to think my sister is vile and that this is totally unacceptable thing to do(107 Posts)
My sister is a very difficult person with a lot of narcissistic traits and she has long blamed our mum for everything bad that has happened in her life. As a consequence of this my mum and sister (23) have had a rocky relationship for several years (she moved out at 18) but things seemed to be improving in the last few months and at the end of November my sister paid for my mum to go away for a 3 day spa break and she would look after my brother (he stays over at hers once a week anyway).
However during this time she and my brother (13) have entered her house and moved all his possessions into her house and both he and she now say that he is going to live with her. She says that mum is not fit to parent that she won’t allow our mum to damage him or subject him to the hell that she had suffer for her childhood. The recent improvement in the relationship appears all to have been an act and she admits that she paid for my mum to go away to give them the time necessary to facilitate moving all of his stuff. My brother absolutely adores my sister and is very impressionable and dsis is quite manipulative IMO but he says this is what he wants.
Mum is devastated, neither sis nor bro will answer her phone calls and when she went around to dsis house they did not answer the door although dsis shouted at her to fuck off out of the window apparently. I spoke to dsis and she is adamant that she has done this for his sake but that “the fact that the bitch is suffering is an added bonus” I have spoken to him and he says that he also hates her and that dsis is far more of a mother to him and has been since he was very little. I personally think that he enjoys the lack of rules etc that he received when he stayed over at hers about once a week and that she is manipulating him against her (I had no issues with the way we were brought up and some of the examples she gives of our mums failures as a parent are ridiculously minor). I have just got off the phone with mum who is distraught and is begging me to help sort the situation and have dbro back home although she seems unwilling to go down the legal route as she obviously has full parental rights over him.
I want to have a more stern word with my sister and tell her what she has done is terrible and that turning my brother against our mum is a deplorable thing to do as well as return him home to my mum. DH on the other hand says that I should not get involved under any circumstances, our dad for what is worth lives in Singapore and so is not really involved in any of our lives and he hates mum anyway.
Wow. What a mess.
Your Mum needs to be in contact with the relevant authorities and your sister was absolutely in the wrong to set your Mum up like that.
I do agree with posters though about your upbringing. Your sisters feelings are relevant. She is not actually making up lies about her upbringing is she? I had what probably seems to others a good upbringing but it really wasn't and has caused me a lot of problems. Some similar to your sisters actually. Very few people saw the problems though. My brothers didn't.
Also, Narcissists are generally thought to be that way due to some sort of problem during childhood so if she really is narcissistic something made her that way. Narcissism generally is believed to be caused when a child fails to reach certain emotional milestones.
If my teenager had 'gone to live with someone else' there would be nothing on EARTH that would stop me from calling the police to try to get them back, and I'd be going to a solicitors too, even if I couldn't make the teen return home, to get proper contact set up.
6 weeks?! There IS something going on here, and from what I can see, you are abroad(?) and not there daily to witness what the TRUE situation is.
Just because you felt your upbringing was okay doesn't mean your sister isn't valid in her belief that your mother wasn't a good mother to her
I agree. I had a shit childhood. My brother & sister just can't see it though.
she has been badly bewildered by it and she is hurting. Not good enough. If my child went to live somewhere else I would not wait 6 weeks to act. I would be hurting yes, but that would just make me move quicker to get something done. Your mum putting her own 'bewilderment & hurt' first may be a common theme for your sister...
This isn't about revenge, op. I had a shit childhood, my sister & brother don't see it..my step who lived with us for over 10yrs doesn't see it & still defends her to this day! But in all that, yes, I guess in some way I have wanted some sort of revenge, or karma, or wanted her to know what I felt like. If I acted on it, I wouldn't do it at the expense of my siblings. It isn't their fault they can't see it & it isn't their fault it happened, so I wouldn't want to disrupt them.
Your sister was very clever, played the long game of 'repairing' the relationship, earning trust from your mum, sending her off on holiday, knowing she would look after your brother. Then taking that opportunity to help your ds leave her home.
Revenge is never that well planned or thought out. And usually people try not to hurt others, their only aim is to hurt them one who wronged them.
No 13 year old would leave his mother secretly unless there was a very good reason.
OP I think the only thing you can do is get the truth from the boy, and from your Dad. Ask a lot of questions. If you feel there is anything untoward going on you should call social services. This may be seen as abduction in the eyes of the law, yoir sister needs to be careful.
I clearly remembered that previous thread too and was about to post as I have been reading this one to ask if the ops mother was registered on here.
I think there is a lot more to this than what has been posted and get a feeling that there may be very good reasons why the brother has left home.
