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Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

(172 Posts)
VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:38:35

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute. hmm

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jan-14 12:31:25

Tbh guys I think we are wasting our breath. The OP made it clear that she didnt want to hear what we are saying about his drug and alcohol abuse, and have probably left the thread.

Sadly, that means her baby will suffer sad

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:14:06

I agree that she needs to address his substance abuse before she tackles the financial issue, indeed I imagine her/their financial situation would greatly improved if he kicked his habit.
What I am saying about cannabis is that it is becoming more and more socially acceptable and I think this is wrong. Using words/phrases such as 'just weed' or 'a smoke' is undermining the fact this is an 'illegal substance' (mcap is a drug)
I'm not generalising but it is proven a high percentage of cannabis users do use another or have used another illegal substance and also have a higher chance of committing criminal offences.
We all may know friends/family that have used this drug before but I think we forget the dealer that's behind these people we know, I for one have never met a 'nice' drug dealer.

Chippednailvarnish Sun 12-Jan-14 12:10:11

You can smoke what you want, just don't claim you are in a fit state to care for a baby at the same time.

PurpleSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 11:42:50

BettyBoo I think the drug and alcohol abuse / dependence should be the main focus, as I said upthread. The financial issues won't get sorted otherwise and may well get worse if his use escalates.

But based on your post upthread about catalysts and wtaf is mcap, I would say we're at opposite ends of the spectrum in the drugs debate & don't want to derail the thread further.

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:35:56

I don't think posters are necessarily having a go at the op for her dp's drug addiction, I think they are more alarmed she's allowing it around their dc's. And her main concern was the financial issue and the cannabis use was just dropped in - when surely it should be the main focus?

PurpleSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 11:29:42

I don't dispute that Chunderella. I just think the focus on 'OMG drugs!' in some posts and having a go at the OP for his drug / alcohol problem is also tedious.

OP your DH has a substance abuse problem and if not physically is almost certainly psychologically dependent on using weed and beer to unwind. I very much doubt his assertion that he will immediately moderate this enough to be a responsible carer. Even if he fully intends to, he'll probably fail, or will justify 'just a wee spliff / beer'.

I very much doubt he'll stop prioritising spending on it unless he breaks the daily habit completely, not tries to cut down (because it'll just escalate again). He will also use any excuse he can (e.g. you treating yourself) to divert cash to his habit, despite the fact your treats don't impair your ability to care for your child.

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:26:44

#Don't know where catalyst came from I meant gateway.

BettyBoo246 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:18:41

purplesprout no doubt your friends daughter smokes weed because she's had to grow up watching her mother smoke it daily.. Surely the chain has to be broken somewhere? Otherwise smoking illegal substances will just become the norm and socially acceptable - I for one do not want my ds growing up thinking its acceptable!
Statistics also show that most coke/heroine/crack/mcap addicts start off on canabis - it's a catalyst drug!
How you can compare it to a g&t is laughable, a g&t is not illegally, a g&t dealer won't come knocking at your door threatening you for unpaid debts, a g&t won't lead you on to class a drugs and a g&t won't get you banged up!
If cannabis was a substance that was snorted or injected instead of smoked would you still see it as 'just a bit of weed'

Chunderella Sun 12-Jan-14 10:40:33

Yes, there's a colossal difference between studying or raising an older child whilst using a lot of drugs and alcohol, and combining full time work with substantial periods of being the only carer for a child. The idea that this is just about people's puritanical disapproval of weed is pretty fucking tedious: plenty of posters had equivocated drug and alcohol use before you did purplesprout. No doubt all of us who've been students know people who spent much of their course wasted and still done very well. It's certainly possible to combine even real dependency on drugs and/or alcohol and still do very well, temporarily at least. However, here we have someone with impaired function after 6pm every evening, which suggests either he's starting even earlier, it affects him very quickly or both. He has significant health problems, and while cannabis use may be beneficial to people with his condition, drinking way over the recommended limits won't be. So that's another worry. His habits must be costing them at least £250 a month (if my calculations upthread are correct) at a time when money is tight, and he reacts with anger at the idea he might cut down on his inessential spending. And he's going to be spending long periods as the primary carer for a helpless baby, something that it doesn't sound like he has any experience of yet. All these things make his situation different the high functioning friends you describe.

OP I agree that some of the comments have been a bit extreme, but you do have a very real problem. Seriously, do you know what he's actually going to do when he's doing the childcare alone? Because it sounds like at the moment, he's spending most of his non-work and non-sleep time under the influence. I'm guessing you do the night wake ups? How is this going to fit with your shifts- will you actually be there overnight or is that when you'll work? I agree that some counselling might be helpful too but I think the practicalities need sorting too!

JeanSeberg Sun 12-Jan-14 08:24:42

We have a drugs and alcohol policy at work which includes random testing. I had to sack someone last month because they failed the random test due to cannabis use.

yeah we all know someone who <insert dodgy pastime here> and turned out just fine. but I know someone who smoked weed everyday and whose mental health was affected by it.

pricklyPea Sun 12-Jan-14 05:50:34

I am sorry but smoking weed is not a hobby. Cycling is a hobby, stamp collecting is a hobby. Setting's fire to drugs and inhaling them like a teenage pothead when you have a baby to look after is a joke.

You supported him while he was ill and now he's spit his dummy out over the fact he'll have to cover the other half of the rent. Lucky you.

Do not get a joint account with this person. The thought of leaving my precious child with someone who is under the influence of drugs is unthinkable. I think you're brainwashed unfortunately I hope you get the help you need.

