MIL from hell

[piplypip]

I've had enough of her! We used to get on fine but since I became a full time mum- I cant take her any more. She is not a stereotypical GP (who is?) so none of the advice pages have anything to offer. She annoys me so much that the mere mention of her sets my teeth on edge and means hubby and I spend the weekend arguing.
She is very controlling and manipulative and very difficult to argue with. I hate arguments and prefer to be all polite and English about it until it all gets too much and then burst into tears and have a go at hubby.
She has never tried to help me since having my son instead she used to bring bag loads of her own laundry (her machine broken) and invite her friends round to meet the baby (2wks old).
He is now 19mnth and we have learned to tactfully say no- but there is always another issue brewing that we have to say no to eg extended family (younger cousins of my hubby) using our house as their uk hotel when they come over from Spain for London shopping trips etc.
Also- she is obsessed with ironing my husbands shirts. What's with that???! Forget making a tired, breastfeeding new mum a cup of tea...no out comes the ironing board, tells me off for not weeding the garden enough and goes on about how her poor son is working too hard (as hard as an up all night new mum?? I dont think so). Oh g=d, I have a son..please dont let me become this woman.
Please dont tell me I should feel lucky for the ironing.
Advice please.

[YouTheCat]

Tell your dh she is welcome to come round when he is there.

And say no more to people using your home as a hotel - direct them to the local Travel Lodge.

[piplypip]

Sorry the title is so dramatic...Hell is overstating it a bit (ok a lot) but I'm feeling irritated.

[Valdeeves]

I get your DH to ask her to do something else rather than the shirts. He needs to get involved to be honest to solve the hotel issue too.

[piplypip]

DH is trying to step up but there is a catalogue of MIL misery now that means we are both a bit scarred and on edge. He is basically a really nice guy that doesnt want to upset either of the angry women in his life which means he annoys us both by tiptoeing around mediating.
He thinks his mother's annoying ways are just that and will never change and I think she needs to be told when she's getting things wrong.

[SPSJSAT]

DH is trying to step up but there is a catalogue of MIL misery now that means we are both a bit scarred and on edge. He is basically a really nice guy that doesnt want to upset either of the angry women in his life which means he annoys us both by tiptoeing around mediating.
He thinks his mother's annoying ways are just that and will never change and I think she needs to be told when she's getting things wrong

I think that's a really telling statement.

[Tinkertaylor1]

hi welcome to my world.

The shirt thing is because mummy will iron better that you of course because clearly you are a crap wife.

Your mil sounds like mine, It's manipulation, narcissism. She did the whole bringing random strangers round with out warning, subtle hints didnt work. She still brings her fucking friends in my house and gets them to stand in the hall way.

My MIL has crossed the line a few times and I've always kinda just let it wash after having a go at DH but this weekend there was a biggie and i was preparing for a show down but DH manned up and koboshed her little game.

you cant rationalise with a narc

[Tinkertaylor1]

He thinks his mother's annoying ways are just that and will never change and I think she needs to be told when she's getting things wrong

i basically said that myself this weekend!

[piplypip]

Have I mentioned the JAM???? This woman is obsessed by making jam and likes to do it wherever she happens to be staying eg our house. She leaves these enormous saucepans of old bargain fruit bubbling away on our cooker, doesnt wash up after and insists that we eat it all. Im talking about 2 litres or so of red or yellow jam. It never tastes of anything. Who eats that much jam anyway??
Please dont tell me to be grateful for the jam. If I never see a vat of jam again it will be too soon. She even went around the say after our wedding picking out leftover fruit and boiling up jam while we were trying to pack 200 plates, spoons etc away.

[Batmam]

Argh this is me so I sympathise...I've also got a FIL that's as bad as her so have the two of them ganging up on me! DH just grits his teeth until they leave just to keep the peace, they're so precious and over-sensitive. But its me they argue the toss with about absolutely everything, and MIL never lifts a finger to offer help but just sits there reading her Daily Fail (I've asked her not to bring it into my house I hate it that much) then gets upset when I bin it the minute she gets up.

