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To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

(334 Posts)
PMDD Mon 13-Jan-14 08:07:57

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

chateauferret Thu 16-Jan-14 21:50:26

YAB completely and utterly U.

ocelot41 Thu 16-Jan-14 18:58:13

I put a ceiling on ten guests for birthday parties and 3 each for Halloween. Small house and garden, limited means, and easily wired DC. They get to choose who they want the most. I would probably keep a 'weather eye' on who has invited them but would never take offense at the reverse! But 300 quid per party! Bloody hell, not many people have that kind of income!

alemci Thu 16-Jan-14 16:47:30

I think it is better just to invite a few dc if you are short of money. we always had some sort of party but tended to invite a few dc my dc's were friendly with and to try to reciprocate party invites as much as we could. we never had whole class parties.

Ok some people cannot afford parties but they could have a couple of special friends over for a birthday tea or something.

gamerchick Thu 16-Jan-14 16:45:08

Did the OP ever come back?

babybearsmummy Thu 16-Jan-14 16:38:46

Some parents can't afford parties for their children, so why should their children be punished for this by not being allowed to other children's parties?

Quite a horrible way of thinking if you ask me. Isn't it nice to invite the whole class/ group so that everyone feels equal and so that the children who can't have their own parties get a chance to join in with others and enjoy the experience??

BlueberryWoods Thu 16-Jan-14 16:18:55

Every year my DC's friend says "I'm going to have a birthday party this year!" And every year you know they won't as, I guess, the parents just can't be arsed organising it (fair enough I suppose - but sad for the child). It would be awful if they didn't get invited to other parties because of this.

jay55 Thu 16-Jan-14 15:20:42

If there are kids who never have a party id be reluctant to exclude them, if there are those that always do but don't include my child then to reasonable not to invite them.

But once friendship groups are established its easy enough to just invite a few.

ElsieMc Thu 16-Jan-14 15:15:25

One set of parents at my GS's primary school exclude one child from the class each year. Sadly, it is my GS's turn to be "punished" this year. I was stopped by another parent who mentioned how sorry she was. As I avoid school gossip, I just felt it was aimed at me for some reason or other.

Apparently they did this to her son in his first year and he was heartbroken. I take the view that I would not want my GS to attend a party hosted by these people and my GS has said he does not want to spend time with this child. It is heartbreaking how maturely he has dealt with this and it is a hard lesson to learn at 7.

I think parties are a loaded issue and I have perhaps been a bit immature in the past and sulked on behalf of my lovely GS. In future, I am having a family party for him with people who love him and ask two friends up a few days before just to play and have tea. I am going to remove myself from petty playground politics as this is second time round for me as I am now bringing up my grandchildren. From thirty years of experience I can tell you some things never change!

MrsOakenshield Thu 16-Jan-14 14:38:02

Up until year 3 all parties, including my DD's, were class parties.

has it occurred to you that perhaps some of those parents were paying for parties that they could ill afford because of the attitude of people like you and the OP? We can't afford to do a whole class party, so we won't. But I hope that there are no parents like you who would proceed to ostracise DD because of our finances. And I hope that you wouldn't teach your DC that this is, in any way, a nice way to behave to children.

AT DD's nursery it's a mixture, and as often I don't know the parents of the party-giver I have no idea when we accept if it's going to be a whole class party or not. But presumably you think that we should decline any whole class invites as we won't be 'reciprocating'? I actually don't want DD to know that there are people in the world like you who would make the judgements you are - who would think that she shouldn't attend because we can't afford a whole class party.

You sound really really horrible.

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 16-Jan-14 10:42:16

Actually thinking about this - I have just realised another knock on effect from this whole "your child shouldnt accept an invitation if they are not reciprocating themselves"

A few years ago my son was invited to a party by X - now this boy was not at all popular (mainly as he was often unpleasant as a result of having ADHD) My son was quite an easy going type, whilst we thought it nice that DS had been invited, we debated whether he should go or not as he didnt really view him as a "friend". He decided that as he actually didnt actively dislike him and appreciated that his behaviour was as a result of his condition rather than just nastiness, that he would attend. What a good job he did as out of a class of 25, only 4 had gone to the party - due to the fact that he was unpopular and his Mum comes across as a bit "cool" with people many of the parents did not even respond. They had hired a pool and catered for way more than actually attended.

StormEEweather Wed 15-Jan-14 21:56:47

My DD has just started school and there is a welter of whole class parties, mostly at a hired venue with an entertainer and catering. Even if that wasn't my idea of hell on earth, I couldn't afford it.

DD has gone to parties of DCs she regards as friends, and we have given apologies to others, including the party of the DC who made up a rhyme about how scruffy my car is. I assume Scruffy Car Rhyme Kid's mum is aware our DCs don't get on - in fact anyone at the Christmas play where our DCs as Mary and Joseph argued about holding the doll playing Baby Jesus, and ended up having a tug if war with him knows they don't get on - and only invited us because the whole class were invited. We are having a few friends only do, and won't be inviting Scruffy Car Rhyme Kid.

