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not to apologise when I have done no wrong??

(74 Posts)
ColdFeetWarmHeart Sat 04-Jan-14 23:07:35

Will try to keep this brief. Dh uncle put a photo of dd on facebook last night. I commented asking when it was taken as I didn't remember/see it taken. Your standard type of comment for facebook pics, I feel. Dh unc explained it was christmas day and I was in another room. My last comment before I went to bed was that he must have been quick as I hadnt seen him.(lol).
I then get an email asking if there was a problem posting the picture. I replied no, just asking as I didnt see you with your camera that day.

I went to bed, and woke this morning with what felt to me like quite a shitty email. "Sorry but I do think there is a problem. It seems to me you think I would go into your bedroom when you're asleep and take photos. I'm not this sort of person. So to keep everyone happy I'll keep away from your flat"

Wtf??! Told dh and he could not see why his unc went off like that. Dh phoned mil this evening to see if something else had happened to upset told us we had to grovel etc to unc - cue a big row between dh and mil!

Dh phoned unc and explained it was just a simple question - no offence/malice meant etc. Unc said we'd put it down to a misunderstanding. But mil reckons it would have been better if I had called, and I still should phone/mail.

Should I message and "apologise"? I haven't done so far, and asked dh to do it, because
1. I didn't say anything wrong
2. It's dh's family having freakouts, not mine
3. I worry if I say something I'd make it worse (I really wanted to tell him not to put words in my mouth!)

DamnBamboo Sat 04-Jan-14 23:15:29

Firstly, does he even have either of your permissions to post a photo of your child on facebook?

My guess is not, as you didn't know the photo existed.

You need to address this aspect of things with him first!

TwoLeftSocks Sat 04-Jan-14 23:15:47

How strange, seems like they're making a mountain out of a molehill there. Will it just settle if you leave it now that your DH has already spoke to his uncle?

Wevet Sat 04-Jan-14 23:15:58

To be honest, I think that if I'd received those comments from the parent of a child of whom I'd posted a FB photo, I would definitely assume they were annoyed with me, or that they were implying I had taken a surreptitious photo when the parent was out of the room.

But then, in your shoes, I would be annoyed. I don't put photos of my own child in FB, and would think that someone else doing so was massively overstepping the mark.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 04-Jan-14 23:16:00

I wouldn't. I'd be happy that he was keeping away from my flat though, that bit about going into the bedroom says more about him than you to be honest.

TheMaw Sat 04-Jan-14 23:19:02

Tone is a really difficult thing to pick up on text, so things like this happen all the time. Is it really such a big deal to phone and apologise/explain for the sake of family harmony?

Lilacroses Sat 04-Jan-14 23:24:04

I wouldn't post pics like that on fbook of children unless I was certain their parents wouldn't mind. If I was sure of that fact I think I would feel a bit worried/offended if they then asked when the photo was taken and why they didn't know about it. I would certainly assume that they were unhappy about it. I think his reaction (I wont come to your flat etc) was odd and ott though. I'd call him and just talk about it. I can see how the misunderstanding has grown out of all proportion.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jan-14 23:24:21

Is your daughter asleep in the photo? I don't understand what he means about going into your bedroom - not sure I want to, either.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jan-14 23:24:45

Is your daughter asleep in the photo? I don't understand what he means about going into your bedroom - not sure I want to, either.

ColdFeetWarmHeart Sat 04-Jan-14 23:24:53

Both mil and her brother make a mountain out if a molehill all the time!! Not only do they take everything to heart but they also jump to conclussions, so half the time they just upset themselves. Apparently I've accused him of being a perv!

He doesnt officially have permission to post photos - he has done in the past though and we've said nithing. Though dh told him tonight that it's fine, as long as there are no bath/swimming pool pictures etc.

