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to feel I'm not completely to blame...

(14 Posts)
DoomedDeer Sun 05-Jan-14 08:46:12

I am an introvert and I find it very hard to talk about my feelings and emotions face to face (and just general talking to people tbh). So last night I wrote a letter to my DP explaining how I was feeling. IN short terms it said that I was feeling very down. That I'd felt that i had let him down as I'm not the fun, outgoing person he met and fell in love with and that we had become very distant. I said that i thought if we made more time for us (instead of him working constantly, and me never switching off from being a mum) that we could start to fix what was broken. I know that im partly to blame, because for what ever psychological reason I no longer get "turned on" but that's not to say i don't want a physical relationship, i just find it hard to get into the mind frame after being a mum for the entire day. That his constant (I do mean constant) sexual remarks, or harassment is just annoying which makes the problem worse not better.

I get the feeling he has more fun at work than he does with us (DD and I), and it shouldn't be like that. I mentioned in the letter that (when a friend died very suddenly recently) I felt like I had no-one to talk to about why I had been crying for days, it felt like no one wanted to hear.

After reading the letter, he agreed we had some things that need to be fixed. He apologised for not being there when my friend died, but that was it. He suggested that maybe I needed therapy to work out why I no longer wanted sex, and that it was very frustrating to him, that he would try not to bring it up as much. This was a step in the right direction, at least but an hour later he seemed to have forgotten all about it asking me to have "naked cuddles" and such. To be honest it really f**ked me off, and this morning he didn't even say goodbye to me.

So, now I'm left completely depressed and confused, is it me? I really don't know what to do anymore, I feel so down I just don't know how to get myself out of this rut.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 05-Jan-14 08:50:19

In and ideal world, what would you have liked his response to be.

So sorry to hear about your friend OP.

Its absolutely NOT ok to harass you into sex. Or make you feel bad for saying no.

You are a busy mum with a recent bereavement and he keeps baggering you into sex? What an insensative arse.

OP you arent even 1% to blame. You feelings are totally justified, do not appologise for them. X

Toecheese Sun 05-Jan-14 08:52:59

You obviously need to have fun together and feel emotionally close to actually feel like having sex. Have you told him this?

Toecheese Sun 05-Jan-14 08:54:01

I think it's quite normal not to want sex when feeling low

DoomedDeer Sun 05-Jan-14 08:55:24

In an ideal world i'd liked his response to be something along the lines of

i'm sorry you felt like you had no one to, I understand that it takes time to switch off from mum mode and I'm not helping the situation. We will work through this together and try and find the source of the problem. How about we ask someone to babysit, go out and have some time to ourselves....

this will never happen of course.

pinkhollie Sun 05-Jan-14 09:03:11

OP I feel exactly like that about sex at the moment and my DH is only slightly more understanding than yours so I can really empathise. I realised I really miss having just normal adult time with my DH yesterday our little boy was at his gp for the afternoon and just nipping to tesco together and having a chat made me feel so much better.

SoHHKB Sun 05-Jan-14 09:03:39

I really feel for you - five years ago I could have written your post almost word for word except my friend emigrated rather than died sad for you

I hope you can keep talking things through with your OH - can you organise a babysitter so you can spend time together? Although I have to say I struggled with this as I preferred spending time with my dd than with someone who was hoping for sex that I didn't feel like...

Give yourself plenty of time to grieve for your friend - counselling could really be a helpful option but a RL sympathetic ear is just as important. If your DH doesn't provide this, do you have any other frieds/family who will listen?

Good luck and flowers x

CombineBananaFister Sun 05-Jan-14 09:05:03

It sounds like you poured your heart out in a letter to try and address multiple concerns, yet it was only the sexual aspect he took more seriously with a brief nod to all the other things? This would annoy me too.

Think it is totally understandable to not feel like sex when you feel as you do but it might be worth a visit to the doctor in general if everything's getting on top of you to see if there's any underlying cause.

pricklyPea Sun 05-Jan-14 09:09:04

It's hard to be a mum all day and then expect to be able to magically become interested in sex especially if your dp is pestering you and not engaging otherwise which is how it sounds from your post.