MrsKoala Tue 14-Jan-14 20:28:33

My mum always insisted we invite everyone. We would have a big themed party with lots of decorations, themed food and games. It was THE event of the year according to my class. The school would even get involved - letting us make decorations/costumes for it in art. My mum made great party bags for everyone and even to take home for siblings. However, despite this, and having friends at school i was rarely invited back to a party.

I was always heartbroken and go home crying that x was having a party and loads were invited but i wasn't. My mum always insisted that no matter, what we would not exclude anyone.

I did enjoy my parties, but i was always painfully aware that the people who came did so because it was a brilliant party, not because they liked me or were my friends. After a while you fucked off being used.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 14-Jan-14 20:08:28

Are they friends of your dc's or acquaintances? If acquaintances I see no point in snubbing them. You should also consider possible repercussions. Could your dc's be left dealing with grudges at school?

alemci Tue 14-Jan-14 18:37:44

I would tend to invite the dc whose parties my own dc had attended and the odd extra dc. I would never have massive parties.

I remember being upset with yd when she was around 9 because she wouldn't let me invite a dc to her party even though she had been to other girls party.

I think some parents could have parties but can't be bothered to make the effort. it isn't always financial.

NewChoos Tue 14-Jan-14 18:23:18

LatteLady - that's so sad. Hope you gets lots of cake now x

LatteLady Tue 14-Jan-14 18:17:33

I was the child who would be in invited to parties but whose parents were too poor and our house too small to hold a party. When I came home with a slice of cake, it would be cut into six slices so that everyone got a piece.

I am eternally grateful to those mums who treated me so kindly - Mrs Casey, Mellor, Condon, Hook and Friday - you made my childhood through your kindhearted gestures. So OP as you won't be aware of all your DCs chums family circumstances, please continue to invite them for as long as you can.

Topseyt Tue 14-Jan-14 17:15:31

I have rarely done big parties for mine. They are encouraged to just invite a select number of close friends round for a birthday meal and maybe a sleepover.

I used to do more in the way of birthday parties when they were very young, but I am glad that phase is now gone, largely due to cost.

£300 per party seems a huge amount to me. I could never afford that. I must admit that I kind of admire the OP for the number of parties she holds. That is fine if you enjoy doing it and can afford it, but it would be my idea of hell on earth (plus I can't afford it either).

I guess that makes it pretty clear that I am not a party animal even though I did the necessary for my children when they were of that age. grin

Goldmandra Tue 14-Jan-14 17:01:53

When my child would like to have a party to celebrate her birthday, I allow her to choose what to do and, within reason and without singling anyone out, who to invite.

I couldn't give two hoots whether they have invited her to theirs or whether they have brought presents in the past. The party is about the child celebrating with their friends, full stop.

I'm shock at how much over thinking, politics and card-marking goes on. These are children FGS! As long as they don't bully my child they are welcome at any party she would like to invite them to.

I would never want someone to feel they had to pay us back by inviting her to a party where she wasn't really wanted.

memememum Tue 14-Jan-14 16:47:00

I agree that you don't invite to get invited but I don't agree that the present is the swap. I think that going along and joining in to help make it a good party is the 'swap'.

FunLovinBunster Tue 14-Jan-14 16:14:20

Up until year 3 all parties, including my DD's, were class parties.
Now they tend to be small groups of the birthday child's closest friends.
"The gift is the swap". Wow that's a nice attitude!
Very rude not to return invitations.
Manners cost nothing.

redskyatnight Tue 14-Jan-14 15:39:16

"OP is not being unreasonable.
It is rude not to return invitations."

So what do you do when your DD is invited to around 10 parties a year, but your budget only stretches to her inviting 4 friends to her own party? Particularly if some of her closest friends - the ones she actually want to invite - didn't have parties at all?

And some of those parties were for children who DD was not that bothered about, and were very obviously inviting all and sundry just to make up numbers? Should she be refusing these invites? Surely that's awful?

Toecheese Tue 14-Jan-14 14:25:32

I think you are confused!

If you invite someone to a party, they give you a gift in exchange. They don't have to invite you to their party - it's not tot for tat. The gift is the swap.

Secondly, why invite endless numbers of kids to a party? The best parties tend to be more intimate with real friends only.

FunLovinBunster Tue 14-Jan-14 14:09:10

OP is not being unreasonable.
It is rude not to return invitations.

PrimroseLodge Tue 14-Jan-14 14:02:21

When I was a child my birthday parties were held at home with around six friends invited. I would have party food, sausage rolls, sandwiches, fairy cakes etc and games like pass the parcel and musical statues were played. The parties I was invited to were always held along similar lines. When did it become the done thing to hold whole class parties?

Asheth Tue 14-Jan-14 13:13:54

I'm don't think I'm a saint but my DC choose who they want to invite to their parties. And that has included the children of parents that I try to avoid, chidren who I know may misbehave, children who may have given my DC a rubbish present last year ( I say may because by the time the next year roles by I've forgotten who gave what - I don;t keep a black list), intelligence definitly doesn' t factor into it - are there really people where it would? And I pay the money because I want my DC to have a party they enjoy, which meants they invite their friends.

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