in wanting my unreasonableness accommodated?(159 Posts)
I know I'm being unreasonable but given the circumstances want this to be accommodated. AIBU?
I live abroad and get to travel home once a year. Last year I didn't as I was heavily pregnant so when I go in a few weeks it will be the first time I've seen my parents for 2 years and the first time any of my family have met my son.
I normally stay with my parents. My sister lives nearby and visits them several times a week with her 4 kids and their large, friendly bouncy dog. I want my sister to leave her dog at her house for the week I'm staying. My sister is throwing a strop and refusing to do this and my parents are saying they don't want to get drawn in, which feels like they're prioritising the dog over their grandson.
I know AIBU however in my defence 2 months ago DS (then 5 months old) was attacked by my fuckwitted ex friends dog. Thankfully he wasn't seriously hurt and his face has almost completely healed now and he seems to be completely over it. Unfortunately I am still totally traumatised. I can feel a panic attack coming on just writing this. I know it wasn't my sister's dog, I know it's unfair to punish him for this other dog's behaviour but I can't stay with DS in a house where there is a dog running free. I just can't. In fact I think I'd rather just cancel and not go at all.
So flame away. I'm being PFB aren't I?
I don't think that's unreasonable. It sounds like you're anxious about all dogs now which is totally understandable.
If your DSis knows about the dog arrack she should be a bit more understanding and sensitive
I cannot believe your parents haven't bothered to visit you or their grandson. I love dogs, but you are understandably traumatised. Sod the lot of them - I wouldn't even be visiting.
"I love my dog and want to take him with me as much as I can"
Why? I used to have two cats whom I absolutely adored. I still regarded them as house pets (in my house) and it wouldn't have occurred to me to take them with me everywhere. I would be the same with a dog.
OP: I sympathise with you. It must been a terrible experience for you all.
Your sister's dog is used to children and no threat to your baby.
As Topseyt has said could you use this as an opportunity to introduce your baby to a friendly dog.
I think you're spot on there SiliconeSally my parents are scared of her tantrums. They won't pull her up on anything because they know it'll mean tantrum of epic proportions and they won't get to see their grandchildren. It's why they get to run riot, because my parents are scared to tell them to behave because sister will explode if they do.
I would be happy if the dog was put in another room and left there, but I know her enough to know that won't happen. She won't compromise. She'll see it as a 'your either for her or against her' thing.
adeucalione no we don't talk directly. Sad fact is that we have no relationship whatsoever. The only contact I have with her is in passing at my parents. I know she lives in the same village as my parents, but I don't even know her address.
Can you still afford to visit if you stay in a hotel or rent a holiday cottage nearby? In your circumstances, I would want to make sure I had somewhere dog-freeI could go when your sis visits your parents with her dog (and selfish, tantrummy ass) in tow, paricularly if there's any chance you or your son could find having the dog around stressful or upsetting. If your parents are offended by your decision, tough.
yanbu , i have 2 big bouncy dogs and would not dream of taking them to other peoples houses , i think given your circumstances your sister is out of order .
Suppose you invite your parents to come and stay with you instead/ Would they come?
If you want to see your parents I wouldn't make a point of escalating the situation with your sister - nothing to be gained really, since you see so little of them. I would just go out when she is expected with the dog, but make no big deal about it. If your Mum asks just say 'well I did explain that at the moment I don't feel comfortable about it, so I'll take the opportunity to pop over to so-and-so, or go for a walk or shopping or whatever is available.
Sorry you don't get much back-up.
I love my dog, and sometimes it's a pain to have to organise dogsitters, but if I know that the people we're visiting aren't "dog people," for whatever reason, that's what I do. No question. I used to be one of their number, for a start.
Others we visit are perfectly fine about him coming along, even the non-doggy lovelies who just laughed when they discovered him curled up on their bed!
Your sister's dog is used to children and no threat to your baby.