I have no advice sorry, only to say: I hear ya sister, I hear ya ??

[piplypip]

Tinkertaylor1. You sound in quite good humour about it all. DH and I have just had another W/E ruining row. I feel like I will never get to the bottom of this problem. I think I find it so much harder having my home and life invaded as a stay at home mum. Before I would have gone out and got smashed or thrown myself into something at work to distract myself. But now im feeling territorial and hate being bossed around in my own home.

[squeakytoy]

"and MIL never lifts a finger to offer help but just sits there reading her Daily Fail (I've asked her not to bring it into my house I hate it that much) then gets upset when I bin it the minute she gets up."

I would say your behaviour is rude by doing that to be honest..

[Salmotrutta]

She irons your DH's shirts and makes jam.

She sounds like a real bitch.



I'm getting really fed up of threads like this - my MIL is a truly difficult woman. But somehow I managed to preserve some decorum and juggle a relationship.

I feel very sorry for some DHs on here - they must dread going home to listen to the litany of awfulness that their mothers have perpetrated on their wife.

And forgive me for saying this - do we really have to label every selfish person as a narcissist? When did we start doing this?

Surely a narcissist is someone who is completely and utterly self- absorbed to the exclusion of all else?

[piplypip]

As a daily mail hater though Im loving the bin action batmam. Keep up the good work!

[nennypops]

Hide the iron, disconnect the cooker whenever you're not using them.

[piplypip]

What does your MIL do salmotrutta that is truly difficult?

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

Salmon, we can't all be martyrs

Some of us have bitten out tongues too many times, good for you if your prepared to be downtrodden but doesn't mean we all should just to keep "decorum", when ironically we are shown no "decorum" in return

[LegoCaltrops]

She sounds a lot like my MIL. You have my sympathy. My MIL ruined my maternity leave by continually inviting herself round at all hours, no respect for my privacy. I've told DH categorically we are not having any more DCs until we've moved away so she can't just 'pop round' (we live in the same town).

Your DH probably acts the way he does as he's grown up with it & doesn't realise how intrusive/manipulative she is, also because it's easier to minimise & pretend everything is ok - because the alternative is to admit it isn't & to face up to it. These are continuing conversations DH & I are having, he's finally begun to see (after many years) what I'm talking about.

[Batmam]

Squeaky, the Daily Mail really offends me and MIL knows this, so she rubs it in my face (after rescuing it from the recycling) and reads bits out loud just to wind me up. Why should I have to put up with that in my own house when she wasn't even invited?

Thanks pip, sorry for hijacking your thread.

[NaturalBaby]

What is it that annoys you though? Is it the fact that she's taking over your space or trying to assert her authority by doing housework in your home or something else?

Life is too short to let other people wind you up, seriously. If it's that bad then don't let her in! My home is my sanctuary and there's no chance in hell I'd let anyone waltz in and start ironing or making jam.

[piplypip]

I forgot to mention all the times she has gone on about how my husband should have married prettier, richer girls he knows. She hasnt done it for a while but it was a feature of our early life together. I cant believe i used to take it so well..what is it about having a child to bring MIL behaviour in focus??

[Batmam]

But how on earth do you not let her in and still maintain a functioning relationship with her? Please tell us, it would answer all my problems!

[Salmotrutta]

pupyl - she demands a lot from my DH and has always done so.
She tried to control my DCs choices of careers etc.
She tried (and failed) to control my career choices
She tried to impose her views on DH and me regarding where we should live etc. when we got married.

She didn't succeed with any of it and after 30 plus years she knows not to push it.

iamusually - who said I was a martyr who bit her tongue? Not me...

I've never had a problem conveying my feeling - I just happen to do it politely but forcefully. Leaving absolutely no room for doubt.

[Salmotrutta]

Sorry OP - piplypip!