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SIL's Wedding

(149 Posts)
FerretsRfun Sat 11-Jan-14 15:42:21

Firstly some background i'm 28+2 with my first, arraigning my own wedding, arraigning all the details for our first mortgage, PIL's offered a loan to cover the deposit for this year, out of work currently with work guaranteed for July and while me and DP are surviving on his wages alone once i am back at work i will not be earning that much more than maternity allowance so would much prefer a few small family treats eg being able to have a take away or being able to buy a few new things for baby rather than all second hand rather than saving for this "holiday" (also will be paying back loan to PIL's as well)
To top it all of me and DP have thankfully very similar ideas of what we like in holidays which is a caravan in the New Forest taking the dogs with us smile

Just to compare our "wedding" will consist of me and DP signing a wedding certificate just before we register Baby's birth as it saves 2 trips and possibly a small party at my Uncles property (he hosts wedding's lots). several months later our honeymoon including baby's travel is very generously being paid for by PIL's a 3 day cruise to France/Germany

SIL announced yesterday that she wanted her wedding in either the Canaries, America or a Private island which they would hire for 2 weeks at a cost of around 100k and splitting the cost between the wedding party as "you would all be staying on the island with us"
She also said that as she was giving family a year or two's notice that we all had no excuse not to come and pay 3k or more for the privilege, she hasn't decided on summer 2015/16 yet

Now are me and DP BU in saying no way will we be able to afford it already?
We mentioned it to her yesterday and she basically told us if DP loved her we would save the money somehow and that we were expected to be there under any circumstances
to top it all off PIL'S said we should easily be able to manage to save the money, they have been very generous but do not seem to realize our financial situation

Our arguments are that :-
We will have a child under the age of 2 for possibly a flight of several hours or more, we may even have another baby by that stage
Kennel costs of someone watching our animals for 2 weeks
A mortgage and other debts to pay
And to top it all if we did somehow due to lottery or death of family member leaving us money manage to save that amount of money we have talked for years about saving for a caravan or being able to get those odd bits we have always wanted but never been able to afford before eg replace our awful falling apart death trap lovely car, being able to go out for a drink without saving for 2 months first

Are we BU saying that even if we can magically save the money that we will unfortunately not be attending if the wedding is overseas, i mean can they really expect all their friends and family to pay that much?

P.S after a quick read through i just want to state we are in no way jealous of their disposable income we just have very different ideas of what will make our wedding day special and hope they have a lovely time x

CoffeeTea103 Sat 11-Jan-14 15:49:48

You are definitely not being unreasonable!! I can't believe how utterly self absorbed some people can be. You have plenty of good reasons why you cannot go. Also you don't need to explain your financial position to her.

Sorry but tell her you have priorities and other things come first.

CMOTDibbler Sat 11-Jan-14 15:53:37

YANBU. People who get married abroad have to accept gracefully that their priorities are not other peoples and not everyone will choose to attend.

Just keep repeating 'sorry, but thats not going to work for us' - best to keep out of details or reasoning, just you and dh keeping to the same line.

clara26 Sat 11-Jan-14 15:54:52

YANBU I find people who get married abroad and just expect people to be there incredibly selfish. I couldn't save 3k in two years and if I could it would be going on something for us, not someone else's wedding. Tell her to sod off.

diddl Sat 11-Jan-14 15:54:58

"and she basically told us if DP loved her we would save the money somehow"hmm

And if she was bothered about him being there she'd get married with no/little inconvenience to him!

3000GBP to go to a wedding!

I doubt mine cost that!

Don't give reasons-just say no-it's a request for you to be there which can either be declined or accepted.

True fact-it could be declined even if you could afford it/it was no hassle!

WooWooOwl Sat 11-Jan-14 15:55:49


If she wants you there she can pay for it.

