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To think my friend is mistaken and this really isn't a problem?

(64 Posts)
twiggy6 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:45:02

This might be a bit long!

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday which has made me doubt whether something I always thought was ok...actually IS ok. Now I'm questioning myself so could do with some other points of view!

I am very happily married with one dd. I have a very good male friend who is also married. We attended each other's weddings and have never known each other "single" - we were both in serious relationships with our oh's when we met, so have never dated, flirted, nada - we just clicked when we met about 8 years ago at work and have remained close friends. The four of us (me, my DH, My DF and his wife) very rarely get together as a four - usually my and my friend get together just the two of us to go to dinner, have drinks etc. We text occasionally and exchange emails but nothing we wouldn't be happy for either spouse to read.

My husband is absolutely fine with this friendship. He likes my friend a lot, encourages me to see him regularly and is totally secure in our marriage so there's no jealousy. Both me and DH have good friends of the opposite sex and this is not an issue for us at all. I realise it maybe would be for some couples but it works for us.

I never thought anything was odd about any of this until I spoke to one of my female friends yesterday and mentioned that id gone for dinner with my male friend last week. She was horrified and said that once you are married, you should have no reason to socialise alone with other married members of the opposite sex. She accepted that there is nothing "going on" between us (and honestly, there isn't) but was admant that my friends wife must HATE me spending time with her husband.

This really got me worried! I know and like his wife and always assumed she was fine with me as I've never gotten any vibes when iv been around her. My male friend assures me she is absolutely fine - like my husband - but I can't help now worrying that she's secretly resenting me and that I'm causing problems.

Am I - like my friend told my yesterday - kidding myself to believe that a man and woman can be good friends without either party's spouse minding?

I spoke to my dh about it and he says I'm silly to worry now when wev been friends for 8 years with no incident or problems - and that it would have become apparent before now if I was being seen as a threat! But I realise that some people's marriages have a different dynamic to ours and I would be absolutely mortified if I was causing problems for a very dear friend and his lovely wife

I'd love to hear other peoples take on this!

sykadelic15 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:29:06

As you've seen from the replies here, many people have friends of the opposite sex without issue. My husband while having female acquaintances doesn't have any that are a relationship like you describe. Likewise I don't have a male friend with whom I'm as close as you and your friend appear to be, so to me it WOULD be weird to suddenly introduce a male (or female for DH) friend into the relationship who he's suddenly spending a lot of alone time with.

In your situation though your DH has told you he's fine, and I'm sure his DW would tell him if she had problems with it as well. You've been friends EIGHT years. That's a long time for them to come to terms with the friendship.

No stress. Your friend simply doesn't have a friendship like that so can't understand it.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers Tue 14-Jan-14 00:41:56


BillyBanter Tue 14-Jan-14 00:24:18

you're fine with it
your dp is fine with it
your friend is fine with it
his dp is fine with it

someone who it has fuck all to do with is not fine with it.

oh well, never mind.

MidniteScribbler Tue 14-Jan-14 00:19:21

I couldn't be in a relationship where someone was constantly looking for fault with me and my relationships with others. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. I went to a concert just before christmas and due to annoying people in the seats next to me I ended up standing up the back leaning on a railing just behind the accessible seats. There was a young man there who was just having the most amazing time, dancing and singing along. The guy leaning next to me and I caught each others eye and realised we were both looking at the same thing and commented on it, then had a brief chat. Next thing, I've got silly bitch in my face about how I was trying to "hit it" with her "man". This was a woman in her mid forties, not a young woman, and it was just ridiculous. The poor man just rolled his eyes and followed her back to his seat like a lost puppy. Pathetic. I couldn't live with someone that treated me like that, and I couldn't treat someone else like that. Must be terribly exhausting to live your life constantly looking for problems in your relationship.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 14-Jan-14 00:11:43

Yanbu. Really really not unreasonable

Is all I have to say

chipshop Tue 14-Jan-14 00:05:35

I agree with you. DP has several close female friends. When we first got together I was surprised by how often they used to call him and talk and talk and talk! grin But the qualities that make him so attractive as mate to women also make him a great boyfriend to me. He's become close to a couple of my girlfriends and I love that.

He does have one female friend who is the "I've always got on better with men, women hate me" type. He used to go on about how gushingly nice she was about me and how she was always offering to help me out career wise. I knew it was all fake so called her on the job help. She wasn't keen it turned out. grin

BookroomRed Mon 13-Jan-14 13:17:48

Your friend is depressing - does she really think that now that you're married, you 'have no reason to go out socialising with someone of the opposite sex'? That the only reason a woman would socialise with a man is because she's trying to lure him in with her sexual wiles and get a Ring on her Finger?

Is she the kind of person who spends her time beady-eyed at parties, convinced that any one with ovaries who happens to speak to her husband is assessing him for affair potential?

Honestly. Maybe suggest she takes a cold shower because it sounds as if her imagination is a bit overheated.

lilyaldrin Mon 13-Jan-14 13:14:18

DP has a female friend he's known for about 15 years. She has a partner and kids too. I like her well enough and we see each other at kids' birthday parties or have lunch with both families but she's DP's friend and he tends to socialise with her alone. If they were going to have an affair I guess they would have before now!

whatsagoodusername Mon 13-Jan-14 13:06:59

My DH has several friendships like yours - has even shared a flat with one for a year or two! Doesn't bother me. Doesn't bother their DPs. I am friends/friendly with all of these women and their DPs, but they are primarily DH's friends.