I think it will blow over with uncle - maybe not mil. She can hold a grudge for ages over smallest thing. Though I dont suppose saying something now instead of at first will change her opinion if me.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 04-Jan-14 23:25:11

It's perfectly possible to apologise for your comments being misunderstood without apologising for the actual comments.
Just word it carefully so that you are sorry about how he felt and not what you did iykwim.

happytalk13 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:28:26

He sounds utterly bonkers - toxic even. I would not be apologising for him being offended over something I didn't say.

NatashaBee Sat 04-Jan-14 23:28:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdFeetWarmHeart Sat 04-Jan-14 23:33:09

Themaw - I'm not just having a tantrum myself and refusing to call. I'm worried I'll say something that will make things worse. Plus im a bit pissed off myself I not allowed to ask a simple question?? Esp about my own dd?

I only asked him when he took photo. It was not the spanish Inquisition. He then messaged me asking if there was a problem, to which I said of course not. He then went way ott!

Dd not asleep, but laying in her cot shortly after waking.

I feel like I can't say anything now. Will always be worried things will kick off again. Though if I stay quiet mil will moan I'm antisocial .....

WestieMamma Sat 04-Jan-14 23:38:15

Assuming the cot is in your room and she'd just woken, you questions could easily be taken as you thinking he'd crept into your room while you were asleep. I can see why he's upset. Miscommunication is the problem here.

ColdFeetWarmHeart Sat 04-Jan-14 23:40:08

Whoknows - this is what dh did.

Happilytalk - yes this is often how I view in laws . normally just mil. This is only 2nd experience of it with the uncle.

WestieMamma Sat 04-Jan-14 23:42:12

Alternatively he may well have crept into your room and that's why he's defensive about you appearing to be onto him.

rockybalboa Sat 04-Jan-14 23:42:20

Your comment was a bit odd tbh. I find it hard to believe you genuinely didn't know when it was taken given that Christmas Day was less than 2 weeks ago and looking at the pic and where it was taken and what your DD was wearing and what she was doing would have made it pretty obvious no? I think your first comment was snippy and your second one about being out of the room was even more snippy and made him look like he was being accused on his FB page. I also think he has over reacted with his email but I can see why he was offended so I don't agree you've done nothing wrong.

ColdFeetWarmHeart Sat 04-Jan-14 23:44:18

But why jump to conclusion that I think he's a perv etc? I know people take things the wrong way at times.but isn't this a bit much?

WestieMamma Sat 04-Jan-14 23:48:08

Because a bloke creeping into a woman's bedroom while she's asleep to take pictures could well be considered pervy. If that's what he thinks you're implying then his conclusion isn't much of a jump at all.

TheMaw Sat 04-Jan-14 23:51:52

I didn't say you were having a tantrum, I said tone is difficult to convey online - I wasn't having a go. Probably proves my point! Just thought it might be worth trying to smooth it over for the sake of your DH and family.

ENormaSnob Sat 04-Jan-14 23:53:42


Leave em to their stupid histrionics

happytalk13 Sat 04-Jan-14 23:54:06

So hang on...he actually came into your bedroom, while you were asleep, and took pictures of your DD in her cot? If that's the case, no matter how innocent, I would find that unsettling.

ENormaSnob Sat 04-Jan-14 23:54:39


Leave em to their stupid histrionics

Mellowandfruitful Sat 04-Jan-14 23:55:18

Erm, if I thought someone believed I might have crept into a person's room and taken a picture of their young child, I would be mortified that they would think I'd do that and I would be at pains to reassure them that I hadn't, would never do so, etc. I reckon Westie is onto something. It doesn't mean he has any malevolent intent but sometimes family members casually assume they can do whatever they please with regard to young children by way of being 'family' and get snippy when challenged - putting photos on Facebook without asking first is a prime example of this.

OP, I think you're actually on to a winner with less contact. If it comes up again (which from the sound of it, it will) keep repeating a line that you have already explained there was a misunderstanding and if he doesn't want to put that aside there is nothing more to be done.

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