Sorry, but there's absolutely no way you can know that. The OP's sister may have older children, the dog may be aggressive but the OP's sister turns a blind eye to it. The papers regularly report dog attacks on children & many more go unreported. I don't recall the OP mentioning the breed of dog, but it might be more inclined to aggression against the OP and her don if it perceives them to be fearful, avoidant or submissive. That sweeping generalistion is totally unjustified IMO. (And I grew up in a family with dogs before someone accuses me of being a cat lover.)
I think you can't expect the dog to not be there from what you've said, YANBU to not want the dog there, but that's not going to happen.
So, other solutions, could you stay elsewhere, a hotel or b&b in the village/another village nearby? That way you have somewhere to leave too. You can tell your parents it's because of the dog.
Another option would be to cancel going but to offer to pay for flights for your parents to visit you.
Or you could just cancel and accept you don't see your family for another few years until
the dog is dead you feel more comfortable.
Oh yes, your last few posts make me think she's deliberately trying to sabotage your visit by insisting on bringing her dog round, so think on whether you're prepared to let her drive a wedge between you and your parents. In our house we have a saying (which will be meaningless without a long, boring explanation): "it's not about the carrots!" In your case, it would be "it's not about the dog!" - I get that it kind of is about the dog, bur its about so much more besides.
My sister's dog is a border collie. They got him when her youngest was 4. I don't believe he has any history of problems with children but then neither had the dog which attacked DS. That dog was used to my ex friend's grandchildren visiting, that's why she stuck DS in it's face to say 'hello'.
I can't believe anyone is thinking that this is an unreasonable request. How can anyone prioritise an animal over a child's safety and peace of mind.
I'd be very tempted to cancel my visit if your sister doesn't promise to leave the dog at home. Her attitude to her nephew is disgusting. You are not asking anything much really. Your parents have their priorities all wrong.
How can anyone compromise and child's safety and peace of mind
The sister's dog didn't attack anyone, so there is no safety being compromised is there? It was a different dog that did the damage.
Unless the OP hopes to avoid all dogs forever, her request, while understandable, is unrealistic. She is projecting what happened onto a different dog. The baby's safety is not being compromised.
Have you explained this as you did in your posts to your parents and your sister? It's completely unsurprising and understandable that you don't want to be around the dog.
Thanks for sharing that totally irrelevant point, Bunbaker.
I can see both sides but wouldn't it perhaps help you to get over your fear of dogs by being with a known dog with known people? You can't avoid dogs forever.
In your shoes, I would just cancel the visit, and ask if your parents would like to come visit you instead and meet their grandson.
You'll be staying a week in a house with your parents you haven't seen for 2 years? And they refuse to be drawn in to a request you've made about their house?
Sorry, but yes your sister is being a pita but your parents should be saying what they will or won't do so you can decide whether you feel comfortable visiting or not. I understand why your worried as well after the attack. But even without that it's your parents house so they could say to your sister - no dog that week.
"The sister's dog didn't attack anyone, so there is no safety being compromised is there?"
Neither had the dog that attacked the OP's child. I am not anti dogs at all, but I accept that they are animals and are unpredictable. Any dog owner who doesn't recognise this shouldn't have a dog.
OP, if you have no relationship with your
selfish sister then it won't be any skin off her nose if you disappear when she visits. You shouldn't let her spoil your plans for visiting your family. It sounds to me like your sister has been getting her own way for far too long and no-one has the backbone to stand up to her.
Yabu and she is a little. My dd was attacked by my mother in laws dog, so I get your feelings. However, insisting all dogs be kept away because you say so is bu. dogs will come near your child at some point, the longer it is the more chance of there being issues.
Personally I think this is n't about the dog but about issues you have with your parents and sister.
...OR you could just ask your parents to give you advance warning for when your sister and her dog is going to be there so you can be out of the house.
"Thanks for sharing that totally irrelevant point, Bunbaker."
That's OK . What I am trying to say is that no matter how much you love your pets you should leave them at home when visiting other people, especially if you know they won't be welcome.
This "love me love my dog attitude" is selfish and inconsiderate. After all, dog owners can't take their dogs shopping or to work, so they must be used to not having them everywhere they go.
As nobody has met the baby, I would suspect the baby would get a lot of attention.
The dog could be jealous of this and attack the baby.
It's not a risk worth taking.
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