CeliaLytton Mon 13-Jan-14 13:00:58

Yanbu. I have male friends and DH has female friends, we often go out separately due to no babysitter and socialise with <gasp> the opposite sex.

Some people cannot do this, some don't like it if their partner does it, all that matters is that two people in a relationship are on the same page about what they can and can't cope with.

Maybe your friend has had her own issues in the past which are clouding her judgement? Or is she much older than you? I think there is an element of generational expectation, my relatives in their 70s would no sooner go out alone for a drink with the member of the opposite sex than they would swing naked from a lamppost, and they view both activities to be unacceptable grin

verytellytubby Mon 13-Jan-14 12:52:24

I have a best male friend. We have never flirted, kissed blah blah. He's like my brother. When DH and I got together, my friend came as part of the package and DH now loves him.

Your friend sounds old fashioned and loopy.

CHJR Sun 12-Jan-14 16:52:26

It is quite all right for you to eat with him, as long as you have a chaperone. Do make sure the piano legs are well covered, too, in case it sets him off. And keep your sunbonnet on.

maddy68 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:39:04

She is projecting her own anxieties onto you. My best friend is a man, I stay at his house at least once a week, I have gone on holiday just with him etc etc. my husband is fine with it.
In fact he likes it as me and my friend enjoy things that my husband can't stand (gigs etc) so it stops him being obliged to go!!

Caitlin17 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:38:51

Your friend is wrong. Nothing wrong with this.

RoadKillBunny Sun 12-Jan-14 16:24:04

Friend is very wrong and has a very dated attitude!
One of my best friends happens to be male. Our friendship predates both our spouses.
When my friend first met his now wife she knew how important our the friendship was and tells me that when she first met me she was nervous and also had a little thread of worry about the nature if the friendship however within moments of meeting me she could she there was only and would always be nothing but a close friendship between us. I was best man when they married a couple of years ago.
My husband also has never had a problem, he respects me and trusts me.
My friend and I feel like siblings towards each other, anything else just creeps us out!

I really wouldn't worry, the only person with a problem is your Victorian friend, the four people it matters to are all reasonable people who understand that just because you are of different genders doesn't mean you can't maintain a close friendship!

MrsBungle Sun 12-Jan-14 16:23:04

My dh has a female friend who he sees quite a bit of - always on his own or with her dp. I don't usually go cause tbh I don't much like her! He's known her since they were teenagers. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. We have a very secure relationship. Dh also meets a lady he used to work with for lunch perhaps once every 6 weeks. They're friends, I cannot see why this would be a problem.

dannychampionoftheworld Sun 12-Jan-14 16:20:07

She sounds very insecure. I know my DP has at least 3 good female friends. I have never felt insecure about them, mainly because he knew them before he met me, so I assume if he fancied them he would have gone out with them.

I house-share with just one other person, a man, who is also in a relationship. Our OHs would never even think to be suspicious.

It's only a problem if you are keeping it a secret from your OH and/or if it is escalating into something else.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Sun 12-Jan-14 16:16:17

I have male friends too, mostly work colleagues at this stage. It's MIT something I found easy to manage when I was younger but as an older person my life is enhanced so much by having close friends of both sexes. I am in fact making a point if helping my daughters find thus easier than I did. It's crap going through life thinking members of the opposite sex are restricted to romantic relationships only. And yes the question if what are gay and bi people supposed to do is very valid.

WhatWouldCaitlinDo Sun 12-Jan-14 16:09:40

Your friend must have her own issues. I would just feel sorry for her.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 12-Jan-14 16:05:14

I go out a lot with female friends, who is to say that I secretly gay and will start an affair.

tudorqueen Sun 12-Jan-14 15:50:07

Load of rubbish! Most of my close friends are men and there's a few whose DW/DPs I've never even met!!

So, those people who think that once someone is married they should only do things together, or not have friends of the opposite sex etc...well, what do they do if one of the couples in their social circle break up? Only keep friends with the partner of the same sex? Get rid of both of them on the basis that single people can't be friends with married people? (I do actually know a couple who think like this!!).

Just WTAF?

CiderBomb Sun 12-Jan-14 14:53:13

My mum is like your friend. One of her friends has a good male friend, her husband knows him and is perfectly fine with it but my mum doesn't think it's right and she shouldn't be hanging about with another man when she's married. Ridiculous.

Thatisall Sun 12-Jan-14 14:48:12

OP my dh went taking photos with a female friend of his. It's actually his friend's wife. I have no problem with this and joke that I 'lend' him out to her!
One of my closest friends is my xboyf. Dh doesn't mind me spending time with him, he even asks me 'what does *think. ' when I have a dilemma. We like you are comfortable and secure in our relationship and have nothing to fear from these friendships. I feel sorry for people who aren't 'allowed' friends like this.

Thatisall Sun 12-Jan-14 14:44:48

ukatlast. You wouldn't be happy for your partner to have a friend of the opposite sex? Why?

annieorangutan Sun 12-Jan-14 14:40:16

Your friend sounds a bit nutty.

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