Upcycled Sat 11-Jan-14 23:34:42


We have 1 joint acc which is savings.
But we separate the bills. Dh pay some of the bills and I pay others. He pays more because he works FT and earns more. I work PT due to choice and pay less. When I was not working DH was responsible for all the bills.
I have full access to Dh's acc and he has access to mine too, through internet banking.
Dh has similar 'hobbies' although less quantities. But when he is sole carer he does not smoke, drinks 1 can or 2 maximun and goes to bed when dd goes.

MrsWilliamBodie Sat 11-Jan-14 23:06:23

The OP has a very young baby to look after, not a PhD graduate, with a DH whose weed and alcohol habit is such that it impacts on what he is capable of doing after 6pm everyday, even though they both work shifts and he will be required to be in sole charge of the young baby. This is a DH who already begrudges the money that his young family needs, all the while happily blowing money on his own 'pleasures'.

Vodka I think it would be sensible to not financially link yourself to your DH more than you already are. I hope things work out for you but, just in case, making yourself more financially independent might be wise.

PurpleSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 22:13:25

Jesus H Christ, I know someone very week who smokes weed daily and has for years, but no more than a little. Her daughter has just got a PhD. She also smokes a bit of weed, but less than her mother.

Fucks sake people. Having a go at OP because her DP smokes weed? I don't see a weak spliff as any different from 'I'll have no more than a G&T'.

Having said all that, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could fling him OP. If he could genuinely stick to a weak spliff and no alcohol, wouldn't he do it more often to help you? If he can do it when he must that means he's not a hopeless addict, but if he can, but can't choose to do it to help you, you surely have to ask how much he values you? It would really help you if he calmed it, but he won't if you're there to pick up the slack. That's not how you treat someone you love.

Vakant Sat 11-Jan-14 19:49:48

I have to agree with previous posters who say that the weed smoking and drinking is not normal or appropriate. And I say that as someone who used to regularly indulge in recreational drugs pre children. I still like a drink now I have children, and whilst I haven't touched drugs I wouldn't be averse to a toke on a spliff at a party if I was childless for the evening, but I haven't and wouldn't seek it out. That's "normal", not drinking and smoking excessively on a daily basis, that is addiction.

chalchalchal Sat 11-Jan-14 19:05:43

And I totally agree with those that say don't get a joint account with him. He'll soon be dipping into it to fund his dirty little habits, and will happily see you and your child go short of money as long as he has what he wants.

chalchalchal Sat 11-Jan-14 19:04:20

Taking/smoking drugs is bad enough but I cannot abide people who take drugs and make out that they're oh-so-sensible and that they can pace themselves.

Taking drugs is taking drugs. If he was a responsible partner and father he would stop.

As I said before, I would find someone like him utterly repulsive.

PrivateBenjamin Sat 11-Jan-14 19:01:02

Do NOT get a joint account with him OP. He will then be able to rinse through your baby's money. Joint accounts only work when you know you're not going to get screwed over.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:55:44

Totally agree Cola

You can never never trust an addict with money.

CuriosityCola Sat 11-Jan-14 18:54:11

I am a firm believer in shared finances. However, I would be very wary of having a joint account with this man. If you do set one up I would have your salary paid into your own account and only use the joint account for bills to come out of. I wouldn't leave your finances open to miss use.

I think you might find it worthwhile posting in relationships.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:53:16

Oh and be aware that when you ask him how much a weeks worth of dope will cost him, he will lie. You can double the amount he tells you and probably still be below what he actually spends.

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:52:10

Chipping has a point. Fear of losing 'enough money' to support his vices?!

He isnt a skinflint at all if he is happy to set fire to a significant amount of his income, and piss another portion up the wall. I suspect his "skinflint" tendencies are actually that he cant afford to support his addictions and buy anything but the most basic of everything.

I think you need to find out exactly how much his addictions are costing your family (and they are costing your family, because you are pulling up the slack by providing for your DS when he should be contributing). If he drink 6 lagers a night, not a premium lager, then that will be costing him about £6, every night. So £42 a week (assuming Carling, if he drinks Stella or some such then you can add another £1 per day, so almost £50 a week).

So between £40 and £50 on booze. 3 spliffs a night...I have no idea of the cost of cannabis, but I cant imagine its cheap. So lets estimate the same as the booze, another £40. Does he smoke cigarettes aswell? £7.50 per pack, 1 pack per day is over £50 a week.

A conservative estimate is £130 a week he is either pissing down the bog or setting fire to.

Not looking like such a skinflint now is he? And as you are making up the slack for his refusal to contribute to your child, he is effectively using £65 of your money every single week to support his drinking and drug taking.

ChippingInWadesIn Sat 11-Jan-14 18:40:59

Vodka - for me the most shocking part of all of this is that you planned having a baby with him. I don't get it. He drinks to excess, he smokes a lot of weed every night, he's selfish and has a horrible attitude. Why oh why? If you were my friend or DD I'd be really upset. I'm only saying this because you said that if your situation wasn't 'normal' then you'd get help and I hope to help show you that you should x

Anyway, you now have a lovely DS - so it's not all bad smile

However, there are things that have to change. Only you know your DH and if he will 'man up' or not, but tbh it's not looking that hopeful as he a) hasn't already and b) is acting like a twat re money for DS. << Fear of losing 'enough money' to support his vices?!

I would not be getting a joint account with him. To me, that is not the answer.

I would suggest he puts a set amount each week into your account to cover 'his share' of DS's expenses (and anything else you think he's not paying his share of) and keep your independence.

I don't understand why you think YOU should have been paying all of DS's expenses and why maternity leave is 'costing' YOU but not him?

Bogeyface Sat 11-Jan-14 18:39:37

It isnt extreme at all.

Just because your situation isnt as bad doesnt mean it is good. A drug addict who drinks too much is still a drug addict who drinks too much whether he is living on a park bench in filthy clothes and begging for Special Brew money, or living in a 4 bed home with a good job. And neither is an appropriate carer for a child.

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