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Pregnancy and violence

(23 Posts)
JumpRope Mon 13-Jan-14 22:29:56

I became mentally unwell during pregnancy and occasionally panicked and lashed out at my husband when I felt threatened and out of control. I already had a one year old, and he would sometimes prevent me from going to him when he cried, which was when I was violent towards dh. Never to my child. Dh would hit me back. Once he kicked me when I was 20 weeks and hit me around the head so that I began to loose consciousness.

I realise this sounds horrific. Since my 2nd child was born, there has been no violence. But dh still refuses to acknowledge how serious it was, denies I was ko'd and basically thinks he was justified in what he did.

Aibu to think you don't hit a pregnant woman EVEN if she is behaving with seriously unstable actions.

WelshMaenad Mon 13-Jan-14 22:32:36

Why would he prevent you from comforting your child? That is controlling behaviour. The physical violence that he subjected you to in pregnancy is horrific and very serious. I would urge you to speak to your local domestic abuse organisation or the national domestic abuse helpline.

Littlefish Mon 13-Jan-14 22:34:06

I think you need to speak to Women's aid.

I think you both need to seek counselling (separately).

There is no way you can be sure that he won't hit you again.

Were your MH issues entirely related to your pregnancy, and are they now resolved to the satisfaction of your GP?

SaucyJack Mon 13-Jan-14 22:35:21

He shouldn't have hit you....... but you shouldn't have hit him first either.

You both sound fucked-up.

JumpRope Mon 13-Jan-14 22:35:33

Dh and I would argue (shouting) and baby wd wake up. I would try to go to baby, but dh would sto me from passing him in the hallway. Generally, that it when I would either try to push or scratch. He weighs about 6 stones more than me, even when pregnant, and I could not get past.

JumpRope Mon 13-Jan-14 22:37:50

Eventually gp put me onto antidepressants. I'd had mild depression in the past, but no anger or violence.

WelshMaenad Mon 13-Jan-14 22:38:41

Yes, that is very controlling behaviour.

Your relationship generally sounds unhealthy if you are shouting loud enough to wake your child.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your children? Is this an environment you want to raise them in?

JumpRope Mon 13-Jan-14 22:39:38

Not at all. The environment is not like that now, but I find it hard to forgive dh, when he won't admit any serious wrong.

Sharaluck Mon 13-Jan-14 22:40:20

That is terrible. You shouldn't have hit him but he definitely should not have hit you so hard to have knocked you out. I am shock

Your relationship sounds very toxic and I would suggest you see about some counselling for yourself so you can end it. For your children's sakes as they should not have to witness violence.

WelshMaenad Mon 13-Jan-14 22:41:23

I find it hard to believe that someone controlling enough to prevent you comforting an infant will have suddenly remedied his behaviour. I think you will find it's surprising what you might have gotten used to and would say again that you need to speak to a domestic abuse organisation and explore that.

scallopsrgreat Mon 13-Jan-14 22:43:24

They do not both sound fucked up hmm

JumpRope you can speak to Women's Aid. He is abusing you (and your child).

Counselling will not help him but it may help you. However, first things first and make that call. You need RL help and they can advise you. Please think about why you are with this man and the damage he is doing to you and your child.

Stay safe x

JumpRope Mon 13-Jan-14 22:45:38

Thank you. I did speak to refuge at the time, had all my and ds passports and birth certs ready to grab and run. But I couldn't do it.

scallopsrgreat Mon 13-Jan-14 22:46:39

I also agree with WelshMaenad. He may not hit you at the moment but he will be controlling you. He won't have changed his attitude overnight.

SaucyJack Mon 13-Jan-14 23:09:41

But I couldn't do it.

You could still do it tomorrow. Why stay? You think he provokes you into violence, and then batters you in response. Hardly love's young dream.

What's to stop it happening again?

It's the kids I feel sorry for. You have a choice to leave.

Take care xx

Finola1step Mon 13-Jan-14 23:33:58

I think it might be wise to move this thread to Relationships. AIBU might not be the best place to garner constructive advice and support.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Mon 13-Jan-14 23:38:09

If my husband was lashing out I wouldn't let him
Within an inch of the children.

nennypops Mon 13-Jan-14 23:52:13

What's his take on this? I'm wondering whether his justification re not letting you get to your son was that your mental health at that point was such that he felt you shouldn't go near him for his safety?

differentnameforthis Tue 14-Jan-14 00:20:14

You have both been physically violent.
This is no environment for a child to grow up in.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 14-Jan-14 06:29:37

Just because there hasn't been any violence for a while doesn't mean there won't be again, there will. And I'm willing to bet he's abusive and controlling in other ways isn't he?
If I've read your OP right, you lashed out at him when he was physically retraining you, rather than assaulted him first? Please call women's aid, you need to speak to someone in real life about this.

BohemianGirl Tue 14-Jan-14 07:34:34

Was he protecting the baby?

Your OP states you were the one to lash out, then your second post said the shouting woke the baby and he blocked your path.

If this were written the other way round, (bloke hits woman, woman obstructs path) the woman would be applauded for protecting her child.

In your OP it states 'DP would hit me back' thus showing you struck first.

you don't hit a pregnant woman EVEN if she is behaving with seriously unstable actions.

Ideally you don't hit anyone. You are both as bad as each other, prone to violent outbursts. Although in the interests of balance I'd like to know how seriously unstable your actions were. Because it sounds more than a bit of shouting if he was protecting the baby.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 14-Jan-14 07:44:18

You were both as bad as each other. You need to apologize to him just as much he needs to do the same.
Hope you both are in counseling.
My opinion is that you shouldn't even be in that relationship but it's your choice.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 14-Jan-14 07:50:52

You need to get away from each other asap. your relationship sounds toxic.

"Aibu to think you don't hit a pregnant woman EVEN if she is behaving with seriously unstable actions."

you shouldnt hit anyone, pregnant or not hmm there is no get of jail free card because one person happens to be pregnant, imo.

scallopsrgreat Tue 14-Jan-14 20:28:57

Oh give over with "you are both as bad as each other" rubbish. He knocked her unconscious FFS.

He also prevented her getting to her upset child. He was the one being violent first.

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