Turn her pathetic argument back on her and tell her that if she really loved her bother then she would either have a wedding somewhere he could attend without messing up his finances for years, or she would pay for him and his family to be there.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 11-Jan-14 15:58:54

YANBU at all.

What does your DH think? Could he possibly go alone?

Bubblegoose Sat 11-Jan-14 15:59:58

Hiring a private island!? shock

FrankieStien Sat 11-Jan-14 16:00:00


SIL is being ridiculous.

girlywhirly Sat 11-Jan-14 16:04:23

YANBU. No-one has the right to dictate that others should spend that ridiculous amount of money and also their annual leave on their wedding. One that may not last, given the statistics. Just say no, she can get married wherever she likes but you cannot commit to attending as who knows what your circumstances will be in a couple of years. Even SIL can't predict what might happen to herself and her fiance in that space of time.

perplexedpirate Sat 11-Jan-14 16:08:15

YANBU. I've read some stuff on here about brides find bad but this takes the (wedding) cake!
Dividing the cost of her wedding between the guest?! Hiring a private fucking island?! ...the fuck?!
Not a chance in hell would I be even considering this. It's completely bananas and she sounds like a spoilt madam.

BabyMummy29 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:12:38

If that's what she wants to do for her wedding that's fine but she shouldn't impose it on others and expect them to pay a large amount of their own money for the privilege.

3K is a lot of money and I know of lots of things I'd rather spend it on than going to somebody else's wedding.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 11-Jan-14 16:15:04

Ha ha ha. She is mad.

FerretsRfun Sat 11-Jan-14 16:16:34

Whewww i did think for a while that i was BU but glad to see that im not

perplexedpirate and bubblegoose yeh a private island they went to America over Christmas with PIL's to visit family and had a cruise on the way back visiting some island that you can book for weddings and fell in love with it
Have to admit all her idiotic stupid lovely helpful comments about our baby are not helping her position grin

FerretsRfun Sat 11-Jan-14 16:18:34

Oh and no DP has no wish to go at all he thinks it's a waste i'm the one that worried about saying no smile

NoelOfLorst Sat 11-Jan-14 16:20:15

Tell her you'll give them your final answer when you've both managed to stop laughing.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 11-Jan-14 16:24:45

If she can afford to pay that sort of money just for her wedding day, and her db means so much to her, then she can pay for you to go. She won't mind if he means that much to her.

What a spoilt brat. Is she a z list celebrity? What world is she in? How many people do you know that hire an island just to get married?

Floggingmolly Sat 11-Jan-14 16:28:09

Oh, just tell her to fuck off! If you engage with this nonsense now you'll never extricate yourself.

Nojustalurker Sat 11-Jan-14 16:29:45

Tell her if she loved you she would not put you under this financial ane emotional pressure.

BrownSauceSandwich Sat 11-Jan-14 16:31:50

Oh bless her, and her complete divorce from reality.

frugalfuzzpig Sat 11-Jan-14 16:34:15


If she wants to pay that much to get married abroad then fair enough but you can't expect everyone to be able to go FFS, what a loon

Mabelandrose Sat 11-Jan-14 16:36:53

Just say now that you will not be attending. Keep it short and sweet.

Meerka Sat 11-Jan-14 16:38:49

3K for each of the guests?

then she is getting offended? No way whatsoever is she being reasonable.

If she wants to get married on an island, fair enough. But to put pressure on people to go and pay that much is ... eh, gotta say it. Blind and arrogant and idiotic.

ShadowFall Sat 11-Jan-14 16:41:14


Even if your financial situation was good, your SIL's wedding ideas are demanding an awful lot from her guests.

And as for this if you love me you'll come business - easy enough to turn it round and say that if she really loves your DH & wants him there, that she'd make it easier for him to attend (e.g. by having a wedding near home).

Asheth Sat 11-Jan-14 16:42:11

YANBU, but as it won't cost your Sil much to attend your wedding she can show how much she loves you by giving you by £3000 as a wedding present can't she? wink

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