonkers at the moment. If one of us had been against getting any of them I think they would have hated them at present.

Joysmum Sat 18-Jan-14 10:00:06

I only have rescue animals.

You are VERY much being unreasonable, worse than that you are undermining your husband and disregarding his wishes.

If he didn't want another one, why the hell would you go to an open day and then leave your details?

I'd be fucking livid if my husband have my wishes such little consideration and then played games of emotional blackmail with the kids as a tool to get me to change my mind.

You owe him a huge apology and lots of grovel long to try to make amends.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Sat 18-Jan-14 09:52:04


pinkdelight Sat 18-Jan-14 09:14:42

If you'd wanted to persuade him, you should've taken him to the open day. If he wouldn't go, then the worst thing you could do is take the kids and appear to gang up on him. And the worst thing you could do now is surge ahead and get the cat. 'Sorry I upset you' might be a better start.

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally against all the 'head of the household' thing and could never marry a man with such dumb ideas, but you picked him and have to deal with this cleverly if you want to get your way. Going behind his back would make anyone dig their heels in, even more so a man like your DH.

ilovesooty Sat 18-Jan-14 08:45:55

Getting the children involved in visiting the centre was manipulative and childish and I doubt you told them your husband doesn't want another cat. You don't sound very concerned about the potential
stress for the cats.

Sort your relationship with your husband out in a grown up way and stop using children and animals to score points.

Lolalocket Sat 18-Jan-14 08:24:15

'I went to the open day because I wanted to hear it from them that they are perfectly happy to rehome cats to homes with other cats'

Could you not have rung them to ask this? Or gone alone? There was no need to bring your kids with you and get them all excited. This was very unfair. You DH doesn't need a good reason not to have another pet. It should be enough that he doesn't want one. I don't want a dog. There are loads of little reasons that can all be overcome, but at the end of the day I just don't want one, and I expect my family to accept this.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 18-Jan-14 08:22:08

I love cats and have always had two. But I think it would be very dangerous to go ahead and get another without your dh agreeing to it first. It's not fair to take the children to the rescue centre when you know he doesn't want another either.

Cats don't always get on well together, they are not pack animals and may fight. They probably won't kill each other, but one of them may be very unhappy.

What you need to do is have a chat with your dh about why he doesn't want one, a real chat about the whole topic, if he still says no I think you have to accept that.

SiliconeSally Sat 18-Jan-14 08:13:06

Then you need to deal with his habit of seeing himself as head of the household etc head on and sort it out with him, not use a situation where there is already a conflict and bring the children in. You could have got the info from the cat centre on your own without taking the children and cooing over kittens.

Or you could have said 'interesting about the territorial thing, inhadn't thought about that, shall we seek advice? Because it worked ok when you used to have 4, but it's true, cat1 has been here a long time on her own'.

Deal directly with your DH and don't use the children. I can see that you don't want them to see him lording himself over you, that is the situation to sort out. And I agree it is obnoxious. How has he reacted in the past if you have just ignored him and gone ahead?

I am hmm at those saying there is no difference in having two cats. Doubling the price of food starts to look like a noticeable cost, insurance or double the potential for vet bills etc.

Pagwatch Sat 18-Jan-14 07:56:31

I think you were pretty mean roping the children into this.
Taking them to coo over kitties -whatever your excuses- may have felt like a good way to ramp the pressure up on dh, but if you can't resolve this you have just disappointed them and potentially made them see dh as the baddie.
Not good really.

Tell the dc you have thought it through and it's not a good idea at the moment. Then talk to your dh again without the baggage.

MyBaby1day Sat 18-Jan-14 07:29:51

Well not sure, feel mixed really. On one hand ALL of you should be on board, he may have another reason he wants only one cat and have not shared it. Maybe that your existing one won't like another one coming in on it's turf! ha ha. So really he needs to be on board. But on the other hand, you are an adult with already one cat (and 3DC's)!! and are well aware of the responsibilities (both financial, care etc.) a cat will bring so think you should discuss it. Maybe when your DC's are in bed, as lovely as I'm sure they are grin, when they are there it makes it more of a "cutesy" and fun thing and harder to say no to, but just the 2 of you alone can have more of an adult discussion. My friends DH wanted a kitten (now a cat) and at the time told her he'de pay any vet fees, care for it etc., now they have emigrated he didn't seem so keen to pay for it to be shipped to their new home, so even with adults you need to discuss it. Animals are a big responsibility, never underestimate that......but can be a total joy too!! smile

WorraLiberty Fri 17-Jan-14 15:57:40

When the people at the cat's home said they'd be happy to re-home another cat with you, I take it you forgot to tell them your DH doesn't want another one?

If he sees himself as head of the family then that needs tackling

But not at the expense of a cat.

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