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I feel sick at the thought of this hen party

(158 Posts)
KittyLane1 Sat 11-Jan-14 14:12:01

I'm due to go to a hen party next month. Bride is the fiance of DHS close friend. She has turned from a really nice person to major bridezilla this has resulted in her arranging the wedding to suit her family/friends entirely and left his out, as a result, DH and I are evening only guests and since that means traveling from nearly London to Edinburgh, we are going to have to decline.

The main problem is the hen party. She is an older first time bride and nearly 15 years older than me. Her hen party is a sit down meal and old school disco in fancy dress, mainly attended by her family and a few friends. Sorry I'm rambling, here's the thing, she has invited DHS ex, the ex he cheated on me with when dd was 3 months old, the ex who bragged about it (god knows why) to all mutual friends, the ex who nearly broke up my marriage.

Dh said he would put me in a nice spa hotel to male a real weekend of it but when I mentioned his ex he got huffy and retreated to the man cave. It's still a sore point for us.

So am I unreasonable for not wanting to attend a hen party dressed as tinkerbell, face his ex and not even get invited to the wedding? I don't want to piss off the bride bit I don't want to spend all night miserable and avoiding the ex.

KittyLane1 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:03:51

No she is not a good friend of the bride, more of an old school mate of the groom.

I accepted in July, found out yesterday that ex was going

piratecat Sun 12-Jan-14 11:30:04

did you not think when you accepted the invite that she might well be invited too?

is she a good friend of the bride to be?

diddl Sun 12-Jan-14 11:21:55

You don't want to go & it seems you won't.

But if there was no cheating & you believe that, then why would you let her being there stop you if you did want to go?

Now I'd be suspicious of his turnaround!

plantsitter Sun 12-Jan-14 11:16:00

I recently didn't attend something that was going to make me feel shit for different reasons.

How often do you get to go out and spend loads of money on having fun on your own? presumably hardly ever. Plan something else that you can actually look forward to rather than dread. You don't need to prove yourself, you need to look after yourself and that meansspending free time and money on things that will build you up not test your strength.

Well done for not going.

KittyLane1 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:10:09

She admitted she lied about the assault*
The assault had nothing to do with dh, different guy

KittyLane1 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:09:01

Part of me does believe dh because when I confronted him he seemed genuinely shocked and upset. I knew him for a year before we got together and we have been together 6 years, cheating would be out of character for him. Plus the ex once lied about being sexually assaulted when drunk (he admitted she lied) so it would not be out of character for her to lie to cause trouble. However the texts speak for themselves.

Dh has suddenly become very supportive of me not going and has made a big effort to make me feel good. Compliments, a massage, ran me a nice bath etc.

I think the bride just invited everyone she knows to be honest

SauceForTheGander Sun 12-Jan-14 10:18:13

Sorry - plenty of notice

SauceForTheGander Sun 12-Jan-14 10:17:47

I am also normally in the camp you said yes you can't bail. But with plat try if notice and valid reasons you have nothing to feel awkward about.

And if DH is smarting over deposit money tell him to start a thread in AIBU - we're here to help with these life quandaries grin

YouTheCat Sun 12-Jan-14 10:10:13

I don't see why you'd bother going anyway. I'd give the 'happy couple' about 2 years before it all goes tits up.

This ex/ow sounds nasty and I can't see why she was invited.

Ruprekt Sun 12-Jan-14 10:08:55

Sauce....I agree with you!

I was not going when I read the fancy dress bit! gringringringrin

Ugh! Anyone over 15 in fancy dress is just wrong!

I too, do not care what others think and do not do things to placate others.

Am glad you said No.

Stay strong and do not be swayed ((and possibly get rid of your very unsupportive Husband))

SauceForTheGander Sun 12-Jan-14 09:58:41

Kitty - I wouldn't go just because of the wanky fancy dress let alone all the other reasons.

One of the fantastic things about hitting 40 is that I do not give flying fuck about what people (non friends / family) think of me. I absolutely feel no guilt over saying "you know what I can't make it, hope it goes well but I'm sure you understand it's your special night and there's too much unresolved between me and ex. I'd hate for that to hang over your important night" and then do not budge or concede anything. As for your DH. Well words fail me.

They have all shown a casual disregard for you. You DH, the ex, the Bride.

Do not sweat over this. Spas are shit, fancy dress is grim and the Ex, Bridezilla are welcome to get drunk and applaud themselves without you as an audience.

I'm guessing this has dragged up a lot of issues. I'm sorry for that.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 09:41:27

So you've had these past three years of pain knowing that your dh cheated yet feeling unable to do anything about it?
How are things between you now?

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 09:28:30

Thank god op! When I read the op I was astonished that you would even think of putting yourself through that!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 12-Jan-14 09:19:53

I'm glad you decided not to go op.

I'm so sorry that your h put you in this situation. He sounds like a twat.

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 12-Jan-14 09:11:24

That sounds like the worst weekend ever. Don't go.

Nombrechanger Sun 12-Jan-14 08:34:31

Christ, I just noticed your other post, OP.
This is also an awful situation to be in. Like I said, life's too short and you're worth much more than that.
The hen do would be the least of my troubles.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-Jan-14 08:30:10

this whole circle of people sounds like a nightmare op. The problem with not resolving the alleged affair debacle is that there will be more similar events that cause you pain. Gave you considered counselling re the affair. I think that the man cave is an excuse not to be honest and open about the relationship...and a sign of guilt.

Nombrechanger Sun 12-Jan-14 08:27:43

Life's too short to put yourself in situations that you can't find any reason to be in. It sounds awful.

SapphireMoon Sun 12-Jan-14 08:24:22

Make sure you stick to your guns op and try not to get involved with any silliness from Bride, friends or dh.
You are not going as have other plans [washing hair, cutting your toe nails etc]. You don't need to say why, none of anyones business.

willyoulistentome Sun 12-Jan-14 08:23:52

Wild horses could not drag me there if I were in your shoes. Your DH I is a past if he can't see your point.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-Jan-14 08:15:32

You're eh sounds like a prick. I'd get rid tbh.

Inertia Sun 12-Jan-14 07:47:03

The stress of going isn't worth it. If bride or other friends complain , you could say that the Ex has form for making totally inappropriate comments about your husband ; you wanted to avoid possible upset for the bride so you are bowing out gracefully so as not to spoil the bride's evening. This makes you look like the dignified person in this horrid situation.

Tell your husband the same thing if he moans , and remind him that it's his conduct that led to this in the first place. Don't be bullied into submission. (He wouldn't be the first cheating man to get some kind of thrill frpm the thought of his wife and OW 'competing' for him. )

Chottie Sun 12-Jan-14 07:24:13

I would not go to the wedding evening do or the hen party. Good luck I really hope this works out for you.

KatOD Sun 12-Jan-14 07:16:28

Can completely see why you don't want to go.

pigletmania Sat 11-Jan-14 19:46:06

Bridezilla I meant

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