That's an impressive feat of recall!
It could still be, the op forgetting that her her brother had turned 14 or mis remembering how long it was he'd been at the sister's place.
Seems too much of a coincidence to have the self same issue, with an early teens boy, a mum and a sister in her mid 20s who has a fractious relationship with the mum and blaming her for an unhappy childhood.
We just need the sister with whom the brother lives to complete the set.
After about eleventy years without a decent nights' sleep I'm impressed that my memory got that close .
Yes it is remarkably similar, but the ages (14 in that one, 13 in this) and the dates don't marry up. In this thread the boy was living with his sister by November and the other thread is dated December mentions that the relationship between son and mother deteriorating but he was atill living with his mother.
Mind you it does seem a remarkable coincidence, same family dynamics etc.
Shoom I remember it too from before Christmas.
OP, it's pretty common for siblings to have different views on their upbringings and it's something psychologists recognise as valid.
I agree with PP that your mum should raise this officially with someone. Maybe she waited initially in the hope it could be sorted out after a few days. If you aren't able to help (e.g. point out the legal implications to your siblings) then it seems they'll all just continue on until a third party reports it. It must be known by others, e.g. your brothers friends will know, and it's surely the sort of things teenagers will gossip about.
Just about, though one never knows when hysteria will strike again!
Hmm...that's very interesting. Perhaps OP can come back and clarify!
Walt, I wasn't thinking wind-up, just that it was familiar. (Glad to see you've recovered from "RTFT!" rocking in a corner and muttering about smarties.)
The other thread was posted by the mother and said much the same IIRC about a daughter accusing the OP of being narcissistic, manipulating the son and him not wanting to return home. Same ages, son 13/14, daughter early 20s. I'm sure I posted on it but can't see it in TIO, although that only covers the last 21 days. The other thread was probably soon after he disappeared.
Either the mother posted this story herself recently, or this is happening to someone else on MN as well. The ages and details mentioned in this thread match what I remember of the other one.
Someone else may remember the other thread.
When you say "I am not going to say my mum's perfect" what do you mean?
if my dsis had taken my ds I would go round and bring him home within an hour. 6 weeks and shes done nothing? !! think u may be seeing mummy thru rose tinted glasses!
The fact that DM hasn't informed authorities or tried to get her son back speaks volumes as to her capabilities as a parent I think. Pride is a really bad reason not to fight for her son.
Let "the authorities" handle this, as they are an impersonal agent, outside the bad dynamics of your family. Frankly, you can't solve this, as your involvement will be taken as biased (as it is) and an attack.
OP I think you need to say to your mum, 'Look, I won't turn against you whatever you say, but I need to know if there's anything you haven't told me about why you won't go to the police about DB being at DSis's. Is there something you are frightened will come out?' And make the point to her that she can't hope to hang onto her 'pride' if she really wants him back - that just has to be put on one side.
Also, as Thatisall says, have you had an honest convo with your brother about this? Without your sister there?
It was so well planned it sounds as if he was desperate to get away.
It's not as if he has just stropped off, is it?
OP have you actually asked your do why he doesn't want to go home?
The OP asked if she was BU to think her sister is vile. Of course she has the right to think that. But I am replying that I think she is BU.
That is the point of this thread.
OP - You might not think your mum deserves this, but is there any chance your DB's life with your sister might turn out to be better than with your Mum? Because all the officials being involved won't look at what's fair for your mum, but what's best for DB.
On one hand, it's odd your mum has done nothing, but I can see why she might have thought give it a bit of time, your sister might feel she's got one over on your Mum, then the reality of living with and being responsible for a teenager would kick in and she'd want him to go back without any drama, or that your DB might enjoy living with his Sister and having freedom to start with, then get sick of not being looked after or her rules and want to go back to your mum. But htat hasn't happened. Sadly for you OP, I agree a 23 year old narc is unlikely to take in a 13yo brother, she might like the idea of it, she might even plan it, but I can't see it lasting this long. I also can't see if she's hard to live with that your brother, knowing he could go back to your mums wouldn't just go.
You think your sister is vile for doing this to your mum ,you assume this is something she is doing to hurt your mum, but is there a chance your sister might actually be doing this for your brother? It might not all be about your mum?
Theres a lot in here about your mum ,what this is doing to her, what about your DB? Of all the people involved, he is the most important, where is he best to be living? If he can't live with your Mum anymore for whatever reason, is your sister a fit person to raise him? If not, would you? Someone has to put this boy first, it sounds like your mum is your priority, she shouldn't be, it should be your brother.
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