This is one of those things I had never heard of before having a baby, but is it widely thought of as a bit selfish to leave a big gap between children? I have posted on MN about how long to leave it before TTC again because I am still bfing my 20 month old and don't really want to risk having to stop before she's ready. I'm mostly happy with that decision.
 However, two friends have small gaps and we all have a DC1 of a similar age.
In the time since having their second child, I have heard accounts from both parties describing the strain that pregnancy and a new baby has placed upon their bodies and relationships, along with worries about their elder DC's behaviour since the new baby's arrival. In all, I have worried about both of them and tried to help in practical ways because they've had a really hard time. This is all relevant, I promise.
 Recently we all met up as a group for the first time since the birth of their DC2 and almost immediately received a few remarks about 'getting on with it' (having a second child) and 'poor DD loves babies- she would love a sibling' etc. All fairly light-hearted.
Later on, Dd asked for a bf as she was tired and fed up and friendA said (gently but with an edge) that if I had a new baby, I could stop babying DD and let her grow up a bit. I just laughed and said something along the lines of she IS still a baby in a lot of ways and I would just follow her (DD's) lead, but I did feel quite cross.Â
Then listened to mutual congratulations about how close their children will be to each other, conversations about how potty-training is going, big beds and naughty steps. I feel as if I am in a parallel universe. My Dd is normal for 20 months and seems about the same in development to my friend's children, but isn't showing signs of readiness for potty training (nor are my friend's children if accounts of accidents all over the house are anything to go by) or similar.
 I am so proud of DD and how she is developing at her own pace, but I am tired of hearing how I should be getting her to grow up before IMO she is ready, or that I am somehow holding her back?!
So many people, (and I'm looking at family here as well) have age-inappropriate ideas of what to expect from children. It's not hard to read a book or look at mumsnet to see what's normal for a child's age.
From what I have remembered about child psychology, the bit of the brain that governs empathy isn't developed until about 4 years and this is reflected in the birth spacing of traditional hunter-gatherer societies, so the older child is self sufficient before another baby arrives. The contraceptive effect of regular toddler breastfeeding (plus other factors) accounts for this large spacing.
I am absolutely not claiming that this is a pattern we need to follow in western society, with myriad pressures that influence child-spacing. I don't even think I would necessarily want a 4 year gap. I am just trying to illustrate that a larger age gap is not actually unnatural (for our species) and from miserable personal experience a smaller age gap is not a guarantee of future closeness between siblings.
There is a bit of an air of martyrdom about this too, as though it's a bit shallow to think about your body recovering before having another-just do it, your kids will thank you. I actually felt really rundown after having Dd and still don't feel like my body has properly recovered enough to build another baby from scratch without being depleted further. This is my personal experience and of course many women feel absolutely fine and do really well with close-spacing, whether it's by choice or necessity because of time running out or childcare issues.
But this is how I feel.
So AIBU to think that if I spend months sympathising with the hellish time you're having, only to have you turn around and tell me I should have a go too, I'm not going to be terribly convinced?
AIBU?
to think larger age gaps between children are not a bad thing?
Flidais · 14/01/2014 23:38
People often want to justify their choices through other people doing the same thing - making a different choice can seem like an attack (especially if they are struggling).
I know some people who have gone for an 18 month-2 year gap and other friends who have gone for a 3, 4, 5 even 7 year gap.
I don't think one age gap is better than another in terms of either how close siblings are during childhood or in adulthood. As many closely spaced siblings get on great as fight like cat and dog. Some of the adults I know who are closest to their siblings have 7+ year gaps.
Small age gaps seem like far too much work for me personally! I'm looking forward to a 3.5 year gap 
I think you are a nice relaxed mother and giving your daughter the best start in life. I wouldn't like the comments from others, even lighthearted, about babying her 
when she IS a baby. You dealt with it great.
I am going it try soon as lot if trouble ttc last time. No doubt I will have people commenting in it being soon. I don't think a gap is selfish at all. I would prefer a gap but cannot risk it.
I don't know why people have to remark on these things when it is the mother (and family) who will grow and raise the child not outsiders.
I have both longish and short age gaps (5 DCs, with 16 years between pfb and no5, they are 23, 19, 11, 9 and 7 now) and there are pros and cons on both sides.
The one thing I have learned over the years though is to bloody ignore all the well meaning interfering advice and wittering and drivel that everyone else somehow feels entitled to bombard parents of small children with all the time, and to do my own thing.
I know best for my children, that and a bland smile and nod will see my through until my youngest leaves home I reckon
You and your DH do what's best for your family, not anyone elses! Oh and ignore the competetive parenting twattery too, just because little Jocasta is peeing her Baby Gap thong on the hempen hand woven floor tatami at 13 months, it doesn't mean she is a) potty trained or b) somehow superior to your baby 
I am not sure if you are BU or not but I am pretty sure you are overthinking things. If your friends are rude about your choices then you should call them up on it but basically you should just do what suits you and your family and stop worrying about what others think or do.
Trying to find scientific reasons for the pros and cons of different age gaps is really pointless.
Ps. My 4 DCs are really, close in age... and I could write a book on why you should have bigger age gaps. The current chapter would be on the mahoosive cost of having three of your kids at Uni at the same time
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