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about ex being half arsed with DS when he's due to move miles away very soon?

(36 Posts)
Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 07:42:08

Bit of background so it's not a drip feed. I fell pregnant by accident and chose to keep DS, telling ex at the time that it was up to him if he wanted to be involved and I'd understand if he chose to have nothing to do with DS. He saw him a handful of times in the first 2 years then asked to have him overnight once a fortnight. It's been like that for a year now and going alright, though it's absoloutely no contact inbetween but DS doesn't seem to mind (he's 3 so not bothered at the moment). Ex is due to move to the far side of Cornwall in a month or so as his mum is moving there and he wants to be with her.

This last month and a half he's cancelled 3 times due to 'illness', only ever giving a few hours notice (surely you know you're too ill to get out of bed more than 2 hours before? hmm )

It was DS's birthday on fri and we heard nothing off ex bt that was ok as he was due to come to DS's party the next day. But 2 hrs before he cancelled as he was ill again. DS was quite upset as he was due to go to his dad's after the party.

I'm angry because a) the few times i've been very ill (like the actual bed-bound type flu and a few stomach bugs) i've asked for help and he's said he's got other things on, but when he's ill he just opts out of being a parent and b) because he only gives a tiny bit of notice

Also, if DS/he gets sick when he has him in Cornwall then how will he handle it? confused

I've avoided pulling him up on it til now as he turns nasty and bring out the 'I dodn't want him anyway/I pay a bit for him and lots of blokes don't' card. But it's not about us, it's about DS!

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 07:43:24

(we live near Reading in Berkshire so Cornwall is a fair drive away).

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 07:50:55

* didn't not dodn't!

Andanotherthing123 Sun 05-Jan-14 07:55:16

It seems as though your Ex has issues with commitment and that his being ill is probably not at the heart of the problem. Have you discussed what kind of contact he will have with DS after he moves? The logistics of getting a small child to Cornwall are massive so it will be up to him to make an effort to come and see his son. It sounds like he may very well struggle to make that commitment, given he seems to be struggling now in much easier circumstances.

If you can, sit down with your ex and talk about how he envisages contact working and be clear about what is acceptable/unacceptable for you and your son. Good luck.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 07:58:49

We did have a sit down as I said I was concerned about the distance as DS has gotten very attatched over the course of a year. He says he will still have him once a fortnight but I find that very hard to believe as it's going to be quite a mission.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 05-Jan-14 07:59:31

It seems quite obvious that he's cancelled because he either can't be bothered, or something better has come up. The first thing that pops into my head is that I wouldn't be at all surprised if he stops contact altogether after his move to Cornwall.

If I were you, I'd get in touch with the CSA. Paying 'a bit' towards his child is just not on. If your DS has got to the age of three and your ex is still making comments like 'I didn't want him' then that doesn't bode well for a future relationship between them.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:01:59

I know.

I just have an awful feelin about it.

I don't understand how he could move that far away from DS tbh but I think that's me being judgy.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:02:33


Scuse the phone typos!

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:09:40

(Oh and he does pay an alright amount towards DS but i'd rather he paid nothing and had a better relationship but heyho).

comedycentral Sun 05-Jan-14 08:12:27

It sounds like he has already 'checked out' of his relationship with your son.

Andanotherthing123 Sun 05-Jan-14 08:16:32

Is he planning on driving from Cornwall to reading to pick up DS then again to drop him off? That's around 20 hours in the car and 10 for DS once a fortnight. Has he actually thought about the physical logistics? Agree about the CSA. You shouldn't have to be grateful for him paying 'a bit' towards his son and have it used as a benign threat.

You can't change your ex, or make him a better dad, don't beat yourself up. You are being a good mum to you son and that's the most important thing.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:17:48

I'm quite glad DS is only just 3. I think he'd have been quite upset about a no contact birthday really. I would have as a kid anyway.

Thing is, ex does a lot of talking about being there for DS but his actions never quite match up. DM & DP think i'm too soft but I just didn't want to be the ex that made a fuss over contact etc. But it's been 3 years now and I think this move is a bit odd.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:19:40

I guess you just hope that if you leave the door open wide enough then everything will work out?

I have said that's a long journey for DS and he might be a pain, whinge, cry, get hungry etc and just not be happy about such a long drive but again he says it'll all be fine.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:27:08

It makes me so angry though. If he doesn't want to be that involved then why bother at all. There's a kid in the middle of this and it feels like he forgets that. I know he didn't want him but he had the choice to walk away and I didn't really want to be pregnant but I dealt with the consequences like an adult.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:33:20

(I know i'm not perfect so don't want to sound self righteous about it all. I'm just fed up of being ok with it when it's really not ok).

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:55:12

We're having a chat on thursday (he's popping over after work because I asked him to). Not really sure how to word it so he doesn't just get really defensive & flounce but heyho.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 05-Jan-14 09:39:12

I wonder whether he'll engineer your meeting as an excuse to break contact. Maybe say that if it's not good enough, then he won't bother seeing him at all.

It's quite clear that you've put your feelings to one side and are concentrating on what's best for your DS, and not getting in the way of any relationship between him and his father. Your ex just doesn't sound as emotionally invested.

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:41:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 10:20:35

I do think he's either not realized how much more difficult long distance contact is or knows and will just use it as an excuse for less contact.

C3P0 Sun 05-Jan-14 10:48:28

Err... Do you not think that this is maybe really hard for your ex? That he's being pulled in different directions and doesn't know what to do? I agree it sounds like he's checking out, but it's hardly easy for him, is it? Maybe you can share the travel when he moves? Don't think you mentioned ages, but you can maybe habituate your kid to use the train reliably? Maybe there's someone who makes a similar journey, who can chaperone?

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 10:53:25

He's 3 and i don't drive currently. Am a student.
His sister is moving there too so his mum won't be alone either way.

Cbeebijeebies Sun 05-Jan-14 11:02:14

It's a difficult situation for him but he's an adult and could just explain instead of making up excuses etc.

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 05-Jan-14 16:02:05

'I didn't want him anyway'?? What is that supposed to mean, that because he didn't choose to have him he can treat him like crap? At three years old, the time for whinging that he didn't want him should be past. Imagine how hurt your DS would be if he heard that. I would see him moving away as a blessing honestly. He sounds far too immature to be a good father.

Bodypopper Sun 05-Jan-14 16:09:41

I think he will check out of fatherhood as soon as he goes to Cornwall and this cancelling is his way of withdrawing by degrees.

It's a hell of a way to have regular contact.

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