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Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

(172 Posts)
VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:38:35

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute. hmm

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

MrsArthurWellesley Fri 10-Jan-14 09:55:00

I was all ready to say YABU then I read that he's not covering any baby expenses.

don't get me started on the weed smoking

Mamafratelli Fri 10-Jan-14 09:55:49

Uh oh. All of our money is pooled so no experience but he is being a complete and utter idiot.

WilsonFrickett Fri 10-Jan-14 09:56:21

I think there is one of two scenarios going on here:

1) OP has spent excessively and having had some time off for ill health her P is aware that it would have been wiser to not spend so much.

2) P is a pissed-up stoner who is petrified about losing any of his drugs budget.

Of course there's always a 3) which is likely to be somewhere in the middle of that...

Lj8893 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:58:29

Wtf?? I don't get the whole her money, his money thing.

Me and dp have separate accounts but things come out of both of them, depending on who has money at the time. If I haven't got any money but am going out, dp gives me the money, and vice versa.

Just bizarre not to do that IMO.

Xenadog Fri 10-Jan-14 09:59:19

What a horrible man!

Seriously he needs to step up to the mark as a father and a husband. Has he considered that maybe he wouldn't have health issues if his lifestyle was better as well?

My Mat leave is rubbish but DP has said once I go down to stat mat he will pay my share of all household bills (we both put into a "pot") and my car loan which is totally separate. He also paid off a personal loan I had before I began mat leave to free up any money I do have coming in.

This is what a kind and loving man does - he steps up to the mark to look after his child and the mother of his child. Your "D"H sounds like a poor excuse for a man.

onlyfortonight Fri 10-Jan-14 09:59:53

So, how much is a regular weed habit and a fair amount of beer these days?

Similar in cost to a couple of coffees a week in Costa?

You need a joint account and he needs to man up and become a responsible father.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 10-Jan-14 09:59:59

I agree with the others. He's your husband and your son's father their should be no question of his money and yours when it comes to essentials like rent it should be pooled. He would not be unreasonable to ask you to cut back on non essential stuff for DS if you spend a lot in this respect if money were pooled but other than that he is way out of order.

does he smoke a lot of weed? maybe it's affected his brain. I'm not being ott, I used to live with a weed 'addict' (i know it's not physically addictive but psychologically, i think it can be) and it was the cause of many a problem.

JeanSeberg Fri 10-Jan-14 10:01:44

Tell us about the weed smoking, OP.

onlyfortonight Fri 10-Jan-14 10:02:08

On the positive side for you - you may get a little extra than SMP for the first month - you should get a tax rebate. That may be worth setting aside if you can.

MsVestibule Fri 10-Jan-14 10:02:26

If you're a spendthrift, I can see why you wouldn't want him to have control over your spending, but if you have your own 'spends' this isn't an issue. Here's how it works for us:
- All income (inc. child benefit) goes into the joint account. All joint expenses, e.g. mortgage, bills, holidays, car costs, petrol, food shopping, children's clothes and expenses, childcare, come out of this.
- Out of this account, we have set up a SO for the same amount to our own accounts. We can spend this however we like.

Would that work for you? Or would your DH feel you'd still be buying too much for your DS out of the joint account?

redskyatnight Fri 10-Jan-14 10:02:50

How much is your actual income compared to his though?
And how do you normally split bills? Is it 50/50 or some proportion of income? An arrangement you often see on MN is that both partner have equal "spare" money after bills.

If you split bills 50/50 but you normally earn more than him so generally have more disposable income, I can sort of see his point.

But basically you need to agree a "fair" method of splitting income between you.

LessMissAbs Fri 10-Jan-14 10:03:27

YANBU. He "created" half the baby, wastes money himself on drink and drugs and you covered him during a period of unemployment. He is being seriously unfair.

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 10:04:27

what's all this 'my rent' rubbish - you're a couple with a child, it's 'our rent' surely? He doesn't buy anything for the baby - not even essentials like nappies, clothes, general kit? But he'\s got plenty to spend on beer and weed? Jeez, I couldn't give a shit about him smoking weed in the garden, but not at the expense (literally, it sounds like) of your (plural) child.

I was self employed when I had DD, so I got maternity allowance (same at SMP) for 9 months but DH was paying all our mortgage, bills etc, and carried on doing so for quite some time.

You're a couple, a family. Sounds like he doesn't want to acknowledge that life has changed for him - well, tough shit mate, it has!

Out of interest, how old are you/he, and was this a planned baby?

thegreylady Fri 10-Jan-14 10:05:55

I can't get over the casual acceptance of the cannabis! It sounds very sleazy to me. He must have a dealer and furtive transactions . I'd be worried about that with a baby tbh.

fay144 Fri 10-Jan-14 10:08:34

I understand why you would be reluctant to joint up the money totally, if you think he will criticise your spending.

What I did is keep our separate accounts, that our wages go into. And also separate savings accounts, for saving for things like xmas presents and big personal items. We have a joint account, that bills come out of. And a joint savings account, for things like holidays, house repairs, car, baby stuff, etc.

We sat down and decided how much spending money we each needed to keep in our personal accounts each month (completely unaccountable to the other). And then set up standing orders into the joint bill account to cover joint spending, with the remainder going into savings.

We transfer enough into the bills account to cover food, petrol, etc (when the baby gets here, it will also cover all baby stuff). So what is left in my personal account is mine to do what I want with.

LittleThorinOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 10:08:56

Joint account, with you both being left the same amount of spending money.

So if you have 1000 in and him 2000 he pays twice as much.

You need this sorted. Who is going to cover DS expenses over the long term?

He has basically pissed on his chips with you as far as I am concerned. Get it all on a spreadsheet and ask for a sit down official chat.


givemeaclue Fri 10-Jan-14 10:09:58

All money should be pooled

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 10:12:07

So the weed, he smokes everyday in the evening to unwind and yes it does impact on what he can do post 6 pm. I don't know how much he spends on it. I have asked to see the receipts grin

Tonight I will bring up the joint acc issue. To be fair this has been my choice to keep finances separate because he will insist on buying the minimal and cheapest of most things whereas I love mixing it up. I get a kick from a poundshop bargain as much as I enjoy buying tasty bits from a fancy deli!

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 10:13:04

I guess I earn a little more than him so it would be me bringing in 60% of income.

cls77 Fri 10-Jan-14 10:14:10

I was with a weed smoker, a new baby and a business and we never had a joint account either. 10 years later he is now my ex and i am left with a lovely debt that I accumulated trying to pay for all of the bills myself, because I didnt want to upset him hmm I am cls and I am a total mug
You still have time to sort this out OP smile

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 10-Jan-14 10:14:24

I'm normally quite a fierce advocate of separate finances but they only work when they are fair.

He should be paying half towards DD's expenses

every day? sorry but that's disgraceful, he needs to grow up. I don't care what people think about weed, when you've lived with someone who thinks they need it to function, you can understand why it's illegal.

JeanSeberg Fri 10-Jan-14 10:16:44

The finances are the least of your problems if he can't do anything after 6pm because he's stoned.

Was this never discussed before you got pregnant?

MrsOakenshield Fri 10-Jan-14 10:18:05

well, if the weed is rendering him even more useless, then that needs addressing. DH used to be a big weed smoker, but that was pre-baby, he gets the occasional stash these days but doesn't get started on it until DD is bathed and in bed - I wouldn't generally crack open the wine before DD's in bed, precisely because it's all hands on deck then.

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