You were brave to open up and tell him how you felt and sometimes writing it down is easier as you express yourself without interruption and forgetting things.

I don't think it's just you who needs to fix things and he really needs to take on board what you're saying. I don't agree you need therapy to see why you no longer want sex,I yhthink it's fairly obvious that if you don't feel supported or valued then you won't be interested, I certainly wouldn't be able to switch off from wondering why my dp didn't seem to notice I needed support and simply requested sex.


RedHelenB Sun 05-Jan-14 09:09:50

Why don't you organise a babysitter & then tell him what you 've written down here,

SoupDragon Sun 05-Jan-14 09:19:46

No, you aren't completely to blame and neither is he. I don't use the word "blame" to indicate fault but both of you have let your relationship get to this point - it's very easy for things to slide when you have children and there is no real blame in it IYSWIM but both of you let it happen.

Come up with some suggestions -
regular baby sitter for "date night" (although I hate that term!)
A regular fun activity for you to do as a family
Regular time slot for you to do something alone, just for you
Don't sex therapists often recommend that, for a period of time, you ban actual sex and restrict yourself to foreplay/petting type stuff?
Think about what you can do to make yourself feel less like just a mum.

Good luck.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 05-Jan-14 09:24:18

So you don't get to spend much time together, you're knackered from being a mum all day, you're suffering from a recent bereavement and feeling like no one is there for you, and he's expecting you to forget all of that and perform regularly in the bedroom as well? I'd like to write him a letter!

Dear Doomed's DH,

a good physical relationship is the responsibility of two people. If you aren't supporting her and making an effort to connect with her emotionally, then it's not a massive surprise she's not up for having sex as often as you would like. She's not a blow up doll. You can't ignore her when it suits you, then make a couple of sexual comments and expect her to want to have any kind of cuddles with you, let alone naked ones! Grow the fuck up, pull your finger out of your arse and start supporting your wife, and you might find things improve in more areas than one!

Kind regards
Ella Fitzgerald

Joysmum Sun 05-Jan-14 09:31:32

Trouble is, it's taken you this long to get to the stage of laying your thoughts and doing so in a carefully worded way, you're now hoping he responds in a measured way which invokes having time to read, process and work out how he feels. If I were getting a letter like that from my hubby I'd struggle to respond (and I used to deal with complaints for a living) and I'd feel very hurt that I'd let my husband down.

Also, despite my hubby loving for me a caring for me, he's not hard wired to think in the way I am or communicate in the way I'd like him to. That hasn't changed in 19 years but we both try to be what the other needs. Truth is though, there are times that, although we can appreciate how the other is feeling, we can't think the same way and we both benefit from close friends who do.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 05-Jan-14 11:05:54

Seems perfectly understandable to me as a woman that you are more inclined to want to be physically close when you are emotionally close. His 'jests' and less than subtle hints are his way of making sure you aren't forgetting he feels horny - you know, just in case you suddenly feel madly sexy and forget your DH is gagging for it. Hmm romantic.

As things are at present you are acutely aware that any tentative step you take, he is already three steps ahead. So a warm embrace to keep that physical bond going is for him automatically going to lead to sex. Nuzzling the back of his neck or kisses means full speed ahead to bed.

Some sort of traffic light analogy might spell it out to him. He thinks you're stuck on red while he seems permanently at green. Actually you aren't averse to moving to amber. Providing he lets you move at a pace you can handle. If he backs off and cuts the wisecracks you can feel less pressured.

You had hoped he might suggest a night out on your own together, he didn't so by the look of it, it is going to have to be you setting it up. Easier to switch off being mum and go back to being a gf and lover when out of the domestic setting. Although an introvert by nature you and he must have clicked pre-baby, you are losing your way as a couple but all's not lost.

I am sorry you have lost a friend recently. Have you posted on the MN Bereavement board, there are very understanding posters there.

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